In need of advice for new father

[Faceless]

My wife and I were married in october just last year and almost immediately she started cheating on me. we seperated in january of this year and have been so ever since except for a two week period in march where we tried again and she then left me for one of her ex's. well in that two week time she became pregnate. 

I also found out that in febuary of the same year she had slept with two other men, one of whom was my best friend.  she is due in late december which leads me to believe the child is mine but paternity has yet to be established. she contacted me yesterday wanting to get together to write up some custody guidelines before the child is born in case it is mine. Ive never had a child before, im only 25 years old.

im still new to the divorce scene so the idea of custody arrangements is completely overwhelming, I am trying to get ahold of a legal aide office to try and get repersentation but money is very tight right now and I have not gotten a call back. the mother has flip-flopped thruout this whole pregnancy as to how involved she would let me be and Im still not sure I will even be informed when the child is born.

she waited an extra two weeks after finding out the sex of the baby to tell me. she has shown herself to be a manipulator when it comes to securing her own self interest and I dont know if i should even meet with her yet and if i do what I should do to ensure that if that baby girl is mine i will be allowed to be in her life like I am wanting to be. any advice in this would be most appreciated. if it helps I live in Oklahoma. Thank you.

[ocean]

Do NOT sign anything now with her until baby is born and you establish child is yours. As soon as child is born, go to the local family courts and ask for paternity to be established. (you can do this).
Is the divorce done and signed by judge?
If not, this probably will become part of the divorce.

You can talk to her about how the hospital will go and if she will allow you to see baby after, make a schedule. If the baby is yours, you go to court and ask for joint custody (so both of you make decisions for baby) and a parenting plan. She will not control when you have child once you get this signed and in place. Look on this site for parenting plans....get as much down on paper as possible days, times and where pick up and drop offs will be. Think ahead...when child gets to be a few weeks/months old you should be getting the child overnights. If your job permits, you can and should ask for 50/50 with you having child half the time. Have this all written out so you dont find yourself in court again. BUT first, paternity (do your homework and get some schedules that you would like so when child is born and IF child is yours you can immedialty ask for parenting time to start.

Take a baby class and infant cpr class. Once you find out child is yours...get baby things for your house too to show you are able to care for child. If she is breastfeeding, request she pump and give you bottles for your time. Any money you give her will be a gift so unless it is in your divorce do not give her any more money. Even if you save receipts for things you buy it will be considered a gift.
Good luck!

[Kitty C.]

Before you apply for paternity, demand DNA testing first.  If she has a history of cheating, make damn sure that baby is YOURS before you commit to it.  You may have to request this through the court as well, if she refuses to do it willingly.  Offer to pay for it, if that will make her comply without going to court.

[Faceless]

so what should i do about her wanting to meet up beforehand and set down some guidelines for visitation and such? should i do this or wait. she says nothing would be signed but im still not sure how this would all play out. and no the divorce is not done yet. the papers have not even been written up.

[Davy]

Faceless,
 
In my opinion, at this point in time, it is premature to be discussing "visitation" .... in reality she's probably more likely interested in "child support".
 
Wait a minute, on 2nd thought, I have a miserable history in trying to decipher what women want.  I didn't read Ocean and Kitty's posts but they are really good and my only thoughts are to relax and KNOW you are not alone in this situation that many have found themselves in virtually the same situation.  Read relevant articles in the article section on this site.
 
You may not realize it now but it could be worse so you may want to consider that you have been "saved".  You MUST establish paternity thru testing ... I think without it you will be assummmed to be the father (ie payor) since you were married at the of conception.

[Faceless]

just wanted to thank you all for your advice. this whole thing is so overwhelming and I dont know where to start. from the time I even thought of wanting to be a dad I always wanted a baby girl and now that she is pregnate with a girl im torn because i dont know how to be excited about it cause i dont know if shes mine or not. im calling legal aide tomorrow. again thank you all for your advice. knowing im not alone helps a lot. im so glad i found this forum.

