Author Topic: BM Update and Question! (Read 1844 times)

bleemom · « **on:** Mar 02, 2007, 01:09:38 pm »

I had my first interaction w/ BM last night since I pretty much called her a liar. SD had a program at school last night. I knew one of three things would happen. 1. Be mean to me. 2. Not say a word to me. OR 3. Be sugar and spice with me. Well, it was #2. Being the passive, easy going person I am, I still wasn't going to let her walk all over me or make me feel as if I was the one that did something wrong. I was determined to make eye contact with her and not let her think she intimidated me. I guess I did ok. Like I said, she didn't speak to me. There were grandparents from both sides and cousins, so there wasn't really a chance to say anything or even really look at her anyway. SD started getting upset b/c she wanted to go eat w/ DHs parents. Well, SD didn't know it but she is spending the night with them Sat. night. BM was telling her no, she had things to do and it was a school night. So, to help out I interrupted and told her she would see them Sat. night anyway. BM told SD,"see you will see them this weekend." That was the closest we came to speaking to each other. DH, on the other hand, is outspoken. Walked right up to Bm's husband and said, hey man whats up. Her husband was friendly and asked DH about his broken ankle. All BM said was hey. See DH knew she was lying too, but I was the one that pointed it out, so she hates me. :-) DH just hates arguing with her, well anyone for that matter. Anyway, DH is going out of town this weekend and it is our weekend w/ SD, so I am going to pick her up. We will see just how mad BM is at me today I guess.

That brings me to my question. Those of you that read my previous two posts may remember that BM told me (the night I confronted her about lying) that she was going to mail us a check for SDs meds, this collection bill, and SDs ankle surgery on Tues. or Wed. Well, guess what! We still haven't gotten it! If she mailed it Tues. It would have been here yesterday at the very latest and if she mailed it Wed. it will be here today at the very latest. But, whenever I mail anything to BM she gets it the very next day. She told me that herself. So, I am pretty much betting she never mailed it and if she did it was after Tues. or Wed. when she said she was going to. Question is, how do I confront her about this? DH will be gone. Here is my thought, let me know what you think. I thought about calling her when I know she is on her way home from work and SD is not with her and saying "We still haven't received that check you said you were going to mail on Tues. or Wed. and I just wanted to check on it". How does that sound? What I really would like to say is, "We still haven't received the check you were supposed to mail us on Tues. or Wed., did it conveniently get lost in the mail too." LOL But, that would start trouble and I like to try to be a bigger person than that, although, sometimes immaturaty (sp) gets the best of me. :-) Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I guess, we still have the chance that it comes in the mail today. But if I waited to post then, I wouldn't have time to get advice. I hate feeling like a child and having to be told what to say in a confrontation b/c I am terrible with words. Now wordiness I have no trouble with as you can very well tell. I will shut-up now b/c I didn't intend for this to be near as long as it is. Thanks agian. Look forward to hearing from you.

Smiles, :-)
Bleemom

Sherry1 · « **Reply #1 on:** Mar 02, 2007, 02:05:13 pm »

party to BM, not you.

Sunshine1 · « **Reply #2 on:** Mar 02, 2007, 03:36:27 pm »

You gotta let DH do it. You need to preserve the relationship you have with her because of all the contact you must have/do with her concerning SD. Let DH be the bad guy. They are already divorced she expects it from him.

I know how difficult it is to stay out of the middle and I know why she would rather speak to you instead of DH. But you have to let the visitation issues/arrangements, money matters, CS left up to your DH.

BELIEVE ME, I have ALOT of experience in this area. My DH's BM will NOT speak to him and you can guarantee you will never catch him speaking to her if his life depended on it. I am the middle man but when bad guy issues come up...I make him do it because he knows how to handle her and what will shut her up.

Don't say a word about it. You will be thankful later. :)

Good luck with the drop off...Here are some words of wisdom I once received from REF.

1. Always speak and act like the judge is standing right along side you

AND

2. You cannot control the actions of another, you can only control how YOU react to the actions of another......believe me, saved my ass more than once. ;)

Jade · « **Reply #3 on:** Mar 02, 2007, 06:30:49 pm »

>I had my first interaction w/ BM last night since I pretty
>much called her a liar. SD had a program at school last night.
>I knew one of three things would happen. 1. Be mean to me. 2.
>Not say a word to me. OR 3. Be sugar and spice with me. Well,
>it was #2. Being the passive, easy going person I am, I still
>wasn't going to let her walk all over me or make me feel as if
>I was the one that did something wrong. I was determined to
>make eye contact with her and not let her think she
>intimidated me.

