What to do with rudeness?

[almostastepmom]

I recently posted about my DSO's 8 year old daughter writing in her journal that she hated me.  That was at Thanksgiving time!  The next time we got to see them was the day after Christmas and they were staying with us (mainly me due to DSO work schedule) until 1/4.  
While both kids were at the house, they started to say they watned to go home, our house has to many rules, I'm to mean to them, etc.... All of this I either overheard or was told to me by a very nice 11 year old that cornered the 8 year old for being rude and wanted to know why.  She later came to me and told me what 8 year old said about me.
The thing is our rules are simple rules, not strict or harsh, but rules that I'm sure all of you have at your house and inforce, such as; brushing your teeth, making your bed, picking up your stuff, not jumping on furniture, USING YOUR MANNERS (which is a big one for me), going to bed at a reasonable hour, and things like that.
I don't think they have any rules or chores at their mothers house and have even said so.  They don't have to brush their teeath, that's why their teeth are yellow and have cavities, they don't have to keep their room clean, that's why they loose stuff and stuff gets broken.
I know that BM says stuff about us, especially me infront of them and of course they will not ever say what, but now the 8 year old won't even look at me or answer my questions.  My DSO knows what is going on, has talked to both of them, especially the 8 year old and says that talking with ex is just a waste of breath and nothing will change at her house.  I do agree, but in the mean time, what on earth do I do.  I'm getting no where with her except to the point that I want to bend her over my knee and spank her. UGH!!!!!!!!!! HELP

[MKx2]

I'm sure you already know that, but do not ever, in any way shape or form discipline either of your SO's children physically.  YOU will end up in jail.  Trust me ... it can and will happen if you do.

I completely commiserate with you about the two you have with you ... I have three skids, and when they were younger they lived with with us full time (two have now emancipated, YSD is 16 and with PBFH, 'cause she has no rules and we do).  It was hell on earth.  All three of them told me I had no sayso in the house, they were rude, obnoxious, refused to listed AND DH never backed me up.  Lovely situation - grrrrrrr!

In retrospect, I think what I should have done was to ignore any requests they had unless they spoke politely and civilly, refused to take them anywhere or pick up anything for them if they had been rude to me, and made damn sure that if DH wasn't going to be home when the skids were there that he hired a babysitter.  I am totally serious.  These three kids destroyed MY furniture, the carpeting in the house, put holes in the walls, and destroyed countless smaller belongings of mine and DH's.  Completely wild.

Even today, SS who is 20 can destroy silverware, pens, DVD player, you name it, within 10 minutes of walking into the house.  OSD is much better now, but YSD is just like her older brother.

I am sorry for you, as it will NOT get any better ... if it was me in your shoes, and I wasn't married to their dad I would just SO run the OTHER direction!

It ain't worth the pain, aggravation and emotional upheaval.

[Imom]

What, you can go to jail for spanking your step-children.  Then I have a question, although it is a last opption. My husband does more then I.
We were asked that in court my husband an I both were about spanking the children. We both stated that we do as the last opption. The judge told bm and her attorny that I have every right to do so.
That if I believe the child needs a spanking if he does someting wrong I have every right to do so.  He said I can't spank one child and not the other. If one of my bio children did something wrong and I spanked him and then my ss came along and did the samething , but he does not get the same consquince(sp?) then that send the wrong message to him and the other children. They are raising the children together as a family and as brothers they all will and should have the same punshments handed to them by the bf and mrs. bf.

The issue was brought up because after her summer visit when I picked up ss from her, he was excited, jumping , yelling etc. I told him four times to get in the car, my friend did too, I swated his bottom.


Now , the judge knew that I  have a poa that states I have all rights my hubby has in the care and control of his son as spelled out in the court order. But you would still think that would make no since. We got it so I could pick-up son from her, sign things for school, and take him to the doctor etc.  So would the poa cover that too, or would it be just because the judge said so?

This just confused my thats all ,what you said, and what the judge said to us???????????????????????????????????????????///

[sweetnsad]

I disagree about the "not spanking your SO's children"...if they are living or staying in your house, then they abide by your rules.  Period.  And if they don't like it, they get a smack on the butt...

