Custodial Father Seeks Advice

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[Mikey533]

My ex wife told me in June 09 that her and husband got a new job as a correctional officer in Ely, NV in smack middle of nowhere from Auburn, CA which is 8 hours away....... She moved away from our daughter 2 weeks later. She thought for some reason that it was OK to decide on her own to take our daughter with her so of course i said no she had just got signed up for preschool so I  wrote up  a parenting plan where I keep our daughter for an entire year for preschool. After the preschool year my ex wife wanted her for the kindergarten year.  When we made our original parenting plan I definitely wasn't prepared to make that decision so i told her that at the end of our daughters preschool year we would establish another parenting plan for the following year. I have four and a half months until she goes to her moms for summer vacation.....My ex wife thinks that I'm just going to give in and let her stay for the year which means that i will hardly see her. This is were it gets tough!! My ex has a son who is going to be 1 year in June 10 and she is pregnant again Due date is June 10 and our daughter is turning 5 in June 10 and she is going to her moms The beginning of June 10. I thinks for someone who has had only one child threw this whole year... then all in one month a 1 year old a newborn and a 5 year old is a really hard task for anyone. I do not want our daughter to be put on the back burner. I want her to stay for many reasons....but i also want her to see her mommy too and i don't want her to grow up thinking i took her from her mom but i shouldn't have to live without my daughter just because she decides to move.... Right?
       I'm really desperate for some advice!?!? Do i keep our daughter here in CA with me were her roots are..... where all of her friends are who she has slumber parties with. All her family is here. The school systems here are great. I have a wife that she has grown close to over the year and another daughter who is 4 months... Her and her sister have a special bond. I have in line ballet class and horseback riding lessons.....OR do i let her go to her moms for the year? I know with everything said that the obvious desicion should be stay here in CA. Keep in mind that it is her mommy and she is not a bad mom!

Here is a list of pros and cons!
Nevada pros: She gets to see her mommy and her siblings.
Nevada cons: to many kids to handle, mom has no transportation, not very good schools, to far for any social activities that a 4 year thrives on, no friends or family to visit

[ocean]

What does it say about custody? Is this all through a court now?

[txmom702]

Every other year custody is beyond disasterous for a child!  That shouldn't  have even beend discussed.
 
You dd has been with you all this time, she's enrolled in school where you are, she's settled and happy.  There is no reason to disrupt that.  You need to file for physical custody with a long-distance parenting plan.  Since mom moved away, she should also be responsible for any travel costs as well.  And you REALLY REALLY need to get this all done before dd goes to mom in the summer!  File now - courts can sometimes be fairly slow.

[Kitty C.]

I agree, every other year is NOT looked upon favorably by the courts........BT, DT.  And this was in Sacramento District court, not too far away from you.  DS's dad submitted a parenting plan that switched every year and not only was it not discussed, but the judge questioned Dad's committment to son's stability.

FILE NOW and file for primary, listing all the reasons you stated below.  Get statements from the pre-school, too.

[Akili]

Hi Mikey533:

Seems like you are getting good advice above.  However, I would not put too much emphasis on the child's mother not being able to handle her daughter because of other siblings.  You said she is a good mother.  (In other words - don't try to make yourself look good by making the mother look bad).

First, the courts might want to know why and how your daughter will be best kept at either home.  You will have to establish that your daughter is better off with you.  Therefore, you will want to focus on where she is - the stability issues, the opportunities etc. as you have expressed.  AND, be willing to work out an agreement that ensures that your daughter will have quality time with both of her parents.  A little girl should be close with her own mother - as well as her father!

Second, since the primary issue is the welfare of the child then one of the first issues the court might want to look at is why was custody given to you in the first place and have you fulfilled that mandate successfully. 

Third, Why did the mother leave her daughter with you, then move away and now she wants her?  What changed?

Fourth, please do not ignore the suggestion to get all of this in writing through the court, as ugly as it might be, the courts serve a purpose and right now you need to use them for the benefit of your daughter.  It can be done peacefully and without the child's direct involvement if wisdom prevails.

Fifth, that said, a little self-examination is always helpful and beneficial.  Make sure your motives are for the benefit of your daughter first.  It sounds like you are doing that already, but it never hurts to be sure.