Basically, what you are saying is that you forced eye contact on another human being? Are you trying to fight with mother? Really, if she doesn't want to talk to you or look at you, so what? Pushing the issue like you claimed to have will only make a tense situation worse.

>
>That brings me to my question. Those of you that read my
>previous two posts may remember that BM told me (the night I
>confronted her about lying) that she was going to mail us a
>check for SDs meds, this collection bill, and SDs ankle
>surgery on Tues. or Wed. Well, guess what! We still haven't
>gotten it! If she mailed it Tues. It would have been here
>yesterday at the very latest and if she mailed it Wed. it will
>be here today at the very latest. But, whenever I mail
>anything to BM she gets it the very next day. She told me that
>herself. So, I am pretty much betting she never mailed it and
>if she did it was after Tues. or Wed. when she said she was
>going to. Question is, how do I confront her about this? DH
>will be gone. Here is my thought, let me know what you think.
>I thought about calling her when I know she is on her way home
>from work and SD is not with her and saying "We still haven't
>received that check you said you were going to mail on Tues.
>or Wed. and I just wanted to check on it". How does that
>sound? What I really would like to say is, "We still haven't
>received the check you were supposed to mail us on Tues. or
>Wed., did it conveniently get lost in the mail too." LOL But,
>that would start trouble and I like to try to be a bigger
>person than that, although, sometimes immaturaty (sp) gets the
>best of me. :-) Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly
>appreciated. I guess, we still have the chance that it comes
>in the mail today. But if I waited to post then, I wouldn't
>have time to get advice. I hate feeling like a child and
>having to be told what to say in a confrontation b/c I am
>terrible with words. Now wordiness I have no trouble with as
>you can very well tell. I will shut-up now b/c I didn't intend
>for this to be near as long as it is. Thanks agian. Look
>forward to hearing from you.
>
>Smiles, :-)
>Bleemom

It's not your place to bring it up. ANY financial matters involving THEIR child is between THEM. Not you and them.

And you sticking your nose in isn't going to help.

Sherry1 · « **Reply #4 on:** Mar 03, 2007, 01:55:37 am »

nm

dipper · « **Reply #5 on:** Mar 03, 2007, 09:44:45 am »

Eye contact is not an act of force. She initiated contact to show she was not feeling bad or that she didnt feel guilty as if she had done something wrong.

Also, while I agree with all that dh should be the one to mention this to BM, Bleemom does have a say-so as this involves her financial situation as well. Only she needs to tell it to dh because ultimately, a judge would say its between dh and the bm. The real scope is, it effects bleemom and she has every right to expect payment, but dh has to be the one to address it.

Jade · « **Reply #6 on:** Mar 03, 2007, 11:15:35 am »

>Eye contact is not an act of force. She initiated contact to
>show she was not feeling bad or that she didnt feel guilty as
>if she had done something wrong.
>
>Also, while I agree with all that dh should be the one to
>mention this to BM, Bleemom does have a say-so as this
>involves her financial situation as well. Only she needs to
>tell it to dh because ultimately, a judge would say its
>between dh and the bm. The real scope is, it effects
>bleemom and she has every right to expect payment, but dh has
>to be the one to address it.

When a person makes it clear that she does not want to have eye contact and the other person presses the issue, yes, that is force.

And you are 100% wrong in saying that the stepmother has a say-so in the financial matters regarding the parents' child. Only the actual parents and the courts have a say-so.

The stepmother cannot circumvent a court order.

MixedBag · « **Reply #7 on:** Mar 03, 2007, 01:19:59 pm »

about the financial comment.

"while I agree with all that dh should be the one to mention this to BM, Bleemom does have a say-so as this involves her financial situation as well. Only she needs to tell it to dh because ultimately, a judge would say its between dh and the bm. The real scope is, it effects bleemom and she has every right to expect payment, but dh has to be the one to address it."

She agrees that the court would say it's between Dad and Mom and she said that a stepmom should tell Dad.

Financial matters affect the whole family, and I agree that the spouses should talk about stuff and then the bio-parent needs to take it to the other bio-parent for a resolution.

That's one thing STBX#3 just didn't get either. His attorney's costs were astronomical, and he would say "I'll work overtime" -- well overtime took away from OUR time. And if he didn't work overtime, it would come out of his share of the income that was our family income. He applied the same theory to anything he wanted to buy where I didn't fully agree, not just the attorney's bill.

