BM Update and Question!

[bleemom]

I had my first interaction w/ BM last night since I pretty much called her a liar. SD had a program at school last night. I knew one of three things would happen. 1. Be mean to me. 2. Not say a word to me. OR 3. Be sugar and spice with me. Well, it was #2. Being the passive, easy going person I am, I still wasn't going to let her walk all over me or make me feel as if I was the one that did something wrong. I was determined to make eye contact with her and not let her think she intimidated me. I guess I did ok. Like I said, she didn't speak to me. There were grandparents from both sides and cousins, so there wasn't really a chance to say anything or even really look at her anyway. SD started getting upset b/c she wanted to go eat w/ DHs parents. Well, SD didn't know it but she is spending the night with them Sat. night. BM was telling her no, she had things to do and it was a school night. So, to help out I interrupted and told her she would see them Sat. night anyway. BM told SD,"see you will see them this weekend." That was the closest we came to speaking to each other. DH, on the other hand, is outspoken. Walked right up to Bm's husband and said, hey man whats up. Her husband was friendly and asked DH about his broken ankle. All BM said was hey. See DH knew she was lying too, but I was the one that pointed it out, so she hates me. :-) DH just hates arguing with her, well anyone for that matter. Anyway, DH is going out of town this weekend and it is our weekend w/ SD, so I am going to pick her up. We will see just how mad BM is at me today I guess.

That brings me to my question. Those of you that read my previous two posts may remember that BM told me (the night I confronted her about lying) that she was going to mail us a check for SDs meds, this collection bill, and SDs ankle surgery on Tues. or Wed. Well, guess what! We still haven't gotten it! If she mailed it Tues. It would have been here yesterday at the very latest and if she mailed it Wed. it will be here today at the very latest. But, whenever I mail anything to BM she gets it the very next day. She told me that herself. So, I am pretty much betting she never mailed it and if she did it was after Tues. or Wed. when she said she was going to. Question is, how do I confront her about this? DH will be gone. Here is my thought, let me know what you think. I thought about calling her when I know she is on her way home from work and SD is not with her and saying "We still haven't received that check you said you were going to mail on Tues. or Wed. and I just wanted to check on it". How does that sound? What I really would like to say is, "We still haven't received the check you were supposed to mail us on Tues. or Wed., did it conveniently get lost in the mail too." LOL But, that would start trouble and I like to try to be a bigger person than that, although, sometimes immaturaty (sp) gets the best of me. :-) Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I guess, we still have the chance that it comes in the mail today. But if I waited to post then, I wouldn't have time to get advice. I hate feeling like a child and having to be told what to say in a confrontation b/c I am terrible with words. Now wordiness I have no trouble with as you can very well tell. I will shut-up now b/c I didn't intend for this to be near as long as it is. Thanks agian. Look forward to hearing from you.

Smiles, :-)
Bleemom

[Sherry1]

party to BM, not you.  

[Sunshine1]

You gotta let DH do it.  You need to preserve the relationship you have with her because of all the contact you must have/do with her concerning SD.  Let DH be the bad guy.  They are already divorced she expects it from him.

I know how difficult it is to stay out of the middle and I know why she would rather speak to you instead of DH.  But you have to let the visitation issues/arrangements, money matters, CS left up to your DH.

BELIEVE ME, I have ALOT of experience in this area.  My DH's BM will NOT speak to him and you can guarantee you will never catch him speaking to her if his life depended on it.  I am the middle man but when bad guy issues come up...I make him do it because he knows how to handle her and what will shut her up.

Don't say a word about it.  You will be thankful later.  :)

Good luck with the drop off...Here are some words of wisdom I once received from REF.

1. Always speak and act like the judge is standing right along side you

AND

2. You cannot control the actions of another, you can only control how YOU react to the actions of another......believe me, saved my ass more than once. ;)

[Jade]

>I had my first interaction w/ BM last night since I pretty
>much called her a liar. SD had a program at school last night.
>I knew one of three things would happen. 1. Be mean to me. 2.
>Not say a word to me. OR 3. Be sugar and spice with me. Well,
>it was #2. Being the passive, easy going person I am, I still
>wasn't going to let her walk all over me or make me feel as if
>I was the one that did something wrong. I was determined to
>make eye contact with her and not let her think she
>intimidated me.

Basically, what you are saying is that you forced eye contact on another human being?  Are you trying to fight with mother?  Really, if she doesn't want to talk to you or look at you, so what?  Pushing the issue like you claimed to have will only make a tense situation worse.

