re the Dipper thread below...

[Hazel]

I just read the thread last night, and it's still on my mind this morning.

I'm not trying to be corny or anything, but that thread changed me.  I became a step mother 15 years ago, when SD was nearly 4 years old.  There was nobody to tell me "how" to do it.  I didn't even have any children of my own yet.  I was 25, self absorbed, and extremely naive.  I had no stepmothers in my life to reference or to gain understanding from.  Actually, I don't even know if there were any books out on the subject at that time!  (Not that I'd have read one... Being a stepmother was just something you just simply "became".  Nobody discussed the complicated dynamics.)

With the antics of BM and child, (eerily similar to those referenced by all of you) it didn't take long for me to label SD (in my own mind, not out loud) as a nasty brat.  SD was very clear that she did not want a deeper relationship with me, so I left it at that and merely (politely and cordially) tolerated her.  I am so regretful now that I didn't have the support or the understanding I needed, via boards like this and people like you all.

This thread has helped me to understand where it all went wrong.  Kboed, especially your statements regarding the child having to please the CP that they live with!!!  You are so right about that and everything else.  Years later, BM has shaped SD into a carbon copy replica of her, and our relationship ranges from non existent to horrific.  This happened, in part, because I was so uninformed and gave up so long ago...

It's a lot to think about.

:-(

Best Regards,
Hazel

[Kboeds]

Thank you Hazel for the nice words.

I'm sorry to hear about how things have turned out with your SS.

I'm guessing SD is 19? I work with a girl that has had a really bad relationship with her SM for many years and is very close to her mother. About a year ago, SM and SS started communicating via email and really started getting some things out and working on building a relationship. (I got an ear full several times about some of the stuff that SM was saying to the girl at work so I would say be careful how you phrase things.) I found myself standing up for the girls SM when she would tell me things that she was saying. I was able to see both points of view, ya know.

Is it possible to open the lines of communication with your SS?

Thanks for sharing and you didn't sound corny at all. We are all in this mess together.

KB

[Hazel]

Thanks for your reply and for your kindness.  You are very wise.

SD is 18.  DH and I haven't had a relationship with her for 2 years now.  (We actually, in addition to everything else going on, had to move out of state due to job loss.)  There was a blowup that happened when she pulled the same kind of stuff that Dipper's SS has been doing... only she actually moved in with us for 10 months, turned our lives completely upside down, and then was "bought" back to Mommy's house.  (Dipper, BM used a car and a cell phone as the hook-- the gifts get much more expensive as the child gets older...lol)  She has turned into a very hateful, selfish and spoiled person as a result of getting her every heart's desire (material things only, though...) from BM.  Her bed at our house wasn't even cold before BM took DH back to court for more CS, to the tune of $1200.00 per month.  (Literally, she moved out on a Saturday, and by Monday morning at 9am DH got the call at work.)  Prior to her moving out, there was LOTs of campaigning by BM -- gifts, weekend trips, and lots of attention.  And somehow, magically, step dad's alcoholism and drunk driving with SD in the car was no longer going to be a problem for her.  ("Poof" all fixed!.)

DH told SD that if she wanted to have a relationship with him , he wanted an apology to our family for using us in her game with her Mother.  (Along with an apology for treating us like crap while she lived with us, which is a whole 'nother story.) She is adamant that she's done nothing wrong and refuses to acknowlege her part in any of it.  To be honest, we have grown to hate SD and her mother at this point, and it seems that the relationship is not reconcilable.  I know that's terrible to say, and it's also terrible to feel that way.  But my reason for posting this is to say that this didn't happen overnight, it took 15 years for all of us to run this relationship off into the ditch.  For those of you with younger stepkids, follow the advice in the original Dipper thread (advice I never had until it was too late), and set a good foundation now so that something like this doesn't happen.

If SD were to contact either one of us and speak to us with anything other than an abusive, hostile tone, our hearts would open up to her immediately.  But that's not likely to happen anytime soon.  She's been told (programmed, really) by BM for years that she's a perfect little angel and Dad's just a big jerk who only cares about his "new" family.

And one more thing... I've come to the conclusion through all of this that children should NEVER be given the option of choosing where they want to live.  They simply are not wise enough to make that decision for themselves, and it's best left up to the courts.  Children will always pick the parent who gives them the material stuff they want, because living for today is the nature of being a child.  My SD was 16 years old, and STILL was not capable of choosing what's best for her, so in my opinion there's no way that a 12 year old can do it.  We made SD do her homework (GPA went from a 2.1 up to a 3.6 while we had her...).  We made her eat a vegetable or two.  (OK, didn't "make" her, but we put them in front of her at dinner every night...) We didn't let her sleep on the couch in her clothes with the TV on all night every night.  (She fought us HARD on that one.)  We took things away, like internet usage, whenever her grades started slipping.  Of COURSE she wanted to move back to Moms!!!  Mom's not a parent, Mom's a best friend.  (A best friend that consistently chooses a drunk husband over her SD, but a best friend nonetheless.)

Anyway... Dipper, I totally sympathize with you and can relate to your story.  As you can see, I could go on all day LOLOL!!!  Sorry for this being so long, but thanks for letting me vent.

Best Regards,
Hazel

[dipper]

Wow!  Hazel, sounds as if you had the female version of my ss.  SS began his new school yesterday.  We are hopeful that it will help, although there is that side that says - he is being exposed to children like himself and worse - he could be influenced negatively instead of positively.  It is just so hard to believe anything he says.

I have known him for three years and he has always been a troubled child.  Its only gotten worse now that he is in the teen years and his mother is spoiling him so much.  Before, when they lived here, she never gave him a toy, holidays she would just buy him clothes, and she didnt spend much time with him.  Now that she has moved, she buys him things constantly, he got his first easter basket including stuff he likes from her this year, and she spends a lot of time with him.  Unfortunately it is mostly at her job and he doesnt really need to be out most of the night.   She did call the police on him last week because he was 1 1/2 hours late home and missed tutoring.  Did not phase this child at all.  

What really hurts is that he used to adore me.  He would come over to play with my girls and ask to go places with us regardless of where we were going.  He is the one that kept after dh to spend time with me.  But, I discipline and expect my children to behave and do their best at school.  SS is learning disabled, but I expect him to do the best at what he is capable.  Its like once dh and I got married, he didnt like the atmosphere as dh was finally disciplining.  BM moved and became his best buddy.  She is fun time all the time.  No homework, no responsibilities, just play and get gifts.  He is constantly on the go, so no being at home on school nights.    I know that is the reason behind it all, but it still really hurts.  He fusses with dh constantly about every little thing and he worships bm.  She can do no wrong in his eyes.  It's like our marriage ended dh and yss' relationship as they were so close before - or seemed that way.  In hindsight, we were the ones taking the kids places and such...and she did nothing.  We were doing it for the good of the kids, with no attempt at keeping him away from her - but her goodies have been the weapons of keeping him away from us other than ordered visits.

YSS is the type of child - if he has something, it is better; so living where he is now is better than where we live.  We are hicks and he is stylish.  Oh, I know his bm and grandmother have fed this to him, but it still hurts.  Sometimes I just feel as if we already lost him and we are just dragging this thing out...

And I am a rambler Hazel - and would love to hear more about what you went through as it sounds as if you could give me much to think about - and understanding - which is needed most of all!!