Jade · « **Reply #8 on:** Mar 03, 2007, 01:28:37 pm »

>about the financial comment.
>
>"while I agree with all that dh should be the one to mention
>this to BM, Bleemom does have a say-so as this involves her
>financial situation as well. Only she needs to tell it to dh
>because ultimately, a judge would say its between dh and the
>bm. The real scope is, it effects bleemom and she has every
>right to expect payment, but dh has to be the one to address
>it."
>
>She agrees that the court would say it's between Dad and Mom
>and she said that a stepmom should tell Dad.
>
>Financial matters affect the whole family, and I agree that
>the spouses should talk about stuff and then the bio-parent
>needs to take it to the other bio-parent for a resolution.
>
>That's one thing STBX#3 just didn't get either. His
>attorney's costs were astronomical, and he would say "I'll
>work overtime" -- well overtime took away from OUR time. And
>if he didn't work overtime, it would come out of his share of
>the income that was our family income. He applied the same
>theory to anything he wanted to buy where I didn't fully
>agree, not just the attorney's bill.
>
>
>
I read her response carefully.

Basically, the stepmother in this case thinks she is actually the mother (her words) and that she has a say-so in financial matters between the actual parents. I can understand her wanting the mother to pay her share. But she should NEVER be the one to talk to the mother about it.

She has taken it upon herself to call the actual mother a liar and talk to her about finances. She is also trying to force eye contact on the mother when the mother clearly has shown no interest in being around her. All she is doing is making a tense situation worse and if she persists, she could end up with a restraining order. Because forcing eye contact on someone is harassment. And that is illegal.

And the stepmom can tell dad all she wants, HE is the one who decides if he wishes to pursue it or not. Hopefully, he would enforce an existing court order. But if he doesn't want to, that is his choice.

MixedBag · « **Reply #9 on:** Mar 04, 2007, 06:28:21 pm »

Please read dipper's response carefully about the financial subject.

You two disagree about the subject of eye contact.

But you two AGREE that the stepmom should work through the Dad.

And I'm just agreeing that finances DO impact the stepmom. But since she's the STEP and not the Bio, the step has to work through the bio-parent.

jilly · « **Reply #10 on:** Mar 05, 2007, 08:03:19 am »

Here's a sentence from the original post about calling the BM a liar:

"I started dealing with BM mainly when my DH was in Iraq. It was my job while he was gone, ya know. Then when he got back after a year, we just kept it like it was. He didn't have to deal with her, and I didn't mind it. "

She was in a situation where she HAD to be the contact person for everything. Granted, when her DH came back he should have taken that responsibility back, but he didn't. So...she does have the "right" to discuss this and other issues with the BM. My personal opinion: she needs to hand this over to her DH and let him deal with it. And if he chooses not to, then so be it.

I didn't read her comment about the eye contact as "forcing" it. There is nothing illegal about forcing eye contacdt on someone and, to my knowledge, it's not harassment. I'd be glad to test the theory though just so I could see the judge laugh you out of the courtroom for such frivolous charges.

Jade · « **Reply #11 on:** Mar 05, 2007, 04:40:25 pm »

>Here's a sentence from the original post about calling the BM
>a liar:
>
>"I started dealing with BM mainly when my DH was in Iraq. It
>was my job while he was gone, ya know. Then when he got back
>after a year, we just kept it like it was. He didn't have to
>deal with her, and I didn't mind it. "
>
>She was in a situation where she HAD to be the contact person
>for everything. Granted, when her DH came back he should have
>taken that responsibility back, but he didn't. So...she does
>have the "right" to discuss this and other issues with the BM.
> My personal opinion: she needs to hand this over to her DH
>and let him deal with it. And if he chooses not to, then so
>be it.
>

While the father was unable to actually discuss the financial matters with the actual mother, the actual mother may have had to go through the stepmother to relay info to the father that is no longer the case.

My personal opinion, if my ex were to marry someone who thought she had the right to discuss financial matters regarding my children, she would find that she was talking to air. I simply will not discuss something that is none of her business. Unless my ex lies to her, she would be fully aware that he has financial obligations when he met her.

>I didn't read her comment about the eye contact as "forcing"
>it. There is nothing illegal about forcing eye contacdt on
>someone and, to my knowledge, it's not harassment. I'd be
>glad to test the theory though just so I could see the judge
>laugh you out of the courtroom for such frivolous charges.

