SDs Behavior Problems In School - Sorry This Is So Long

[jilly]

My SD is 6 years old and in 1st grade.  DH and I attended open house and parent's night the first of the school year.  DH sent FERPA letter to insure that teacher would do more than "try" to remember to send us any and all information regarding SD.  We've provided SASEs and they have been very good about sending us school information.  There is a daily report as well as a monthly report.  Since it's not feasible for them to send something every week we have agreed that non-time sensitive material can be mailed on a monthly basis.  That means a month has gone by before we are aware of any behavior problems in the classroom.  The main things have been talking in class and not getting her in-class work completed in the alloted amount of time.  This has been an ongoing problem since the beginning of the school year.  DH has had numerous conversations with SD about her behavior in class and that she needs to pay attention to the teacher and not be talking when she's not supposed to be and focusing on what needs to be done in-class so she can complete her work on time.  It got to the point to where he told her if he got another bad report from her teacher that she would get a spanking.  Of course, she tells him she'll pay attention in class and not talk, etc.
Last month, the teacher had a family illness and the class was being taught by a student teacher.  As kids will do, her authority was challenged because she wasn't the regular teacher.  However, on SD's weekly/monthly report for January, there was talking, taking too long to complete a task, pinching a classmate and being rude to the student teacher.  We had SD this past weekend and DH talked to her about the bad report he got from the teacher and concluded with the promised spanking and she was sent to bed.
Today I received an e-mail from SD's teacher regarding why SD had been losing stickers, that she has talked to PBFH and knows that we are all working on this (HA!) with consequences (PBFH's idea of consequenses is to make excuses for SD's behavior and make her write sentences.  I call it BS...but that's just me! LOL).  They don't feel that SDs behavior problems are serious issues (agreed) and that it's just a self-control issue which will come with maturity.  IThey are going to try some new strategies in the room to see what they can do to help SD be more successful.   called DH at work and read the e-mail to him.  He's not real happy with this e-mail because it's totally ignoring her rudeness to the student teacher (it almost sounds as if the teacher and PBFH are making excuses for it.  Teacher was out of class for some time so she was testing student teacher's authority. Doesn't matter...you don't act that way to an adult or authority figure.) as well as the fact that the talking too much or at the wrong times has been going on since school started.   This is behavior we both feel should have stopped by now.  There is obvioulsy a huge difference in parenting styles here (understatement alert!) which I'm sure is not helping matters.
My question (yes! there is one!) is how should we respond to the teacher's e-mail?  Right now I've drafted a response that lets her know that we feel like this behavior problems should have slackened off by now and that we are very concerned about her being rude to the student teacher because this is something we don't condone and can't be justified. She does this outside of the classroom as well. PBFH has even told DH that she has problems with SD talking to her this way. (When I was growing up, being a smarta** to an adult got a slap across the face!)  We don't want to come across as being too harsh but at the same time we want to convey that we are concerned that she's still having these problems. Would it be better to just have a parent-teacher conference between teacher/DH/PBFH?
Any suggestions/comments you have are greatly appreciated.

Jilly

[Indigo Mom]

I hate to laugh, but it "is" funny...these lil girls can't seem to zip it up!  My daughter is on the sticker program...one each day she shuts her yap, and does all her school work on time.  At the end of the week, if she has a sticker for each day there was school...she gets to pick something special...one on one with either hub or myself.  So far, she's picked a trip to the local thrift store with me...without anyone else every single week.  lol

I can only assume your sd lives with a nutjob, and only sees her father EOW.  (because of the SASE's you're sending to the school).  Without proper "praise" at her moms house, why "would" she fix this problem.

So, whenever she's with her dad, he should make it a POINT to give her extra praise for the stickers she DID manage to get...(and that's if she gets a sticker like my daughter does).  If, for example, she gets to dads house and has 10 stickers for the previous 2 weeks...do something AWESOME.  Something that will blow her mind.  If she only has, say, 5 stickers...let her know how proud you are that she tried really really hard, and you're VERY proud of her for getting those 5 stickers...and then do something "smaller", like a trip to the park or a simple walk.

