Going Crazy and Need Help...

[Worried Mom]

Hey all and anyone with advice for me... :D

Okay...a little background...

Me...I moved to NC May 2003...I have four boys (9-10-11-14 yrs. old)...two moved with me (they don't visit their dad) and two visit with me every school break (different dads for the two that live here and the two that still live in MA...my ex and I get along good and we have come to working terms...we also talk to them every night that they are with the other parent)

My hubby...was married for 15 yrs...last two of those they were living apart and she was living with her bf. She cheated on him a bunch of times and he just couldn't deal anymore (not just his say so but notes and other people have backed that up). He fought for custody and won (he has a boy 12 and a girl 14 1/2). So for two years he raised them on his own...no CS from mommy...no help really from mommy.

Current life...

We met in Nov. 2003...started dating in Feb. 2004 and married April 2004...yes I know...QUICK!!! All the kids were so happy about it all...his son was okay with his mom but not close and his daughter hated her...she didn't even want to visit her (told dad if he ever went back to her she was moving in with her grandmother)...my kids loved the whole idea. My hubby spoiled them for two years cause he felt bad about what happened with their mother moving out and all (he knows now that wasn't the right thing to do but it's too late to change the past)...so the kids did pretty much what they wanted. Of course with six kids (four all the time and six during school breaks) some rules had to be set down...we talked with them and handled it in a nice manner but were firm about the issue.

All heck broke loose whenever my step d would get into trouble for something...(bad grades...talking back (to her father...never to me???)...being mean to the other children...breaking house rules...lying). There was a total of three bad fights between her dad and her...the first one I tried to send her to her room for yelling at her father and found out I needed to stay out of their deals (she screemed at me "your not my mother" and then proceeded to flip out). The three big fights ended with her saying "I want to move to my mother's". The first fight noone could even talk to her...she would lose it...so we called her grandmother (mom's step-mother who was behind dad getting custody during the custody battle)...second one we told her fine you can move to mom's after your off groundation (if that's even a word...lol)...third one she packed her stuff and is living at mom's now. Mom tried to get step s to move too but he said he is happy with the way things are...he likes visiting mom's once or twice a week but does not like the summer schedule of one week mom and one week dad's...he would rather stay here. Step s calls a few times a day on both of our cell phones...step d wont hardly even speak to dad let alone talk to me at all...she spent the weekend at grandmother's watching grandmother's mother (who is around 80 or so) while grandmother and grandfather were away on vacation. She gave her grandmother's computer a virus and spent the whole time do whatever she wanted with no adults to watch over her. I sent her and e-mail to say hi and let her know I miss her. I checked out her online aol profile and found her full name listed there...I told her father to tell her to take her last name off of it and he did in a very nice way...now she wont speak to him at ALL!

I am at my wits end here...she is 14 1/2 and she is being aloud to do whatever she wants over her mom's house. She is supposed to be spending the weekend over here and I just don't know what is going to happen...she WILL NOT run this house or be rude to adults or the other kids in the house (her bio brother included). My hubby is so upset but says if she cannot follow the rules she will have to go back to her mom's instead of spending the whole weekend...I am more worried about the week she spends here when he is in work and it's just me and the kids here. I will not have fighting between the kids on my hands...I will send her to her room if she acts up...just like I will to the other children in the house.

Her mother and grandmother are filling her head with a bunch of mess...like she doesn't have to listen to me and if she is unhappy to speak up (which she takes as...when your not happy yell at the adults around you...just cause you don't get your way). She has a time limit on the phone at this house (she would spend every minute of the day and night on it if she could...she has before)...she refuses to follow the time limit...and when you tell her to hang up she gets mad and acts out.

I just don't know what to do.... ;(

[Kitty C.]

I know that you think you've been tough on her thus far, but if she's going to be back under your roof for ANY amount of time, you WILL have to get even tougher.

First, NEVER give her the option of leaving.  When she comes to your house, that is per court order and CANNOT be changed under ANY circumstances.  She doesn't make the rules, you and your DH do, along with the CO that was agreed to in writing by her bio-parents.  Mom's rules don't apply to your house.

Second, before she is even allowed to get to the point of blowing up, remind her firmly that you may not be her mother, BUT she IS in YOUR house and as long as she is there, she WILL follow the rules....just like everyone else does.

Third, as for the phone, disconnect her if she's been reminded that her time is up.  It's that simple.  I'd do it to my own child in a heartbeat if that's what it took.

Then if she wants to throw a tantrum, clear a room for her, if at all possible.  Put a mattress on the floor and ONLY give her the basics, absolutely NO privileges.  Tell her that as soon as she starts acting like a responsible family member, she can earn her privileges back.