[tigger]

Don't get hung up on the timing of the due date = you're probably the father.  I wouldn't be surprised if she were telling you a later due date than reality to make you think you're the father.  The two weeks y'all were together just HAPPENED to result in a pregnancy . . . when how many months of marriage didn't?  Hmmm.  Here's a possible scenario.  She cheats on you.  Y'all separate in January.  She finds out she's a little pregnant in late February, early March.  Y'all get back together for two weeks.  Y'all break up.  Low and behold, she tells you that she's pregnant and gives you a due date that's 40 weeks after y'all had gotten back together.   

When did she tell you that she was pregnant?  Specifically, how long after y'all broke up the second time did she tell you?

[Faceless]

she told me only a week after we seperated this last time. and I received the due date from the doctor so it should be somewhat accurate. im 95% sure the baby is mine but its that 5% is whats messing everything up.

[MomofTwo]

95% based on your assumption she didn't have sex with any other guy during those weeks. Since you know she has been with other men, please for your sake, don't assume anything. There are at least two other men you know of, not to mention ones you possibly don't know of. In reality, that 95% is probably much lower.  I know part of you wants to be very excited about this, but until DNA testing has been done and you are confirmed the father, you should be taking an analytical approach to this and not an emotional one (I know, harder to say than do), but for your own peace of mind, it is best not to emotionally attach yet.
 
You have gotten alot of great advice, the most important being, until the baby is born and you are confrmed the father through DNA testing, you don't agree to anything legally.  Once testing is done and you are confirmed the father, then you start to deal with the legal process of parenting time, etc... You can't do anything legally until the baby is born and the first step following that is getting testing done.  Do not sign any agreement regarding paternity, visitation, support, ...until then. you need to be highly skeptical of any attorney who is trying to get you to do this while she is pregnant or of her for trying to get you to do that.  That sends huge red flags up to me and it should to you as well.

[Giggles]

she told me only a week after we seperated this last time. and I received the due date from the doctor so it should be somewhat accurate. im 95% sure the baby is mine but its that 5% is whats messing everything up.

 
I hate to be a ummm "party pooper" but what makes you think she was "faithful" that 2 weeks you were together?  Apparently, her history in that department is not so good!
 
The others have given you OUTSTANDING advice.  But one thing that wasn't mentioned was the "emotional" drag this is going to put on you.  DO NOT and I repeat...DO NOT do anything out of "EMOTION"!
 
DO NOT Buy her anything for the baby until the test PROVES that you are the father.  Do not discuss visitation, child support, custody until the test PROVES that you are the father.  Reason being....others have been slapped with the title of "Emotional Father" and made to pay Child support....I kid you not!!!
 
Keep us posted!!

[Faceless]

i know you both are right. i have been trying my hardest not to invest too much emotions into this aside from the ones that I simply cant help. im calling the legal aide intake number later today. any advice as far as working with legal aide? what i should look out for and such? and thank you all again. the clarity that you all have brought is worth its weight in gold.  oh and I already made the mistake of giving her money to help with the pregnancy. i stopped doing this a few months ago but at first she laid a pretty good guilt trip on me about needing to prove I wanted to be involved and when I told her I simply did not have the money to spare she turned that into I did not care or want to be involved and even went as far as to say I was ashamed of her and the child. this woman really knows exactly how to get under my skin lol
 
*update*
I just got off the phone with my Ex. she flipped out on me for not being willing to sign anything visitation or custody related until paternity was established. She also said that "everyone" has told her she was owed spousal support and I should have given her more money during this pregnancy and that it was my "sole" responsibilite to set up and pay for the paternity test. she says she has a document thats labeled "not valid until positive paternity results are received" or something to that nature that she wanted me to sign that basically spelled out custody and visitation. again she flipped when i told her i would look it over but i would not sign it.

[NYParent]

I am concerned about the fact that she's so adamant about having you sign something about custody and visitation prior to the baby being born.

I am not sure about the math, and the other women can help in this department as they would have more experience than me, but if y'all were together for two weeks and she told you about the pregnancy a week later, it seems like it's a little too early to tell that she was pregnant.  I might be wrong, but her attitude is suspicious.

You don't owe her anything as far as spousal support until a judge says you do.

