What should I do and also is this legal?

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[MrCustodyCoach]

Appropriate Communication in a High-Conflict Divorce & Custody Situation

Testing per admin's instructions.

[MixedBag]

worked -- thanks!

[SuperDad52]

I took the video off youtube last week.
I'm trying to figure out what to do about her wedding.  So, I fugured easy enough, I'll just send her an email.  Here it is.
 
 
 
Ex Name,

 
As you are well aware per our conversation your wedding is scheduled on my weekend (Nov. 7th 09).
I propose a few simple solutions to a simple problem:
Solutions #1
We can switch weekends.  You can have son's name on my weekend (Nov. 7th) so he can be in your wedding and attend all the festivities you have schedule around the event.
In return I get son's name on your weekend (Nov. 14th) the following weekend for make-up visitation which just happens to be my birthday weekend, we both make out great.
 
Solution #2
I will pick him up on Friday @ 6PM as scheduled per my weekend on Nov. 6th.  If your wedding is local I will bring him to you on Saturday so he can get ready and attend your wedding, just let me know where and what time he needs to be there.  After the wedding is over I will pick him up.  If the wedding is not local send someone to pick him up from my house and drop him off afterward.
 
Thanks!
my name
 
 
 
Well, guess what. I didn't get a response.  I sent her a text mesg to tell her to plz check her email in regaurds to her wedding.  She simply said "no thank u".  And that's it. No response.  I seen her at the soccer field on Saturday and walk up to ask her about next weekend, I asked what's the plans for the wedding and son?  She only says "no, were not discussing this at an event, were at an event, no that's enough, no, bla bla bla".  It all lasted about 45 seconds. No yelling or arguing.  It's simply her way or the highway.  Well as I was walking away I turned to her to tell her I'll pick son up at 6 on Friday then. She smiled and said okay.  One of the real
Bi&#$Y sarcastic ways.  I've tried texting, I've tried email and I've tried face to face.  She has no desire to co-parent.  To tell you the truth I was thinking about picking him up from school on Friday afternoon instead of 6pm because I'm 99% sure she will let me drive all the way out to get him and she will not be there.  But, my wife jumped all over me for saying something so stupid.  Looks like my hands are tied.  I guess I'll have to wait for my day in court.  What a shame!!!!!!!
 
 
Oh yeah, as far as the money goes I guess I could send it cert. mail. I've tried sending her something CM before and she wouldn't accept it telling me I need to send everything to her attorney so I'll probably get it back in the mail in a few weeks.  But my wife don't like that idea.  She wants the judge to tell me to give her the money (because I've tried to give it to her already).
 
Thanks

[gemini3]

It's really not a good idea for you to try engaging your ex at your son's games.  It is stressful on your son, and totally unnecessary.
 
I like that you have tried e-mailing her to address the wedding situation.  But, JMHO, you've waited way too long.  I'm sure you know how much planning is involved in a wedding, and I can see where she would be frustrated with not knowing whether or not her son would be in the wedding.  Granted, she could have scheduled it during her weekend, but sometimes scheduling doesn't work out the way you want - and you hope the other side will work with you.  She's probably super stressed out at this point and doesn't want to deal with anymore changes.
 
Option #1 is good.  However, your language is a little antagonistic.  It feels like you're saying she's making a big deal out of nothing.  It might have been better to say something like:  "Son would like to attend your wedding, and I think it's important for him as well.  I am offering for you to have him during my parenting time so he can attend the wedding.  I would like to get make-up time in return, which we can discuss when you return from your honeymoon.  Please let me know if you want to have him so I know if I need to pick him up or not."
 
Option #2 is a little silly because the last thing someone wants to do on their wedding day is deal with custody exchanges with their ex.  I'm sure you can understand why.
 
It's a little late for anything at this point because her plans are probably set.  I doubt that she's going to want to deal with it at this point, and I honestly don't blame her.
 
I'm a firm believer in picking your battles.  Weddings are major life events and I think, for your son's benefit, that both sides should put down their swords and calculators and do what's right for the kid.  He's missing a big event - where he could bond with his family, and also take a big step towards adjusting to his mom's new marriage.  Being included is good for the kids because it helps them not feel like the parent is starting a new life without them.  Your son deserves that security. 
 
Like I said earlier, sometimes you have to stop worrying about what the other side is or isn't doing, stop waiting for them to "get what's coming to them", and just do the right thing for your kids.