You may want to look up the definition of harassment. BTW, a judge wouldn't laugh me out of the courtroom. He would probably tell the stepmother that her behavior is not helping the situation.

FatherTime · « **Reply #12 on:** Mar 05, 2007, 05:02:57 pm »

I'm sorry Jade. I'm not picking on you. I'm just disagreeing. I appreciate your input as much as everyone else's.
-------------------------------------------------

Eye contact is not harrasment...it is acknowledgment.

" BTW, a judge wouldn't laugh me out of the courtroom. He would probably tell the stepmother that her behavior is not helping the situation. "

Don't be too sure about that. Judges are as varied as their judgements. They all have their quirks and biases.

A little over the top.
_____________________________

"And you are 100% wrong in saying that the stepmother has a say-so in the financial matters regarding the parents' child. Only the actual parents and the courts have a say-so. "

100% wrong? Not. Financial matters can be shared among married couples. Albeit, not all couples co-mingle funds, a majority do. It's a part of her household budget and it does affect other areas of her financial marriage. She has a say in the matter.

Bleemom :D Quit looking at me!!! I'll have you arrested or restrained from looking in my general direction.

jj

Jade · « **Reply #13 on:** Mar 05, 2007, 08:33:01 pm »

>I'm sorry Jade. I'm not picking on you. I'm just
>disagreeing. I appreciate your input as much as everyone
>else's.
>-------------------------------------------------
>
>Eye contact is not harrasment...it is acknowledgment.

When the person AVOIDING the eye contact has made it CLEAR (and according to the original poster, she DID) that she doesn't want to, it is harassment to pursue that. And, to be quite blunt, rather immature and shows a lack of character on the person's who is insisting on the eye contact.

>
>" BTW, a judge wouldn't laugh me out of the courtroom. He
>would probably tell the stepmother that her behavior is not
>helping the situation. "
>
>Don't be too sure about that. Judges are as varied as their
>judgements. They all have their quirks and biases.
>
>A little over the top.

Just like the poster who said it would be laughed out of court shouldn't be too sure that that is what would happen.

>_____________________________
>
>"And you are 100% wrong in saying that the stepmother has a
>say-so in the financial matters regarding the parents' child.
>Only the actual parents and the courts have a say-so. "
>
>100% wrong? Not. Financial matters can be shared among
>married couples. Albeit, not all couples co-mingle funds, a
>majority do. It's a part of her household budget and it does
>affect other areas of her financial marriage. She has a say
>in the matter.

Actually, I am correct. The stepmother has no say in the financial matters concerning the support of the the father's children. The father (and actual mother) has no choice but to do what the court order states.

And only the actual parent can bring contempt charges against the other actual parent to enforce an existing court order. And the actual mother doesn't have to discuss it with the stepmother at all as the stepmother has no say in the matter at all. She can't force the actual father to legally pursue any money that the actual mother owes nor can she file suit against the actual mother. She simply has no legal standing at all.

And she is only making matters worse by her behavior.

topnotchdad · « **Reply #14 on:** Mar 05, 2007, 09:00:37 pm »

It is quite obvious that Jade is not a step-mother.

Lets just cut her some slack for the time being, and remember that until she has some ACTUAL step-children that she ACTUALLY loves, and she might ACTUALLY care about what is best for them; regardless of if their ACTUAL mother ACTUALLY actively participates in their lives or not--

well, until Jade has some ACTUAL step-children, she just won't ACTUALLY understand what it's like to be a step-mom.

So geez, guys, cut her some slack and quit forcing her to post messages here. It's harassment!

;)

jilly · « **Reply #15 on:** Mar 05, 2007, 09:04:33 pm »

:D :D

FatherTime · « **Reply #16 on:** Mar 05, 2007, 09:15:42 pm »

"Actually, I am correct. The stepmother has no say in the financial matters concerning the support of the the father's children. The father (and actual mother) has no choice but to do what the court order states. "

She has more say than you think. Maybe not in court, but in the household. Life is not centered around a court order.

From one of your previous posts...

"Basically, what you are saying is that you forced eye contact on another human being?"

and from your last post...

"When the person AVOIDING the eye contact has made it CLEAR (and according to the original poster, she DID) that she doesn't want to, it is harassment to pursue that."