She will hate you even more.  She will even try to refuse to come.  But that's where you need to remind her again that it is NOT her choice.  Per CO she is required to spend time with her dad as the CO states.  Giving her choices of this magnitude is not appropriate for a child.

To tell you the truth, it sounds like she's going thru a major hormonal upheaval.  (And reminds me of why I only wanted boys, LOL!)  It will get worse before it gets better.  But you CANNOT allow her to dictate what happens under your roof.  Most importantly, both you and your DH MUST present a united front.  Make sure you have it worked out ahead of time exactly what the repercussions will be for specific behaviors and stick to it.  Your DH must stand behind you and demand that his DD give you the same respect she should give any adult.  This united front is VERY crucial, because teenagers have a unique knack of finding the chinks in the armor and weaseling their way thru the holes.  If they see any wavering on either you or your DH's part, they will exploit it if at all possible.  Am there, doing that........

[DMcD]

I totally agree with Kitty. You have to be tough. What you might want to watch for (I know because it happened to us) is allegations of abuse. There really isn't a whole lot you can do to prevent the allegations and more often than not, it will be a he said/she said situation and usually the child is believed over the parent, despite the child's behavior record.

One thing we were thinking of doing with my 14 yo ss was making him a ward of the state. That means you have her put on probation and allow the state to have legal custody of the child. Of course she will live with you but if some point she becomes completely uncontrollable, you can contact her probation officer and let them deal with her. She may have to spend some time in Juvenile Hall, but at least she won't be tearing up your house.

We gave up before it got to that point. If it had just been SS, we might have been able to get through it, but imaging having three kids with similar behaviors. Yikes! If BM wanted to take them, she was a stronger woman than I.

One thing you have to remember is that you didn't raise her and her behavior is not a reflection of your parenting skills. The only thing that you can do is grind in your heels and do what you know is right. If she does go back to live with her mother, just make darn sure that her visitation with your DH is NOT an option. Period.

If she won't let you teach her full time, the least she can let you do is teach her part time. Kids need boundaries and kids need to know that they are loved. If she doesn't have either, you will have a real big mess by the time she turns 18.

Good luck and remember that kids that age are naturally defiant. Some of that is normal. Don't let this affect your marriage. I was letting the stress and upset hurt my marriage and we'd been together over eight years. I don't know if I could have handled all that after just a few months in the relationship. Focus on your marriage as much as you can. I know you have a big household, but kids learn about relationships from their parents and modeling a good marriage is one way to try to keep your kids from making the errors made in your and your DH's prior marriages. Come back as often as you want. There are many people here that have been in similar situations. If we haven't, we at least know the impossible job of being a second (or third or fourth) wife and of being a step parent. Neither is easy and often not very rewarding. Other times, it hits you - you wouldn't want it any other way!

[Worried Mom]

I will take to heart your advice. Tonight is the first time she has come home in over a week...she didn't want to do that but I told her father to make her. I guess she asked him if she had to sleep over (guess she had better plans) and he told her YES it's not up to you it is in the contract between your mother and me. And she has such a nice room to come home to for the weekend...when she moved her stuff out to her mother's house she just left a bunch of paper (and I mean a bunch...looks like a whole tree is in there) all over the floor and she only left her old clothes that she doesn't like...hope she doesn't think we are going and buy all new clothes for her, cause we bought all the other one's that she took to her mother's and I will not do it again. We decided if she started to act up...we would send her to her room with instructions not to come out until she could act like a part of the family and treat us all with respect. I also spoke with my sister about my oldest son going and sleeping over there for the weekend if things got too much for him here...cause they fight like crazy and I wanted to give him a way out if he feels he needs it...he shouldn't be made to deal with her bull. Since she moved to her mother's house she has slept there only two nights...the rest of the time she has been at her grandmother's or her friend's house...which we never had let her sleep over there because her friend's brother is 16 almost 17 and they used to "date". Before she would go to her friend's house I would speak to the mother and make sure an adult would be there the whole time. The boy has been known to be active with other girls...god only knows what happen when she was over there for these past three days. :-(

Anyway...once again...thank you...

[Kitty C.]

Word of warning:  if/when you send her to her room, make DAMN sure that she has NO access to TV, phone, or computer.  NONE.  That's one of the problems we've run into with SS.  When he gets in trouble with PBFH, she sends him to his room, but he's got TV with cable, GameBoy, and all the rest of his toys.  It's a REWARD for him, not punishment.  He hates it when we do the same, because he gets NOTHING at our house!

Like I said, if she gets out of hand, clear her room of everything except the BARE essentials, bed, a few clothes....in other words ONLY what she 'needs' and NOTHING that she 'wants'.  Gives 'em a genuine opportunity to think about what they've been doing.