>
>That brings me to my question. Those of you that read my
>previous two posts may remember that BM told me (the night I
>confronted her about lying) that she was going to mail us a
>check for SDs meds, this collection bill, and SDs ankle
>surgery on Tues. or Wed. Well, guess what! We still haven't
>gotten it! If she mailed it Tues. It would have been here
>yesterday at the very latest and if she mailed it Wed. it will
>be here today at the very latest. But, whenever I mail
>anything to BM she gets it the very next day. She told me that
>herself. So, I am pretty much betting she never mailed it and
>if she did it was after Tues. or Wed. when she said she was
>going to. Question is, how do I confront her about this? DH
>will be gone. Here is my thought, let me know what you think.
>I thought about calling her when I know she is on her way home
>from work and SD is not with her and saying "We still haven't
>received that check you said you were going to mail on Tues.
>or Wed. and I just wanted to check on it". How does that
>sound? What I really would like to say is, "We still haven't
>received the check you were supposed to mail us on Tues. or
>Wed., did it conveniently get lost in the mail too." LOL But,
>that would start trouble and I like to try to be a bigger
>person than that, although, sometimes immaturaty (sp) gets the
>best of me. :-) Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly
>appreciated. I guess, we still have the chance that it comes
>in the mail today. But if I waited to post then, I wouldn't
>have time to get advice. I hate feeling like a child and
>having to be told what to say in a confrontation b/c I am
>terrible with words. Now wordiness I have no trouble with as
>you can very well tell. I will shut-up now b/c I didn't intend
>for this to be near as long as it is. Thanks agian. Look
>forward to hearing from you.
>
>Smiles, :-)
>Bleemom


It's not your place to bring it up.  ANY financial matters involving THEIR child is between THEM.  Not you and them.  

And you sticking your nose in isn't going to help.  

[Sherry1]

nm

[dipper]

Eye contact is not an act of force.  She initiated contact to show she was not feeling bad or that she didnt feel guilty as if she had done something wrong.

Also, while I agree with all that dh should be the one to mention this to BM, Bleemom does have a say-so as this involves her financial situation as well.  Only she needs to tell it to dh because ultimately, a judge would say its between dh and the bm.    The real scope is, it effects bleemom and she has every right to expect payment, but dh has to be the one to address it.

[Jade]

>Eye contact is not an act of force.  She initiated contact to
>show she was not feeling bad or that she didnt feel guilty as
>if she had done something wrong.
>
>Also, while I agree with all that dh should be the one to
>mention this to BM, Bleemom does have a say-so as this
>involves her financial situation as well.  Only she needs to
>tell it to dh because ultimately, a judge would say its
>between dh and the bm.    The real scope is, it effects
>bleemom and she has every right to expect payment, but dh has
>to be the one to address it.

When a person makes it clear that she does not want to have eye contact and the other person presses the issue, yes, that is force.

And you are 100% wrong in saying that the stepmother has a say-so in the financial matters regarding the parents' child.  Only the actual parents and the courts have a say-so.  

The stepmother cannot circumvent a court order.

[MixedBag]

about the financial comment.

"while I agree with all that dh should be the one to mention this to BM, Bleemom does have a say-so as this involves her financial situation as well. Only she needs to tell it to dh because ultimately, a judge would say its between dh and the bm. The real scope is, it effects bleemom and she has every right to expect payment, but dh has to be the one to address it."

She agrees that the court would say it's between Dad and Mom and she said that a stepmom should tell Dad.

Financial matters affect the whole family, and I agree that the spouses should talk about stuff and then the bio-parent needs to take it to the other bio-parent for a resolution.

That's one thing STBX#3 just didn't get either.  His attorney's costs were astronomical, and he would say "I'll work overtime" -- well overtime took away from OUR time.  And if he didn't work overtime, it would come out of his share of the income that was our family income.  He applied the same theory to anything he wanted to buy where I didn't fully agree, not just the attorney's bill.

 

[Jade]

>about the financial comment.
>
>"while I agree with all that dh should be the one to mention
>this to BM, Bleemom does have a say-so as this involves her
>financial situation as well. Only she needs to tell it to dh
>because ultimately, a judge would say its between dh and the
>bm. The real scope is, it effects bleemom and she has every
>right to expect payment, but dh has to be the one to address
>it."
>
>She agrees that the court would say it's between Dad and Mom
>and she said that a stepmom should tell Dad.
>
>Financial matters affect the whole family, and I agree that
>the spouses should talk about stuff and then the bio-parent
>needs to take it to the other bio-parent for a resolution.
>
>That's one thing STBX#3 just didn't get either.  His
>attorney's costs were astronomical, and he would say "I'll
>work overtime" -- well overtime took away from OUR time.  And
>if he didn't work overtime, it would come out of his share of
>the income that was our family income.  He applied the same
>theory to anything he wanted to buy where I didn't fully
>agree, not just the attorney's bill.
>
>
>
I read her response carefully.  

Basically, the stepmother in this case thinks she is actually the mother (her words) and that she has a say-so in financial matters between the actual parents.  I can understand her wanting the mother to pay her share.  But she should NEVER be the one to talk to the mother about it.  

She has taken it upon herself to call the actual mother a liar and talk to her about finances.  She is also trying to force eye contact on the mother when the mother clearly has shown no interest in being around her.  All she is doing is making a tense situation worse and if she persists, she could end up with a restraining order.  Because forcing eye contact on someone is harassment.  And that is illegal.

And the stepmom can tell dad all she wants, HE is the one who decides if he wishes to pursue it or not.  Hopefully, he would enforce an existing court order.  But if he doesn't want to, that is his choice.

[MixedBag]

Please read dipper's response carefully about the financial subject.

You two disagree about the subject of eye contact.

But you two AGREE that the stepmom should work through the Dad.

And I'm just agreeing that finances DO impact the stepmom.  But since she's the STEP and not the Bio, the step has to work through the bio-parent.