This one's for the stepmoms

[Rane]

I am the sm of two children. 15 yo boy & 10 yo girl. I have been married to their dad for 3 yrs. We dated for 1 1/2 yrs before marrying. Dh is now in the middle of a nasty battle for custody & bm does not allow any contact between dh and kids.

Now my problem... I had a tough time in the beginning getting close to both of these kids. I grew to love them and put all of my issues w/bm out of it all. I became close to them both. (I thought) I love them both like my own. It seems like bm is jealous of it and I am now finding out a lot of things she has told sk to make them not like me & feel their relationship w/dh is in danger because of me & my kids.

 1. She told the kids that I saw their dad coming & saw $$$$ that was the only reason I was marrying him.
2. She told ss my son would take his place if he didn't watch out.
3. She told sd dh loved my kids more because dh would not pay for a basketball camp for sd. (he did not send any of mine to camp either)
4. dh had just bought a used 1986 van for us so we could have room for all 5 kids when we were all together and ss asked dh to pay $500 for an instrument for ss to play in band dh said no so bm told ss dh bought the van for me & that is why he could not buy the instrument for ss

The list goes on but you get the picture? How can a sm have a good relationship w/sk when the bm is tearing anything you build w/sk apart as soon as she gets a chance? Any advice or anyone else dealing w/this too?

Rane

[1angrystepmom]

YOU do what you are doing for/with the Skids....  treat them with kindness,  respect, encourage them, and most of all.... love them.

There will come a day, where they see you for YOU, and WHO YOU ARE , and for how YOU treat them vs. what they have been told about you.  

Understand, this day is probably a LONG way off, your journey until then, will be a difficult one.  Until then, maintain your integrity, compassion, and understand they are being mentally manipulated and torn between those people that they love most....

You are lucky, my SD is much too "old" for any thought altering influences.... at this point , all we can hope for, is that SD does NOT follow in her mother's footsteps, and alienate the soon to arrive baby from her father....

You will be in my thoughts....
Amber

[nosonew]

BTDT.  I agree with the other poster, you will prove yourself by being a loving, gentle person who does not put their mother down.  Our bm tried this too, and at times it worked, but I think it is just because the kids are trying to be loyal to their mom.  They know how their mom expects them to feel towards you, and decreased time with you will not help.  I hope you get regular visitation or custody, as this is your only chance to show "your true colors" to these kids.  

suggestions on how to deal with your list:
1. If you work, occassionally mention how YOUR money is helping buy things for them/household, etc.  Do it very casually, and they may act like they aren't listening, but they are.
2.  Occassionally talk to dh, when the kids think you don't know they are listening, and comment about how much you love these kids as much as your son.  Be sure to treat them all equally, they will see how you feel.
3.  Make that comment out loud.  "We couldn't swing the money, ds/dd didn't get to go either". On that one, I would be blunt.  And I would say, we really wish we could send everyone, but we can't. So no one goes.
4.  How idiotic.  I doubt the kids believe this one anyway.

All you can do is love them, treat all the kids equally, (and my ss got away with alot more than my ds because of all the crap he was going thu, he didn't get in the same amt of trouble if he did something wrong, just because of the situation/stress)

GOod luck!!!!

[MissManners]

>Now my problem... I had a tough time in the beginning getting
>close to both of these kids. I grew to love them and put all
>of my issues w/bm out of it all. I became close to them both.
>(I thought) I love them both like my own. It seems like bm is
>jealous of it and I am now finding out a lot of things she has
>told sk to make them not like me & feel their relationship
>w/dh is in danger because of me & my kids.

You hit the nail on the head when you said, "It seems like bm is
jealous of it."  She is worried that these kids are making room in their heart for you and she is worried that there might not be room for both of you.  I am sure that you don't do it, but make sure that you never say anything to the kids that they could interpet as berating of their mom. Two reasons, one you will only turn them against you because they will emotionally feel the need to defend her. And second reason is because they are obviously having to listen to her rant about you. Let their time with you be calm and peaceful. Give them a break from having to be in the middle and defending one side or the other. This way they will see that she is the one creating the "issues" and discord and that you are "more comfortable" and fun to be with.

> 1. She told the kids that I saw their dad coming & saw $$$$
>that was the only reason I was marrying him.