[SuperDad52]

I've been trying to get comformation that she will be willing to switch weekends for a few months now. 
Now, to late??? Yes.  Then, to late??? NO. 
She pushed the SIMPLE Issue off, not me.  Switch weekends?, sure not a problem.  Done deal.
She refusses to switch weekends and that's my problem.  So if she don't want to switch I'll pick up my son on my weekend and he will not attend the wedding!!!!  She won't be married in a few years anyway.   And this wedding, this guys she marrying.  He's not on my Christmas list..... He's going to marry my son's mom and try to move them all to NY where he lives (we live in FL) (which we are in court for but haven't heard anything for over 3 months now, my best guess is she will hit the accelerator after the wedding. Oh, now I'm married, Now I'm in love.........Give me a BREAK).  Maybe I should be nice and let her move my son out of state too.  NOT!!!
She has kick me around for the last 8 years.  Keeping my son from me, lying about everything and telling my son stuff about me, some true and some not but either way she just wants to start trouble and some things a five year old don't need to hear. If she wants to get married and move to NY GREAT GO and come back E/O weekend to see our son. 

[gemini3]

I completely understand your frustration.  I really do.  I'm sure it sounds like I am taking her side, but that's not my intention.  My intention is to do what's best for the kids, while the parents are able to maintain healthy happy lives.  I'm not saying you should give in to her every whim.  Just that sometimes it's just not worth it to fight.
 
It sounds like maybe she's had no intention of your son being there, and wants to make it look like it's you so she doesn't have to explain it to her son.  If that's the case, I see nothing wrong with talking to your son about it.  Let him know that you support his being there if he wants to go, but after that it's between him and his mom.  Give him the opportunity to talk about it and ask questions without bashing his mom.  He's young, and this is probably very confusing for him.  It will be good for him to be able to talk about it.

[MrCustodyCoach]

You offer her too many options, which invites debate, arguments, and escalation.

Option 1, which I often recommend: NEVER deviate from the custody arrangement in a high-conflict situation (barring emergency).

Option 2, you make ONE suggestion, take-it-or-leave-it.  Anything short of a "YES" is a no, and you keep the schedule.

Goal #1 = MINIMIZE CONFLICT.  Go low-contact.

[SuperDad52]

Texting didn't work, email didn't work, talking to her didn't work.  I tried and tried again to work out an agreement!!  So at the end I go to pick my son up tonight and no ones home, that's right, no one.  Just like her to let me drive all the way out there for nothing and I bet a million $ I don't get make up visitation next weekend!!!
 
What a  Bitch!!!
 
Lousy moms out weigh dead beat dads 3 to 1.
 

[gemini3]

Yeah, you could kind of see that one coming couldn't you?  Sorry.
 
On the bright side, this will NOT be in her favor if she tries to move your son.  Since you couldn't get the police to make a report, is there any other way that you documented that you were there?  Did you get gas, buy a pack of gum, eat or anything like that in the vicinity of her house?  Your receipt can be used as evidence that you were there at the appointed time.
 
I would send her the Denial of Visitation form letter on this site.  There are instructions.  http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/missed-visit.php  If she doesn't respond with a make-up schedule then go to the courthouse and file for contempt.  Don't let this go unanswered.  First because it's a record for the court of her visitation interference - which you will want them to have if she tries to move with your son.  Second, because you don't want her to think you will take this lying down.
 
Don't blow up her phone or her e-mail though.  Just stay calm and go after this in a way that can give you some protection.
 
Does her husband currently live and work in NY?  You might have a chance at an ex parte motion since she has technically disappeared with your son on the weekend of her wedding to a man who lives in NY state. 

[SuperDad52]

Yeah, I did see this coming.  I knew it was going to happen.
You say this will not be in her favor when she tries to move, I HOPE you are right!!  My wife and I were talking last night about the EX "moving to NY" and how it would only interfer with my visitation that much more. This is the 3rd weekend this year she has done this with no make up visitation.  It will not go unanswered any longer!!
The kicker is before this happened I did file for contempt but we had to go to mediation to see if we could work thigs out before going to see a judge.  Nothing resolved in mediation (last month) so now I need to schedule a court date to see the judge but I think I'm starting to get a little over my head so I'm going to hire an attorney and let him take it from her to fight her motion for relocation and the contempt motion and also modify my visitation schedule.  Just wonder here...... Is asking for every weekend out of the month but one to much to ask for???
 