Sixth, if you do let her go for a year, don't expect to get her back.  Her mother might be just as relcutant as you are to let her go!

Seventh, and this one should be first, pray and ask God what is best for everyone in this situation.

I certainly hope this will all work out for the best.  As long as you and your daughter's mother want what is best for your daughter and you are willing to communicate for her benefit then you have a good opportunity to work things out.

Akili Kumasi
Reconciled Fathers Network

[Mikey533]

We are not involved in the courts. We do a parenting plan together and go to get it notarized and signed by the judge... we don't even see a mediator but i have a feeling that if i decide to keep our daughter here then i will be seeing the courts. Thank you for any advice you can give!

[Mikey533]

I wanted to fill in the blanks with my first posting.  We are notinvolved in the courts. We do a parenting plan together and go to get itnotarized and signed by the judge... we don't even see a mediator but ihave a feeling that if i decide to keep our daughter here then i will beseeing the courts. I failed to mention that if i keep her in CA i wasnot planning on letting her go every other year custody. I'm thinkingif i keep her here in CA shes here to stay.  If she were to go to hermom's in NV i would want her to come back for first grade all threwelementary and so on.....i know it sounds crazy that's why i needadvice. I just don't feel that it is fair that i have to live withoutmy daughter because the ex moved so far!!! I'm keeping the bestinterested for  our daughter. I'm thinking that she needs both parents.Both families are great.... I'm sure my daughter would be happy ineither environment. but really? this sucks!!!! My daughter is my life.I would have never up and left for a year and in that whole year onlycalls once every 2 weeks.  i feel my daughter relies on me forstability if i let her go is that going to effect her??

  if shedoes go the her moms for only the one year I'm pretty sure that shewon't be coming back.  A child simply can not go back and fourth like isaid before my daughter needs stability!!!

Thank you everyone for the advice i would greatly appreciate more advice.

bythe way my ex told me once right before they bought their house thather husband can transfer to Carson City, NV which is only 2 hours awayinstead of 8. But keep in mind they bought a house doesn't look likethere going anywhere soon!

Sorry about the double posts!!! still learning this site.

[MixedBag]

I just came from a different court system where Dad tried using the fact that our son has a younger brother who terribly misses our son blah blah blah.....and I answered and said dad "FORGOT" to mention that DAD is estranged from older half-sister, and that this younger son is a half-brother.  AND that son has two older half sisters with me where he has a close relationship.
 
Judge at first admonished me for stating that they were all "halfs" -- they were all brothers and sisters and he wondered how our son landed in the middle of two other siblings, but didn't want to go there (seriously!).
 
THEN Judge said that our son's right to be with his mother is MORE important than any of his siblings.
 
Later I got a chance to explain that I felt a need to explain that the younger brother (who was hurt and missing our son) was not MY son and therefore I had no right to ask for custody of him in order to not separate siblings -- understanding that the court sometimes doesn't like to separate siblings.  The judge nodded in understanding...
 
So -- I'd be very careful in playing the "mom has too many young children" card because I don't think that aspect will look favorably on you.
 
I suggest you work on a "long distance" parenting plan

[bloom6372]

I think it's great that you want to make sure that the mom gets as much time as possible. However, for your daughter's stability, unless there is a reason that you feel she would be better off with the mom, I wouldn't consider sending the child to live with her primarily. You stated that your daughter has family, friends, and activities where you live. That shouldn't be disrupted. Her mother should have considered that before she moved so far away. With that said, I agree that you should work on a long-distance parenting plan. You should include that the mom is responsible for transportation costs and pick-up and drop-off, so that you aren't having to do it. I'd also make sure to include that the mom can have every spring break from school, a few weeks in summer (I believe 4-6 is the usual for NCPs, but I'm not sure on that), and either alternate winter breaks or split it in half (if you split it, you can exchange on Christmas day or Christmas eve). Also include that any time she is in your city, as long as she gives advance notice, that she can have visitations. That will show that you are encouraging the relationship if you offer as much time as possible. You could even offer for the mom to have extended weekends when the child has off of school additional days.