punishment of ss

[tulip]

The other day I asked ss what he was doing and he lied right to my face. He was not doing what he was supposed to be doing, so instead of telling me what he was really doing, he lied. Three times he lied to me, and the 4th time I asked him, he told me the truth. What he really was doing was trying to get his glove that he had thrown on the roof. So since he figured he would be in trouble for throwing his glove on the roof, he lied.

I didn't even tell him how stupid it was to throw his glove on the roof, because I was so upset that he lied right to my face three times. I told him that is one of the worst things he can do to me, it completely breaks down trust, and is a sin against God. Later dh told him that if he had told the truth, I would have told him how stupid it was to throw his glove on the roof, and that it's dangerous to try to break the icicles of the house, but he wouldn't have been punished for it. Now he would be punished because he lied.

Now, it's hard to punish him because there is not much we can take away. They get home from school so late, our kids never watch TV or go play with their friends on weeknights. He's 8 and doesn't really talk on the phone, except to bm and we can't take that away. They don't play video games. So we decided he would be grounded through Sat, because then he might actually miss out on something. We talked to him and told him what he did was VERY wrong, and he should be sorry for it. We told him that we love him very much and will forgive him, but he needs to be sorry for what he did and not do it again.

Well later, before we had a chance to tell him what his punishment was going to be, it was decided that he would go to bm's house Fri night and spend the night. Sat dh is going to pick him and go Christmas shopping. So much for being grounded. When we talked to him about his punishment, he got really snotty. He said "I'll just play with my friends Friday, when I go to my mom's." DH said there's nothing we can do about that. Then I told him he can't have any treats. Last week at church, he and my daughter made this Xmas countdown thing that has a piece of candy for every day and part of the Xmas story. So they have been eating the candy every day as they read the story. When I told him that he can't have any treats, he said "Then I'm taking all my treats to my mom's on Friday so nobody else can eat them."
"No you're not" we told him. DH explained that when you do something wrong, you are supposed to regret it and that's why you get punished. I told him that when you do something wrong, it's not enough to say you're sorry, you should feel sorry in your heart, and his attitude is showing us that he's not sorry about it. I'm pretty upset about this because I personally really think that lying is one of the worst things a person can do. I want him to learn something from his punishment, but he's just trying to scam out of it.

When he went to bed, dh went to tuck him in like he does every night. He came back shaking his head and said he was still pretty upset. He said it's not right "That's MY candy"
 
I know when he goes to bm's she is just going to tell him how mean we are for punishing him.

[wendl]

your not mean for punishing him. Lying is wrong I tell my child and my stepkids that they will get in more trouble if they lie to me or dh than if they tell the truth (LOL my child has learned this)

What my friend had to do for punishment was take away recess at school, the reason she took this away instead of things at home is this was one of his favorite things.  

Also fine let him go to bms and do whatever, that doesnt mean that when he gets home everything will be fine and dandy, he still needs consequences for his actions.

Good luck

[DK]

My SS does have very different rules and consequences.  He knows the rules here, he knows the consequences.  If something happens and he will be with his mom, he knows when he comes back he has to deal with the rules here. Stick to your instinct.

[stepmom who cares]

Hang tough!!  I get more upset (inside) when the SD's think they can skirt around my punishments when they go with BM!  Now I realize those visits are few and far - so I too have tried to think out side "their box" and be more creative.  I actually did not let the older one go on a school field trip - and I told her teacher why.  Not a problem - she sat in on another class the day her class went.  She has not repeated the action she did to get in trouble yet.    My neighbor makes her kids write sentences - 100 times - and I don't know how many times my kids have come home to tell me - so & so is writing again!  They know that means they are in trouble!  If they can't write sentences she makes them write their name!  I thought that was creative.
My girls try and turn on the tears . . . I tell them it won't work but it is good now and then to give your eyes a good cleaning!
Hang in there!

[ksswthrt74]

The Counselor my X had my daughter's seeing suggested having my oldest one 9 at the time, to write a story about why she lied. She had to give it to us then give it to the counselor.  I don't think that she has ever had to do it.  At least not on my weekends.

If  your DH and his ex can agree that when they do something at their house, the same privileage has to be taken away at their house. That way they don't think that they can get away with doing the same thing at Mom's house.  

When my old neighbor grounded her boys from their Playstation. they were also grounded from their Dad's if it was during his weekend. Not a whole she could do to enforce it there, but they were still grounded from it when the got back home.

Since I only get my girls every other weekend, I'm making up a list of things they have to do here.  They will start off with an hour of computer time( as they don't get to be on the computer at home.), the list will show the things that will make them loose 5 mins, a list that will show them things that will make them earn 5 mins, and if they do things that are not on the list and don't fuss and do it the first time, they get 10 mins. 5 for not fussing and 5 for doing it the first time we told them. The  list is going to be posted on their bedroom door. Somethings will be the same, some won't as they are 2 different personalities.

Good Luck.
Just stick to your guns