Depending on the timing a comment like this is made you might try and help them see some sort of humor in a comment like that. I think I might have commented something to the affect of giggling and saying, "Now don't I wish THAT were true!"

>2. She told ss my son would take his place if he didn't watch
>out.

If your step son repeated this comment to you, maybe he is looking for some type of reassurance that it would not be possible to replace him. Maybe a comment back of, "You know, I am certain that would be not be possible. It's true that 'other child' and your dad have developed a relationship, but 'other child' could never replace you in your father's heart. Your dad talk's about you and misses you when you are not here and he really looks forward to your time together!"

>3. She told sd dh loved my kids more because dh would not pay
>for a basketball camp for sd. (he did not send any of mine to
>camp either)

Again, if it had been me, I might have replied with something to the affect of, "Your dad felt really bad that we couldn't afford to help with basketball camp for you or "other child." It was just a matter of not having the money at the time, it had nothing to do with loving one child more than the other. The truth is, noone could replace you in your dad's heart.

>4. dh had just bought a used 1986 van for us so we could have
>room for all 5 kids when we were all together and ss asked dh
>to pay $500 for an instrument for ss to play in band dh said
>no so bm told ss dh bought the van for me & that is why he
>could not buy the instrument for ss

I really think these comments are being brought to your attention for clarification as well as reassurance. Commenting back lovingly and truthfully is always best. Children are not stupid and they can weigh a sense of reason when they hear both sides.  Replying back with a kind comment of, "I know it may have appeared that way, but the turth is we were thinking that it would be nice to have a car that would make it more comfortable when you come to visit. We understand that the instrument was important to you and we want to support your music interest but at the time we had to make a decision based on what was best for everyone, including you."


>The list goes on but you get the picture? How can a sm have a
>good relationship w/sk when the bm is tearing anything you
>build w/sk apart as soon as she gets a chance? Any advice or
>anyone else dealing w/this too?

We do deal with this all the time.  I have been bashed to no end by the BM, but I refuse to put my stepdaughter in the middle and over the years, I have seen our relationship grow and flourish where she is beginning to see exactly what her mom is doing.  It is now getting to a point where she will tell me, "My mom said so and so.... but I told her I didn't believe that because..." So she is developing a sense of reason on her own. And all I have to do is reaffirm that, "yep, that's true. I see you are really growing up....." and just give her a little hug.

[forthekids24]

...for every time BM said something negative about me I would not have to work again EVER!

I have been married to DH for 8 years, together for 9 years, SD's are 11 and 9 (BM abandoned them all when YSD was 2 months old!!)
DH is the CP but they used to see their mom every week, until she moved 3 hours away. (BTW the kids call me Mom and her Mommy)

Let me give you some of the ones I have heard... and my responses.

1)  Mommy yells, "She is NOT your mother, do not call her Mom!!!"
Answer:  That is true, I am not your Mother, I am your Step-Mother, but you can call me anything you want as long as it is not a bad word.

2) Mommy says " I don't care what she says I told you NOT to call her Mom"
Answer:  It is up to you what to call me, but why is it okay with Mommy if your older (half) sister to calls Daddy, Dad?  Daddy was her Step-Dad, just like I am your Step-Mom.

3) Mommy says she doesn't like you and says really mean things.
Answer:  I know she doesn't like my honey, and I am sorry it upsets you, but do you like me?  That is all that matters to me.

... I could go on and on.... but the best thing is to neutralize and with humor.  My SD's know that they can count on me, they know that I love them and they know that when the chips are down I will fight for them as fiercely as I do my DS's.

Hang in there, take the high road, they are smart and they see more than they let us know.
FTK

[Davy]

...stepmoms.  Don't want to offend but does your post mean if a father has an opinion it does not count ?  Think about it and you may discover the answer to your post and why we are all here.

[MixedBag]

Actions speak louder than words.

It doesn't matter which side of the situation you're on.

Show the child through actions what the truth is and let them figure it out for themselves.

I know this worked like a charm just recently when one of mine said "That never happens" and then three weeks later they saw it for their own eyes and bingo....

Love them and the EX will shoot herself (or himself in the case for others) in the foot all by themselves if this is what they are truly about.

[Rane]

I did not mean dad's or step-dad's opinions do not matter. I only thought sm here would be able to relate. Please excuse me for this & ANY help is appreciated!!

Rane