Sorry if this offends some people, but I will not tolerate that kind of behaviour in our home by my SO's kids.  Neither will he and he has told me that I have his full support if I ever have to resort to spanking.  

They get NO discipline at their mother's house, just alot of yelling.  But here, they know the difference and they know the rules...same as above...brush your teeth, no running or jumping on furniture, no sassing, etc...pretty basic.  My own children are well disciplined so I don't allow my SO's kids to get away with stuff either.

I don't believe you will go to jail.  It's all in what the BM wants to take out of it, whether she KNOWS you are disciplining them or whether she WANTS to think you are abusing them...but you and your SO know the difference and believe it or not, so do the kids.

[MKx2]

I have talked to the police about this issue, as well as our lawyer and social services ...

While a spanking is a normal thing in some families, if an adult uses ANY type of corporal punishment with a child and that child, and/or either bio parent makes a complaint about it ... the bio parents and child/or child [em]will be believed by the authorities[/em], and you will go to jail.  You will then spend countless thousands on legal fees, etc. to prove you are not guilty of abuse.

The police, our lawyer and social services all told me the same thing:  do not so much as touch the child.

Frankly I don't care if you believe it or not ... but understand these kids are all programmed in school from kindergarten on about "adults" touching them ... one only has to look at the number of bio parents falsely accused of abuse and the ensuing legal battles to get their rights back to believe that it just could be possible ....

[nosonew]

First off, forget the spanking, regardless of the judge's comments.  He didn't put it in the c.o., so it doesn't matter what he said.  And if bm filed a complaint, although it may go nowhere, your dh may not see his children at all for up to a year or more while you go back and forth to court over "a nothing".  So, it's not worth the risk is it?

If child is being disrespectful, send her to her room.  Do not argue with her, just tell her she is to remain in her room until she can be courteous and respectful.  End of story.

I think alot of your feelings are from you reading the diary, and thinking she doesn't like you.  Well, that may or not be true, but in my case, I treated me ss differently than my own son, I only spanked him twice, once for lying, once for stealing.  I never got turned in for it, and am lucky I didn't.  I let him get away with alot my son wouldn't get away with, why?  Because you can't have a child go from one type of home to another, without an adjustment period.  Slowly let them get into the change from one household to the other.  It's hard for kids to understand the change in rules, at any age.  

Good luck

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

That you need a POA to do all those things for the kids?
(Pick up from school, take to Doctors, etc???)

[sweetnsad]

and still don't agree....but, to each his own, I guess...

[MKx2]

and unless someone has LIVED with the threat, by a child or the NCP, of abuse (of which there was none) ... they will NEVER be able to comprehend what I have said.  YSD, in a rage one day, told me that if I ever asked her to clean her room again she would call her mother,  the police, and tell them I had abused her and "put you away for good!"  And this was said when she was a mere 12 years old.  :-)

Small wonder I gave the advise I did.

[nosonew]

Mk---Yeah, I've been accused of both physical & sexual abuse by the bm. All were false.  However, had she called cps about the two times I did spank him, I would have been up the creek without a paddle, because I DID spank him, and would have said so.  But the times she said I smacked him in the face, performed fellatio on my husband in front of the child, had sex in front of the child, played with the child's penis, etc., etc., etc.  did not ever occur except in her warped mind.  Our cps told us that the child did NOT belong in her care, and asked us to have the court subpoena their records.  We tried, the court refused to do so.  We tried and tried, the courts continued to refuse.  I don't know why, they just wouldn't, and neither would the custody evaluator, or our mediator, of course, if it had been the other way around....and bm had requested this stuff, I bet they would have done it.  Just shows how the fathers rights are continually blocked by idiotic, uncaring, think they know it all already, people.  

However, good does win in the end, but now that ss lives with dad, I just wonder how he would be different if he had been "allowed" this many years ago when cps wanted to testify on our behalf and wasn't allowed to....hmmmm...