Do you work at a womans domestic violence shelter? Battery by eye contact. Take the kids away. ( I know that you didn't say that, but it almost falls inline with that type of thinking )

strange

Jade · « **Reply #17 on:** Mar 05, 2007, 09:38:30 pm »

>"Actually, I am correct. The stepmother has no say in the
>financial matters concerning the support of the the father's
>children. The father (and actual mother) has no choice but to
>do what the court order states. "
>
>She has more say than you think. Maybe not in court, but in
>the household. Life is not centered around a court order.
>
When it comes to financial matters concerning children from her husband's previous marriage, yes, it is centered around a court order. The budget has to be planned around the court order. Child support does not take expenses into consideration. Sure, she can tell him to stop paying child support. But then that is only going to get him into trouble if he actually listens to her. Sure, she can tell him to file contempt charges. But if he chooses not to, she can't force him to.

She has no legal standing. And the actual mother is not obligated in any way to actually talk to her about financial matters.

>From one of your previous posts...
>
>"Basically, what you are saying is that you forced eye contact
>on another human being?"
>
>and from your last post...
>
>"When the person AVOIDING the eye contact has made it CLEAR
>(and according to the original poster, she DID) that she
>doesn't want to, it is harassment to pursue that."
>
>Do you work at a womans domestic violence shelter? Battery by
>eye contact.

No, I don't work at a domestic violence shelter. I just recognize controlling behavior when someone posts it. And that is one big red flag. Would I press charges? No, but I sure as hell would make it clear just how childish her behavior was.

Take the kids away. ( I know that you didn't say
>that, but it almost falls inline with that type of thinking )
>

Not even close, but if it makes you feel better to think that, I certainly can't stop you.

Jade · « **Reply #18 on:** Mar 05, 2007, 09:42:41 pm »

>It is quite obvious that Jade is not a step-mother.
>
>Lets just cut her some slack for the time being, and remember
>that until she has some ACTUAL step-children that she ACTUALLY
>loves, and she might ACTUALLY care about what is best for
>them; regardless of if their ACTUAL mother ACTUALLY actively
>participates in their lives or not--
>
>well, until Jade has some ACTUAL step-children, she just won't
>ACTUALLY understand what it's like to be a step-mom.
>
>So geez, guys, cut her some slack and quit forcing her to post
>messages here. It's harassment!
>
>;)

Jade happened to be a STEPdaughter at one point. And to be quite blunt, the stepparents sticking their nose where it didn't belong only made it worse for my siblings and me. Have you ever, once considered, that that is what happens when stepparents overstep their boundaries?

One doesn't have to be a stepparent to realize that a stepparent is quite capable of making a tense situation worse.

And if I ever become a stepmom, I will respect the fact that I am NOT the mom. And that I have no say in the financial matters between the ACTUAL parents.

And the actual mother in this case IS actively involved in the child's life. And, yet, the STEPmother thinks she happens to be the mom. She is clearly overstepping her boundaries.

topnotchdad · « **Reply #19 on:** Mar 05, 2007, 10:07:34 pm »

>
>Jade happened to be a STEPdaughter at one point.

I was an Algebra student once. That certainly doesn't mean I know how it feels to be an Algebra TEACHER, does it?

And to be
>quite blunt, the stepparents sticking their nose where it
>didn't belong only made it worse for my siblings and me. Have
>you ever, once considered, that that is what happens when
>stepparents overstep their boundaries?
>
>

Have you ever, once considered that not every family fits into the box you want them to?

>One doesn't have to be a stepparent to realize that a
>stepparent is quite capable of making a tense situation worse.
>
>
>And if I ever become a stepmom, I will respect the fact that I
>am NOT the mom. And that I have no say in the financial
>matters between the ACTUAL parents.

I hope that if you ever do become a step-mom, that the childrens' ACTUAL mother doesn't leave you to do all the work of raising her children like some BM's do. It would be really great if all mothers stepped up to the plate and did stuff with their kids, took them to appointments, practices, etc. But guess what? Not all mom's do. So should the step-mother say, "Tough luck, stepkid. I'm not your ACTUAL mom so you will just have to miss baseball practice b/c it's none of my business if you get there or not."

Should the step-mother say, " Sorry that you don't get to go to camp, step-kid, because your ACTUAL mother said she was going to send in the registration forms, but she didn't, and that's none of my business."

