what's age appropriate for co-sleeping with grand mother ?

[spinner]

Hi,
Grand-mother of our kid take care of him every week at least 2 days a week, he sleeps at her place. Today kid told me that he is still sleeping with grand ma in her bed. grand ma is divorced from a long time and live alone and I am sure she is full of good intensions but is it ok that she sleeps with our kid in the same bed everytime to the point that he does not have his bed at her place anymore?
kid is a little boy just turned 6 years old and 1st grader

I am open to comments, just trying to get smart before I talk to the grand mother. It seems inapropirate from my point of view but am I wrong ?


I want to add that kid would prefer to have his own bed (he already has a bedroom at Gma but no bed) and that it is gma that insist that it's easier and better for kid that way.

[Giggles]

"I want to add that kid would prefer to have his own bed"  There is your answer!  What I would probably do is not come at G'ma like it's inappropriate, maybe just say that the child wants to sleep in the other room and maybe even offer to get a bed for that room?

[olanna]

If he's in her care and they both are ok with it, seems ok.  He's 6, not 16.

If you don't like it, find someone else to keep him.

[mistoffolees]

This is one of those topics where there's no right or wrong answer. Even the experts go back and forth every 10 or 20 years. My personal view is that he should have his own bed, but that's completely personal and I wouldn't even attempt to enforce that on someone else. My daughter (9), for example, sleeps with my ex-wife and they both seem comfortable with it, so I'm not going to make an issue.

Therefore, I don't think you're in a position to make a big issue of it. However, if he prefers to sleep by himself, I'd casually mention to the grandmother that he'd like his own bed and see if you can work it out. But if you try to make it a power issue, you're going to lose - and then everyone is worse off.

[spinner]

The thing that is unclear to me is that you all seems to think that it's a personal preference for the parents.

But is it the same with grand parents?
How about a 9 years old girl sleeping with her oncle?

Where do you draw the line??? you all talk about parents. If he was sleeping with his mon I'd find that more normal. he sometime sleeps with me (his dad) as well, ... sometimes, ...

But it's "always" with grand ma.....

It's a tough call.

Do you all think it makes a difference with the fact tha tit's grand ma and not mom or dad ?

[mistoffolees]

No one can really answer that. Some kids are extremely close to their grandparents - or even closer than their parents. It's also complicated by the fact that they're different sexes.

As I said, there's no hard and firm answer and even the experts don't agree. My personal views are:
- If they're opposite sexes, it should definitely end well before puberty. If they're same sexes, it should end around puberty or soon after, although it doesn't make me as uncomfortable if they are forced (because of a hotel room with only one bed or whatever). This applies for all adults.
- If the child starts to express awkwardness, I would think it should end. This applies for all adults.
- I'm personally a little less comfortable with anyone but parents (or much older siblings of the same sex) sleeping with the kids, although there are certainly circumstances where a grandparent is very close.
- I'm uncomfortable with siblings of the opposite sex sleeping together if either of them is at or past puberty.
- All of this applies to the middle class, American, Judeo-Christian upbringing I experienced. Other cultures see it differently.

But none of that is really very helpful because it's only one person's opinion. It's a very personal matter. I would simply let the situation be the guide. If the kid's uncomfortable, I'd try to address it, but very gently since it is a personal matter and there's no firm rule.

[backwardsbike]

I'm a big supporter of teaching the child to advocate for himself.  If he'd prefer to sleep in his own bed- then I htink at six its reasonable to role play with him.  For instance, he could say, "gma, I'm getting to be a big boy.  I sleep in my own bed at home and i feel cramped when I sleep with you in the same bed.  Could I sleep in a separate bed at your hose?"

Your son will need to learn to speak for himself a tsome point and i think if this is really his issue the best thing you can do for him is to teach him how to best advocate for himself.  What he's asking for is reasonable and can be said then followed with a big hug for Gma.

[babyfat]

I would say it depends on the child. I came from an intact family, my parents are still married, but my grandmother and grandfather had both my sister and myself from early Saturday morning to late sunday evening every weekend. So my parents could have "thier" time and get a break. My grandparents lived in a one bedroom apartment. My sister and I either slept in the bed with my grandparents (king size bed) or on the couch. I didn't see anything wrong with that or even question it. When my grandparents moved to Fl I was in the seventh grade. At that point they had a 3 bedroom house. The then took me from when school let out to just before school started again during the summer. I had my own room and guess what I still tried to sleep in the bed with them. And I didn't see anything wrong with it. Sometimes I think things like this are a bigger deal to the adults more so than the children. Unless something has happened to them the thought of it being appropiate or inappropiate never really crosses thier mind. It didn't mine. It didn't my sister's either.