What else?

[zoomies]

 I have a question.It mostly boils down to this: as time goes by, our four year old's father has seemed to disconnect from her more and more. He has moved away(We are in VA, he is in MI.) and rarely uses his visitation. When I call to keep him posted on school, medical, church, ect. the only reply is something along the lines of " ok, is that all? Bye, then." I have sole custody because he basically gave it to me, but have always worked around his schedule when he has decided to use visitation, never badmouth him or his new wife, and call and try to involve him with all important things.
 As our daughter grows, she is now getting worried about " why doesn't he like me and want to see/ talk with me?" He hasn't seen her, by his choice, for but four weeks in the last year and a half and won't see her until summer of next year. He will not speak with her on the phone except immediately prior to her visits.
 Many friends of mine have gotten the raw end of the deal when it comes to custody, and I was wondering if there is anything that I am overlooking that a ncp might want or need? Is there something I am doing wrong?

[olanna]

and it doesn't matter what *you* do....it matters that your child is happy and well adjusted...

You might explain to your child that because Daddy is so far away, he doesn't understand what a wonderful person he is missing (in your child).  You also might let the child call and leave messages for Daddy.  Some lessons in this life are really tough..

Fill her void with your love and positive experiences.  And try to encourage Dad to be a part of her life. You can't make him do anything...but change your expectation of him.

[zoomies]

 I have a question.It mostly boils down to this: as time goes by, our four year old's father has seemed to disconnect from her more and more. He has moved away(We are in VA, he is in MI.) and rarely uses his visitation. When I call to keep him posted on school, medical, church, ect. the only reply is something along the lines of " ok, is that all? Bye, then." I have sole custody because he basically gave it to me, but have always worked around his schedule when he has decided to use visitation, never badmouth him or his new wife, and call and try to involve him with all important things.
 As our daughter grows, she is now getting worried about " why doesn't he like me and want to see/ talk with me?" He hasn't seen her, by his choice, for but four weeks in the last year and a half and won't see her until summer of next year. He will not speak with her on the phone except immediately prior to her visits.
 Many friends of mine have gotten the raw end of the deal when it comes to custody, and I was wondering if there is anything that I am overlooking that a ncp might want or need? Is there something I am doing wrong?

[olanna]

and it doesn't matter what *you* do....it matters that your child is happy and well adjusted...

You might explain to your child that because Daddy is so far away, he doesn't understand what a wonderful person he is missing (in your child).  You also might let the child call and leave messages for Daddy.  Some lessons in this life are really tough..

Fill her void with your love and positive experiences.  And try to encourage Dad to be a part of her life. You can't make him do anything...but change your expectation of him.

[Kitty C.]

My DS went throught the same thing........only his dad lived in CA and we are in IA.  Since he was 6 y.o., I would put him on a plane by himself every summer and every other Christmas to see his dad.  When he was about 7, he kept asking me 'Why doesn't Daddy come to see me here?'  I didn't have an answer for him, and when I told his dad, all he would say was he would explain it to DS when DS comes to see him.  And the only thing I could think of was 'When you are cold and dead and DS is 80 years old with grandchildren on his knee, he STILL won't understand why you didn't come to see him.'

And obviously he couldn't explain it well enough to DS, because DS's tune changed to 'If Daddy doesn't come see me, I won't go to see him!'  Luckily, he didn't put me to the test because when it came time to go see his dad again, he was too excited to remember what he said.  It's all a moot point now anyway...........his dad died 5 years ago when he was 13.

This is just something you and your child will need to work through.  As the old saying goes, 'You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.'  As much as you would wish it, you can't make your ex be a better parent.  The best you can do is to help you child through this as best as possible.

[dipper]

As long as when he does take visitation, you work with him - no big scenes of how much you will miss child..(not saying you are, but some do), then you have done your part.

My daughters' father rarely sees them.  We are in VA - he moved to NC.  Just 2 1/2 hours away.  We have been divorced for 11 years almost.  there were times he saw them according to schedule.  I have always been willing to let him see them according to what was best for his schedule - not the court order.  

The only time he has seen them this year was at my urging him....and the last time he tried to talk them into moving in with him!   hasnt seen them in the two months since!

For my girls, I think there may be some pain in that, but I raised them without focus on their dad not seeing them.  If you focus on it, your child will pay more attention to it.  I wouldnt even focus on him....if your child brings him up then talk about it.  What I mean is - you want your child to love and be loved by daddy, so you mention him from time to time....but, if the dad isnt a part of that child's life, that could cause more harm to child.  

My ex has gotten mad at me a couple of times when girls left a visitation early because of other plans, etc...... I told him - You are the one that doesnt see them and they have a life without you....they will not sit around and wait for you to decide to see them. (plans made before he asked to see them)

My girls lives are built around their father not being there...its not stated, so its not in front of them....but, when he does see them, its a good treat.....and the months he doesnt its not a disappointment....its just the way life is....

I know how you feel, I have cried many tears over this.  But, you cannot make someone want to be a parent.  

[Tikki]

this is tough.

One way of explaining it is to let them know that even adults make mistakes - sometimes they become parents without the understanding and reality of what being a parent is really all about...let the child know that realizing these doesn't make her dad a bad person - its just who he is.  Perhaps, child can start contacting him and see how it goes.