Should you allow your stepchildren to call you mom or dad?

[magician]

[Droogle]

mom or dad except the bio parents.  We have had custody of SD since she was 4yo.  BM disappeared when she was 5yo.  I have a now 7yo son with DH.  As he got older SD started calling me mom because he did.  SD is now 10yo and BM just popped back in again.  SD still calls me mommy and BM either her name or mommy.  After a 4 plus year absence what else can she expect.  If BM was involved with SD all along I would still be Droogle to SD and Mom to my son.  

[katz]

Except there is nothing ordered about no one else being called mom or dad.

Sd's mom was gone for 3 years, during some important formative years IMO (from age 2-5). You can only correct the child for so long, and with no physical reason (as in  mom visibly, verbally ANYTHING available),  it was very confusing for my sd at the time.

Our bm came back too, so now we are a true step family. All those years without the added dynamics were so different then now.

[littlebit]

Mine is the opposite situation.  BM is a serious PAS case.  One of the many tactics she has used on our son (now 10 yrs old) is to make him call his step-father Dad.  When he verbalized his dislike for this, BM told him that as long as he was at thier house, stepfather is acting as Dad, and that's what he is to be called.

This really burns me up!  

And just for general information, I was considering becoming a foster parent at one time.  They gave me lots of booklets and pamphlets to read on rules, regulations, parenting, etc.  A lot of the information can also relate to parents and step parents...

One of the things foster parents are NOT allowed to do is let the children call you Mom or Dad.  Also, the children should not use your last name, even if its just verbally.  It went on to say that even if the kids want to do this, it is your job to not allow it.  It gave reasons such as causing identity problems, and causing kids to be more apt to reject thier parents and/or thier heritage.  

It also talked a lot about how important it is to become an addition to the kids life, not a replacement.

LittleBit's Dad

[junglechicken]

(because I have that kind of relationship with her) why she calls bm's bf Dad.  She said, with a shrug "Ah, it makes him happy."

DH doesn't *like* it (mostly, I think, because this guy is a real jerk who really doesn't deserve to be a dad to his OWN kids), but the kids know who their dad is, they know who their mom is, bottom line.  

I also think kids grow rather resentful, over time, of a parent who forces the child to call someone else mom or dad.