stealing

[casa]

Looking for a little advice from anyone that has had a similar experience.
My 14yr old step daughter has been "stealing" my belongings from my bedroom. At first I thought of it as borrowing my stuff without asking and although I found it annoying I let it go and even bought her her own items thinking if she had her own stuff she'd stay out of my bedroom.

A couple of months ago I could not find an item of mine and asked my SD if she had borrowed it or knew where it might be (she had not). I asked her dad to ask her as well because of the history of missing items (only mine that I'm aware of) but again she denied taking the item.

Recently her father was looking around her room and came across my long lost item. It was in a drawer under her bed.

To me this was not a matter of borrowing and forgetting. She had hidden this item and kept it for several weeks. I'm confused about how to deal with this. I was shocked and hurt and have since purchased a lock for our bedroom door. Her father feels it was in error and she simple borrowed the item forgetting to return it. I realize this is also about respecting our personal space but would like to understand why she is doing this?


Any comments/advice are appreciated

[wendl]

I would confront her with the item and give her a chance to explain herself.

I know when I was younger my stepsister would steal things from my mom, I got blamed for it always UNTIL finally they found the items in her room.

But give her the option of fessing up once she knows she is caught.
My parents had to get a lock on their door due to my stepsister and they ended up no longer buying her things until they regained her trust.



**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Kitty C.]

We have had issues with DS, but for different reasons.  DS's therapist recommended we get a keyed lock for the bedroom door, which we have done and use ALL the time.  

Because it is only happening to you and not your DH, I can understand why he may not take it as seriously, especially since she is his child.  As for why she's doing it, it could be for a myriad of reasons.  Are we talking only about 'feminine' things, or is it possible for her to take something comparable of your DH's and takes yours only?  If that's the case, then she seems to have an issue with you.  Do you have any idea whether she does this with her BM as well?

In the meantime, keep using the lock and make sure that your DH uses it as well....at ALL times, even if you are only going out for a minute and she's there.

[casa]

Thanks for the reply. We now have a coded lock and the door is never left open.
I do not know if she takes things from her BM but it seems that anything around the house if fair game. She also took a camera (yes, my own) that was stored in a cabinet and missing for approx. six months.  It fell out of her backpack the other day when her father and I were with her. She simple said she didn't know who it belonged to when her father asked why she had it.

I let her/them know it was my missing camera (all the kids had been asked if they had seen or found a camera). Her father did not say anything to her about taking things nor the fact that the camera was damaged.

Perhaps I should look at this as simply stealing and not necessarily an issue between SM and SD? Wondering if I should confront her or have her father speak with her?

thx

[4honor]

SS used to take my things... just mine... and he would then destroy and hide the pieces in the most obvious  places. I sat down with him and we had a talk about having respect for yourself and others and that in our home we were going to respect other peoples' things... that taking things that did not belong to you was stealing. IN our house, since God made it one of His rules not to steal, so did we. I didn't ask him why, cause I honestly thought he wouldn't consciously know WHY. But I sat down and told him what I expected of him and the consequences of not meeting those expectations/ following the rules. DH has backed me up or taken the lead in handing out the punishment/consequences as necessary.

Now, I do not know why, but your SD may be trying to see if she can trust you to be a real parent to her. Sure, you have no real rights, but if you set no expectations/rules or goals, how is she supposed to know where the bar is set?

Her mother is probably feeding her the "you don't have to listen to HER" line... and then you do nothing when she steals from you... obviously mom is right... respect goes down the drain... discipline is difficult ever after.

If you must lock your children out of your room, then they are the inmates running the assylum (just ask Doctor Phil). The bahvior must stop cause this is only the beginning.

[casa]

You hit the nail on the head when you said "then they are the inmates running the assylum"! We're living our lives (locked doors, hidden objects) by their rules and need to address this head on.  The why doesn't really matter, the behaviour must stop. Will have to come up with some consquences. Thank you

[sweetnsad]

I have to agree....I will not be forced to lock up my belongings to keep my children or step children from taking them without asking.  That's not going to teach them ANYTHING.  All it does is tell them, "take it if you can get at it".....They need to be taught that it's absolutely wrong and unacceptable and that they will be disciplined accordingly.

[msme]

that bm is pas ing. When kids are told that sooner or later, you will show your true colors, they often try to hurry the process. If they believe that you will eventually turn your back on them & hurt them, then they often try to hurt you first or try to get you to turn away from them.

We always tell them that no matter what they do, nothing & nobody can ever make me stop loving you. I may not like some of the things you do & I will tell you when that happens & punish you, if necessary, but I will still love you.

I also told one who stole something of mine & destroyed it, that if it ever happened again, then the punishment would be that something of their's would be forfeited, permanently. It would be something that was important to them & they would participate in it's removal. It never happened again.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!