I did however buy gas right next to her apt.  But I'm smart enough to throw the receipt away before I even left the store.  My online bank statement will show where but not what time.  I did also call her phone and my son's phone about 6 or 7 times between the two phones between 6:00 and 6:30, I guess the phone records will help my case.
 
Her husband does currently work and live in NY, he comes down every weekend or she goes up there.  I do not know where they got married though and it seems I need to look up ex parte and see what that means.
 
Thanks and I'm much calmer today

[ocean]

You really need to file that motion NOW..this week. You can file then hire a lawyer for the trial part. I dont know the wording but I would just make it plain and simple "child will not be relocated or moved from his home school district until after the custody hearing" and file for custody at the same time "change is custody is warranted at this time, as mother is moving out of state to be with new husband and it would be detrimental for the child to loose the current relationship to his father and extended family. (Can you keep child in same school district? if yes, put, child can remain in same school district with friends and activities). Father will encourage contact with mother with very reasonable visitation. The forms are at the family court house. They can not give you legal advice but most will help fill it out.

Since she is married after this weekend, you dont want her pulling him from school and signing him up in NY.

[gemini3]

Ex parte is basically a temporary order until a full hearing can be held.  I think you have an excellent case for ex parte, since she is attempting to leave the state with your son, and that as of right now his whereabouts are unknown since she was not present for most recent parenting time transfer, and that you have received no communication from her regarding the whereabouts of your child.  Go down to the courthouse and file first thing Monday morning.

Your bank can get a copy of your transaction from the store where you got gas, with all of the necessary information on it.  Call them and have it sent to you.
 
Has she already filed her motion to relocate?  If so, a summons will typically contain some sort of language that says neither party may relocate with the child until the matter is heard.  If she has him out of state during your visitation she is in direct violation of this.
 
 
 
 

[SuperDad52]

I was served w/notice of intent to relocate with child on 6/11/09
I then filed notice of objection to the proposed relocation with child on 7/6/09 (I typed it up and filed myself)
I then received in the mail motion for social investigation and home study (whatever that is) on 8/5/09
At the same time 8/5/09 I recieved motion for referral to general magistrate for "Husband's motion for civil contempt/enforcement and objection to mother's anticipated relocation of the minor child out of the state of Florida".
On 8/14/09 case was ordered to general magistrate Cuellar Stilo.
8/14/09 till now nothing but harrasement and extreme difficulty when trying to pick up my son.  From not being there when it's my time to pick him up to stupid stuff like when I go to pick my son up at 6 o'clock on Friday, if I show up at 5:55,5:52,5:58 she won't answer the door or phone until 6 o'clock on the dot, that's her latest kick lately.  I asked for a 30 minute window in mediation and she denied.
I'll get a court date from her very soon after the wedding I'm sure.  I think you're right I need to act now(Monday) and retain an attorney!
 
 
I'd like to thank everyone for your advise from all angles!!!
I'd love to get custody! I really believe it would be in my sons best interest
 

[ocean]

When it was assigned a judge on 8/14 what happened? Was it continued? DO you have a different date?
You need to find out what happened ....she might have dropped it since you did not file?? Call the court and see if it is still active. In my state you can look up your case on-line.
Regardless if the case is active/in active, I would do what the other poster said, file for ex parte hearing this week and get an order to have child remain in the state, file for custody, AND file contempt for this past weekend. All this is separate filings...so make sure you do them all so that all will be heard. The ex parte will he heard that day or this week and the judge will make a ruling if child must remain in the state and same school.
Like I said before, you can do the paperwork yourself on MOnday at the court house....

When you hire a lawyer be very careful. State what you expect, what you want filed (have it typed ready to hand them),  how you want to communicate with them, how fast they return phone calls. Many lawyers will talk the talk, take a couple of thousand dollars from you and drag this out for over a year..It sounds like you are already in this with the home study done so you just need to make sure that what you did is the legal way to do it, especially if she has a lawyer.

Make a list of why it would be best for child to stay with you: same school, friends, dad, family (Is mom family by you too...can add that)
Reasons for mom to move: new husband, (did she work before? did she quit her job? did she get new job? no family?)

[MrCustodyCoach]

I then received in the mail motion for social investigation and home study (whatever that is) on 8/5/09

That's usually a custody evaluation... or part of one.