Most step-moms want what's best for their step-kids. Please give us credit for that. I'm sure that SOME step-moms overstep their boundaries, but you know what? Being a step-mom is not exactly an easy job.
>
>And the actual mother in this case IS actively involved in the
>child's life. And, yet, the STEPmother thinks she happens to
>be the mom. She is clearly overstepping her boundaries.
>

I don't think the step-mother really thinks she is the mom. I think when she wrote that, what she MEANT was that she's the "responsible party," who keeps track of the appointments, practices, school calendar, etc.

Just like I think when she said she "forced eye contact," I don't think she means that she took the mother's head in her hands and opened up her eyelids and forced her to look directly in her eye.

Did anybody think that? C'mon, show of hands.

Clearly, Jade, you're entitled to your opinion. Just remember that not every family is alike, and there are lots of different kinds of family dynamics out there.

FatherTime · « **Reply #20 on:** Mar 05, 2007, 11:53:50 pm »

[img src=http://www.geopics.net/fathertime/1.jpg]

[img src=http://www.geopics.net/fathertime/2.jpg]

[img src=http://www.geopics.net/fathertime/3.jpg]

notnew · « **Reply #21 on:** Mar 06, 2007, 07:17:37 am »

To all:

I cannot remember the exact words of all the posts and who made them but...

Regarding SM communicating with BM/Enforcing Court Orders: While DH was in Iraq, SM had all the responsibilities and legal recourse in the matter available to her as if she were DH. The required power of attorney gave her the designation to handle all of DH's affairs.

YES - DH should have assumed all of his responsibilities upon his return. However, in the real world, we all know that in most relationships women handle the details of planning, coordinating, gathering information, etc.

SO, while SM has the responsibility of being the "office manager" for her family, DH should be the one to follow up with BM regarding financial issues.

SO, it would be best for Bleemom to keep mum about the issue and discuss it with DH.

NOW, this brings me to the position I have been in several times as a SMOM (this is notnew's wife posting BTW). In our case there have been several instances where BM for whatever reason hasn't provided for SD as she should (and receives CS for each month without fail). DH has purchased several winter coats for SD. What are we supposed to do? Let her freeze?

Anyone talking to BM is fruitless be it DH, me, his family, her family, the courts, etc. She does what she wants and that is not ever what is best for SD.

SD wears glasses. When she initially failed her eye exam at school, BM took no action and did not inform DH. Several months later, we found out by accident and immediately took her for glasses that I PAID for. I have also purchased two more pairs of new prescriptions for her subsequently.

There are a multitude of other things DH and me have done for SD that BM should have done. BM thinks DH is responsible for these additional costs and doesn't seem to think that CS is supposed to provide for these things too.

Where are we now? BM gets CS to take care of SD. That is all. BM has cried in the courts and lied about DH until he is sick of hearing it. The courts look to him to keep being the "bigger person" and just sucking it up. Well, no more. We are not enabling BM anymore to use our care and concern for the child to take care of the things she is supposed to while she takes the money and spoils SD rotten. She has been very successful in being the "best friend mommy" who lets SD do whatever she wants and now SD wants no part of our consistent, structured, and life with rules upbringing. No smoking, drugs, partying all night and sleeping all day. Sorry, that is not what we are about. If that is what you want, we cannot support that.

So, yes in our case, the "court order" is the rule and nothing more. How sad that one person can take every opportunity away from a child for a loving relationship with all the members of her family, be it the mother's side, father's side, or smom's side. Things could be very different if only BM would communicate with DH and put the child's needs in front of her hatred.

Have I attempted to speak with BM? Once or twice. When my mom instincts are screaming that a child with a 103 fever that in 8 hours I haven't been able to bring down should not have been just dumped in our lap on Father's Day and DH is trying to tell BM what is going on and that SD needs to go to the dr while BM is just ignoring him. Yes, I say she really needs to go to the doctor. Hoping that BM will not just give her adult dosage of meds and let her stay home from school another week. I get cursed out in front of the child. Do I respond to that? No. I smile and drive away. There is no other way to deal with an idiot if you are not in a position to force them to do what they should.

As a mother and a person who generally cares for children, I find it very hard to disconnect from any child I am emotionally involved with who needs the care and protection of a responsible adult. However, to save my sanity and keep our lives straight, I have to. Is it right? NO.

The eye contact issue? I have spent over 7 years being silently bullied and harassed by BM in covert ways. Eye contact is my biggest weapon. When I stare coldly at her without showing any emotion, it is letting her know that she does not intimidate me. I am not afraid of her and I do not have to listen to what SHE directs me to do through the child. I am also letting her know that she is not pissing on my territory and her hold on DH is weak and the only connection is their child. It enrages her that our relationship has enabled DH to stand up to her controlling behavior and overcome her emotional abuse. She is enraged that he walked away from her because nobody does that without paying a huge price. And who is paying that price? The child is because BM is using that child to exact revenge on DH.