Like the others have said, DO NOT sign anything.  Establish paternity first.  Even if it turns out that you're the dad....don't feel guilty about not believing her or supporting her as you would have wanted to through the pregnancy.  Her actions lead to this.  If you are the dad, then establish custody and visitation through the courts. 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Giggles]

i know you both are right. i have been trying my hardest not to invest too much emotions into this aside from the ones that I simply cant help. im calling the legal aide intake number later today. any advice as far as working with legal aide? what i should look out for and such? and thank you all again. the clarity that you all have brought is worth its weight in gold.  oh and I already made the mistake of giving her money to help with the pregnancy. i stopped doing this a few months ago but at first she laid a pretty good guilt trip on me about needing to prove I wanted to be involved and when I told her I simply did not have the money to spare she turned that into I did not care or want to be involved and even went as far as to say I was ashamed of her and the child. this woman really knows exactly how to get under my skin lol

*update*
I just got off the phone with my Ex. she flipped out on me for not being willing to sign anything visitation or custody related until paternity was established. She also said that "everyone" has told her she was owed spousal support and I should have given her more money during this pregnancy and that it was my "sole" responsibilite to set up and pay for the paternity test. she says she has a document thats labeled "not valid until positive paternity results are received" or something to that nature that she wanted me to sign that basically spelled out custody and visitation. again she flipped when i told her i would look it over but i would not sign it.

 
Ahhh she's starting to show her true colors.  Even though SHE is completely in the Wrong...what a piece of sh.....  anyway.....
 
She and "everyone" are WRONG...you don't owe her DIDDLY because NOTHING has gone through court.
 
I am going to give you a VERY sound piece of advice....The relationship is OVER....finished....DONE!  She is going to try every move in the book to get you to feel sorry for her, for the baby and she is going to tug as hard as she can on those emotions.  YOU NEED TO STAND YOUR GROUND!!  This is now a BUSINESS relationship....PERIOD!!  You need to check your emotions at the door or your life could end up very miserable for the next 18 years...with or without the kid being yours!
 
Tell her that you will front the money for the paternity test, BUT if the child is not yours, you will demand a refund (get it writing)...she wants you to sign stuff...turn the tables on her.   You could tell her that IF the child is indeed yours that you will work with her to get a suitable custody order in place as well as child support if necessary (I say this because you're going to want to go for 50/50) but you will not sign anything before the child is born and POSITIVE paternity established.
 
As for "Legal Aid", most likely they probably wont help you because this is a "Civil" matter.  You could certainly ask....but be prepared to be told that.  If you are told that, then certainly come back here, there are a ton of resorces and helpful advice.
 
Good Luck!!!

[Giggles]

Ha....Case in Point...Waylon just posted this on the Divorce Board...
 
This COULD happen to you....
 
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/22/magazine/22Paternity-t.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1

[Kitty C.]

I know this is an emotionally charged issue and she will blow her stack if she doesn't get her way, but understand ONE thing:  NOTHING should be done without a court order.  Tell her it's for her protection, as well as yours.  If she still has a problem with it, tell her SHE can file in court to ask for what she wants.

Always remember this:  she can threaten all she wants, but until there is an actual order signed by a judge, everything she's spewing is just hot air.  She can try to make it sound 'official' but unless there is a signed order by the judge, it doesn't mean squat!

She's pregnant, so she's hormonal and she's also angry with you because you aren't capitulating to her...that's a volatile combination, so you will have to concentrate VERY hard not to get swept up in her web.  Think analytical at all times when dealing with her.

[Faceless]

Giggles your last post hit me harder then anything else so far. and your totally right. i think somewhere inside i was still emotionally tieing myself to someone who was my best friend of two years before she became my wife....but your 100% right. the relationship is over and im facing that now. the most important thing right now is that baby and thats what im focusing on.  i mailed her all the pictures i had of us and a few things she had given me that i held on to today. it was a lot easier then i thought it would be. Im still totally overwhelmed by this whole situation but you all have given me a lot of hope in this. id hug you all if i could lol. i'll keep you posted. oh and that article was intense to say the least. thank you

[Giggles]

I'm glad I was able to help some.  The thing to do is Hope for the best...but plan for the worst.
 
Like many of the folks who've given you some excellent advice...we've been around for a while.  I've been on this board for nearly 12 years...I have learned quite a bit!!
 
Read the articles, read the other postings and research as much as you can.  The more you know...the better off you'll be...and if that baby does turn out to be yours, then you'll have the necessary information so you can play a major role in her life!!
 
(((Hugs))) Back at you!!