Kids need encouragement and praise...sounds like moms sentence writing thing is working "really well", isn't it?  Maybe if mom gave her some time and POSITIVE attention, things would get better?  

Is it possible her dad can call her every day after school to find out if she got a sticker?  She'll be on cloud 9 if dad does summersaults each day she gets one, and high fives her all over the place.  If he acts all excited (and I mean overly excited...lol) then she'll figure this out on her own.  "I do well in school, dad goes crazy with excitement...hmmmmm".  See?

I don't know how dad should respond to the teachers email...but I'm thinking with a whole lotta whooping it up with fun and excitement and an awful lotta praise, this child will change her "odd" behavior at school in a short amount of time.

ps...this works SO well with lil miss, that if the Aide doesn't have "time" to get her the daily sticker...she gets ALL types of depressed...so the Aide tells her that when she comes back to get her brother after school (she only goes 1/2 day) she'll make sure to have the sticker waiting.  My daughter loves it THAT much.

[jilly]

A co-worker suggested a reward system too.  The problem is we will hear if SD had a good day at school but there's never any mention of when she has a bad day. Therefore, we're dependent on what the school sends and by then a month has gone by.
 You're correct that SD lives with PBFH and that we see her EOW. DH also calls her once a week.  We really feel that there's something going on at PBFH's house but have no idea what it is. Of course with PBsFH there's always something isn't there? LOL  And we know that SD has been instructed not to tell us about anything that goes on in their household. (PBFH is re-married).  For example, a few weeks ago SD told DH that she had to go talk to stepdad because he was going out of town. The next week when DH talked to her he asked if stepdad was backf rom his trip. SD said that he'd been in school and then she stopped talking. He could hear PBFH in the background and when SD got back on the phone she changed the subject. Just burns me up the way she's hurting her own child x(
Tonight is the night DH calls SD so he has decided to hold off on replying to the teacher's e-mail (if he replies at all) and is going to talk to PBFH after talking to SD to see what PBFH has said to the teacher. (Like she's going to tell him the truth! LOL)  This e-mail was obviously prompted by PBFH talking to teacher about events of this past weekend.  DH had already advised PBFH that SD was most likely going to be disciplined this weekend so I'm sure when she was returned on Sunday evening that SD was grilled to the nth degree.  So I'm sure when PBFH learned that SD had received the promised spanking that she ran to the teacher to discuss SD's behavior problems and DHs overreaction (which I'm sure she sees this as being) to them, which lead the teacher to send the e-mail saying that they weren't serious behavior problems and just a matter of lack of self control and lack of maturity.  Well my word...just when should you expect a child to start showing/using self control??  If a child knows what type of behavior is expected but you don't back it up then how the heck are they going to learn self control?? Jeez Louise!! LOL
I find it very interesting that PBFH told DH that teacher had been out and that SD was just challenging student teacher's authority as an excuse/justification for SD being rude to the student teacher and that in the opening paragraph of the teacher's e-mail she says basically the same thing as PBFH.  Like that's an excuse for a child to be rude to an adult!! Am I just too old-fashioned?? LOL
Thanks for the suggestion.  I'll definitely talk to DH about doing some kind of reward system.  It's just hard when there's two different households with two different parenting styles. Cause you know the one she's at most is the one that carries the most weight. Ahhhh the joys of being divorced with children! (sarcasm alert!)