There are no easy answers to these situations and that is why boards like this exist. We all come from different walks of life with different experiences behind us.

Jade - you had a poor experience with a SM. Not everyone did. Every involved SM is not a monster trying to gobble and spit out the BM and assume her role. But some are. If you have children of your own, think about the kids your are involved with in connection to your own kids. Think of neices or nephews. How would you feel if a parent were treating them poorly? Not taking care of things as they should and being unaffected by the emotional impact of their lack of interest in their child?

That is how SM's feel. Involved, caring, wanting to help, but getting their hands slapped away every time. Sometimes we over react. Stick our noses in where we shouldn't. Step on toes. Sometimes others do the same to us.

I don't want to incite any hostile feelings here.

Bleemom - please let your DH handle this. The situation that just happened with you and BM is still raw. Let it heal. BM probably feels just as threatened when you handle matters as you do when she does things differently then you would. It is very hard to have two women involved in care taking roles in any relationship.

Good luck.

MixedBag · « **Reply #22 on:** Mar 06, 2007, 07:31:35 am »

yep, made me laugh this morning.

MixedBag · « **Reply #23 on:** Mar 06, 2007, 07:34:30 am »

Bleemom has SAID (and nope, I'm not gonna find her exact words) that she will work through the Dad in resolving financial stuff.

Both Jade and Bleemom have said this, and I just want Jade to step back and see that they agree that a step-mom has to work through Dad to solve financial stuff and problems with Mom.

They both agree the court order is binding.

lucky · « **Reply #24 on:** Mar 06, 2007, 07:37:20 am »

Well, let's see....

I'm a stepdaughter too. My mother would have fallen over in shock if my stepmom had not been included in my dad's financial dealings -- whether it be about the kids or not.

I'm a stepmom and I pay all the bills and handle all financial matters and I do mean ALL and it has been made clear to his TWO ex's that if she needs/wants something paid beyond what is automatically deducted from dh's paycheck, she comes to me or it doesn't happen. Haven't had a problem with that yet and it's going on 10 years.

I'm also a CP mom of a daughter whose father remarried. Their finances were handled the same way my and dh's are and I always discussed financial stuff with my dd's stepmom -- otherwise it wouldn't have gotten taken care of because my ex wouldn't bother. And trust me, I hated the woman's guts - she's the woman he cheated with on me and then left me for, but I talked to her anyway so it would get done.

So, four situations, all of which the stepmom was included in talking to the biological mom about finances relating to the kids. Hmmmm.

Not saying that Bleemom should continue - in her situation she shouldn't talk to the ex, I'm just showing that it can happen and work.

[em]"One doesn't have to be a stepparent to realize that a stepparent is quite capable of making a tense situation worse. "[/em]
One also doesn't HAVE to be a biological parent to realize that a biological parent is quite capable of creating the tense situation in the first place.

[em]Lucky

Lead your life so you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
- Will Rogers[em]

jilly · « **Reply #25 on:** Mar 06, 2007, 07:41:23 am »

Bravo!!!!!

Sherry1 · « **Reply #26 on:** Mar 06, 2007, 10:41:06 am »

complicated. I think Bleemom is one extreme and then Jade is on the other extreme, and the reality and truth is somewhere in between. YSS who is now 16 lives with dad and me (SM). He also lived with us for 2 1/2 years when he was 7. OSS lived with us for 2 years also in the past. We never had the boys at the same time. BM lives 5 1/2 hours away, so coparenting and decision making does not happen when the skids live with us, or with her. There is too much distance involved. There is also a SD involved, but she never lived with us.

I would never and I mean never deal with BM over finances with the kids whether they lived with us or with her. That is DH's place, problem, respnsibility, etc. to deal with. There are also parenting decisions and things that go on with the kids that live with us that I will not deal with. These kids already have two parents and they don't need a third parent. I think Bleemom has overstepped her boundaries by taking up with the SM. While her DH was in Iraq, she may have had to deal with it somewhat, but she needed to back out as soon as he got back. It doesn't sound like dad really wants to step up to the plate and deal with it, it is just easier for Bleemom to take care of it. WRONG!

I think Jade is on the other extreme where she says that the finances of the kids do not affect the stepparents and they should have no say so in the matter. Whether my skids are living with us or with mom, it most certainly does affect the finances of the stepparent. However, I would never deal with BM, DH knows he had better discuss any financial decisions with regard to the skids with me first.

Mamacass · « **Reply #27 on:** Mar 06, 2007, 04:22:20 pm »

Jade, I'm sorry that your experience with your stepmom turned you sour to step parents.
As a stepmom, I feel compelled to reply to you. For the most part, I try to stay out of things, and I let DH do the talking to BM. However, my opinion does matter, I just don't usually talk directly to BM.

Here's the thing, when it comes to decisions for parenting SS, my opinion does get considered, b/c DH and I also have 2 children together. We try to be consistent with all the kids, but also be consistent with BM's house as well.
Finances also get discussed between us. Yes, CS is non-negotiable, just like the mortgage, or electric bill. However extras (like when DH was not paying bills so that he could foot the daycare bill that BM was responsible) are up for discussion.

As far as taking care of kids, sometimes the parents leave it up to the step parents to do some of the parental responsibilities. When BM was working, it fell to me as the step mom to take care of SS when ever he couldn't go to daycare (usually b/c of illness). I picked out the daycare that he attends. When BM was responsible for SS's health, she fell behind on his shots and his dental. Now that he lives with us, I make sure that he is up to date on all things medical.
I also drive SS to school EVERYDAY, take him to his soccer practice 90% of the time (DH takes him the other 10%), and attend all his games. I chaperone his field trips, I attend his school functions. DH and BM attend some of the functions, but not as many as I do. (Keep in mind I also work full time while BM is a stay at home NCP. She has the ability to attend all of SS's functions, but chooses not to)
I may not be SS's mom, but I am his parent. BM may not like it, and she may be downright nasty about it, but that is her problem not mine. We used to be able to speak amicably, but when she decided that she couldn't handle that, I let DH deal with her. Yes, there are times that it would be easier for her to speak directly to me (especially when it comes to scheduling anything), however b/c she is so difficult, DH and I have decided that I won't speak with her unless absolutely necessary. And now, even if she has a problem with me, she discusses it with DH,not me.
I am not trying to replace BM, and I made that clear from the start. In the beginning, I let her dictate how involved I was, and I've followed her lead which is to make me as responsible if not more so for her child. This was her choice, but I am a willing participant.

Note to Bleemom- it may not be a bad idea to remove yourself from the situation for a bit. Yes, BM lied, yes you caught her. She knows that and so do you. Things are probably going to be tense for a bit, so now would probably be a good time for DH to step in and do the communication.

krazyfamily_6 · « **Reply #28 on:** Mar 07, 2007, 08:22:37 am »

Yes, I am also one of those step mothers who has do the work of the BM. I do all the running to dentist, doctors, behavioral doctors, orthodontists, extra curriculars.........all of it that my DH is unable to do because of work.

The BM in our situation is home and available most nights to do some of the running too but chooses not to. She would rather have me, the step mom, do it for her. I am also at every game, every school function, every field trip..........BM is nowhere in sight for these activities.

dipper · « **Reply #29 on:** Mar 07, 2007, 02:32:12 pm »

I still disagree with you. Bleemom has EVERY right to voice her opinion on money matters. She is not circumventing a court order by doing so. OF course, it is up to the father whether to follow through and if he doesnt, there is nothing she can do. That is what I said in the beginning. But, to act like she has no say-so in any matter that affects her just because she didnt give birth..that is wrong. She and dh are a team. While he has final say on matters concerning his child, stepmothers do have a say-so on what goes on in their/effecting their home.

The eye contact - unless she physically went over and opened the woman's lids and physically handled her eye, she could not FORCE it, so it is not illegal. Without touching the only other thing she could do to force it would be to run around in front of bm to make sure she would have to look at her...Now, that may be grounds for a harrassment order, but looking at her is NOT....

But, further more, I have helped my dh tremendously just because he doesnt know the first thing about computers, etc.....and with my help, he got custody of his son. Now, when dh and bm are talking I do not butt into it...unless we are in public and she is doing her cursing, etc...and I have told her to knock it off. But, bm hates me because she knows dh and I discuss things.

She showed her butt about it in ss' counseling session this past summer and the counselor told her that I have a right to be included in everything, that I am a part of the family. I was not in there, I was in the waiting room...dh and ss were there.