[Indigo Mom]

Did you have the lil miss this weekend?  How did it go?  Have you and hub agreed on anything?  A reward system?  Details!!!!  lolol




***Everyone gets burned. You can't go through life and not be burned. Some fires destroy us and some fires refine us. - rich mullins***

[jilly]

LOL...sorry for keeping you in suspense!
No, we didn't have SD this past weekend but we will have her this weekend. DH ended up working late last Thursday so he didn't get a chance to call SD. He did go over on Friday afternoon and took her some candy, a flower and a Valentine's Day card. She was really happy to see him and wanted to go with him when he left. Of course, that wasn't really a good time to talk to PBFH either so we'll probably end up not responding to teacher's e-mail. Drives me nuts when this happens but in the grand scheme of things it's not my job to handle it. Haven't really had a chance to discuss rewards or other options with DH either. Can ya tell we're great communicators? LOL
On the bright side, we did FINALLY get SD's room painted over the weekend!  I've been on him since Christmas to get started on THAT project.  One more coat of paint to go! LOL  Her room was a mess the last time we had her and she had to sleep in the spare bedroom. I'm thinking he promised her that her room would be ready next time she was at our house and that's why he started painting yesterday! LOL
Men...can't live with em and can't kill em!
I PROMISE to let you know what we come up with...if anything!

[jilly]

OK...the time was finally right to approach the reward system with DH. (Got to time these things just right! LOL)  Told him I didn't know how we could do it...maybe coordinate between the two households or do a monthly calendar for our house and tell her that if she gets X number of smiley face stickers for the month then we'll take her to the park, to Chucky Cheeses, a movie, let her choose what we do for a particular day, etc.  He said that Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (his "loving" reference to PBFH and her hubby! LOL) have been using the reward system but they keep lowering the bar.  So...back to square one I guess...grrr...men! LOL

[Kitty C.]

DH uses 'Hilda'....you know, 'Brunhilda'???  He also called McDonald's the Golden Arches Supper Club when SS was just a little guy, cuz if you said Mickey D's, the kid would come unglued!

Where do these guys get this stuff, anyway???

[Indigo Mom]

Here, you show this to your hub.

Dear Mr. Jilly,

I've already told you what to do (see my responses to jilly).  What's the problemo, man?  Do I have to come there and knock this stuff right into your head?  Don't make me!  I will!  Think I won't?

Anyway, screw this whole "coordination between the two houses" thing.  What's up with that?  Look what you have to go through JUST to get information!!!  Coordination...LMAO!  You're on your own, pal.

You need to call the school every day (or maybe jilly can) and find out whether it was a "good day" or a "bad day".  (don't make me tell you this again, Mr.)  If it's a good day, slap that smiley face sticker up on the reward chart.  

I think you should do the whole "hoo hah" thing every weekend she's with you.  You think a month is ok?  That's cause you're an adult...living in "adult time".  You must think in kid years.  1 adult day = 1 child week.  So, if we use a 31 day month...and you make her wait that long, in "kid time" that comes out to being 217 "kid days" between rewards.  Entirely too long, if ya ask me.  It's 31 days to us...but that's cause we're old.

I will be waiting right here on SPARC for 2 more weeks...patiently waiting to hear that you DID call the school every day, you DID put that sticker up, and you DID do the "fun stuff" with her on your next weekend.

This REALLY works with my daughter....and I just know it will work with yours, too, even though she's with that battle ax more than you.  Even though you don't see her often enough...you can be the greater influence!!!!  Good luck!!!

Have a great day, Mr. Jilly...if I have to write back, I'm not going to be so nice...

Love,
Indy

[jilly]

LOL...DH alternates between Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum and Frick and Frack...and that's when he's in a good mood!

[jilly]

Well......
DH knows about this website and he knows that I've posted things from time to time...he just doesn't know about what! LOL  Like most of the stepmoms on this board, I'm the one that is always pushing DH to stand up for himself and for his DD with PBFH.
The coordination between the two houses was my idea...stupid I know but I'm pessimistically optimistic!
Since I'm the one the teacher e-mails, I think that I'll approach DH about me sending the teacher an e-mail, let her know what we're doing as far as setting up a reward system in our house and request that she send an e-mail every Friday letting us know how SD's week was. We can then "get happy" with the calendar for that week so SD can see the progress when she's there.  We have separate bulletin boards on a wall in the kitchen for SDs and DDs artwork and we could put the reward calendar on SD's bulletin board so she can see it as soon as she walks in the door.
So.....I'll let ya know what he thinks of that idea! LOL