Dilemma

[gemini3]

SD1 will be celebrating a birthday shortly.  We alternate weeks, and she will be at her mom's house on the day of her birthday.  I recently asked her what she was going to be doing for her birthday, and she said she didn't know because her mom hasn't said anything to her about it.  Normally, their mother doesn't throw them any kind of party.  She usually takes them to the store to pick out a present and then takes them to eat at the chinese buffet. 
 
I asked her if she wanted to have a party, to which she answered yes.  So I told her to check with her mom first, and we'd plan something for the following weekend.  She said to go ahead and plan it because her mom hadn't mentioned anything to her, and I had, so it was her mom's problem if she waited until the last minute.  So I bought some things at the party store and started working on invitations.  When I picked her up from school on Thurs I asked her how her day was, and she proceeded to tell me that she had invited a bunch of her friends to her birthday party.  I asked her what day and time she told them to come, since we hadn't figured that out yet, and she said "No, to my mom's house."
 
So, basically, after we decided to have a party at our house, she spoke to her mom over the phone and her mom said she could have a sleep-over with as many friends as she wanted, so she invited all of her friends to her mom's.  I was upset because I know her friends parents aren't going to bring them to two different parties on consecutive weekends.  (We've been through that whole thing before, and had parties where one kid showed up because their mom had a party the weekend before ours.  So we stopped having parties for them on the years they're with their mom on their birthday. and then their mom stopped having parties for them.)
 
I felt slighted that she made plans to have a party at our house and then, as soon as her mom says she wants to do something - even though she waited until two days in advance - I get dropped like a hot potatoe.  But, whatever, I kind of expect that kind of thing since I'm the step-mom, and no matter how good I am to them I always play second fiddle.  I know it, so I just sucked it up.

So, last night she has a meltdown at bedtime because none of her friends said whether or not the could come (because she invited them last minute, at school, no invitation, etc), and she was worried that no one was going to come to the sleepover at her mom's, and then she would end up having no party at all.  My husband, of course, now wants me to have a party for her next weekend.
 
I don't think I should because I feel like she's using me and playing the two houses.  So, I'm just wondering if anyone else has a take on it.  Am I being too hard one her?  Or should I stick to my guns and let her learn that she can't play people that way?

[ocean]

If BM is doing the party since it is her week, then leave it alone and just have a family party. Maybe tell her "since it is your mom's week, she is doing it but you can have 1 friend over and we will have a family party/outing when you come back to us".

[tigger]

How old is she?  My response depends on the age.

[Kitty C.]

If she's 12-13 or older, I would have told her a few other things when she made the comment of ' none of her friends said whether or not the could come (because she invited them last minute, at school, no invitation, etc), and she was worried that no one was going to come to the sleepover at her mom's, and then she would end up having no party at all.'
 
I would have told her that last minute invitations are often missed or ignored because the invitee has already made other plans.  She needs to understand that if an event needs to be planned, then the invitees need to be able to plan to attend.  Maybe the parents won't let them attend because it is last minute, who knows.  But I would venture to say that it was the last minute situation that is causing the problem for her.
 
If she understand that, then I would go on to tell her that she AND you had been in the process of planning a party that would have given the invitees plenty of time to plan their own schedules.  But since she decided that wasn't as important, she essentially forfeited it.  The party may be about her, but the planning is ALL about the invitees and if they can or cannot come, not where or when she wants it.  Maybe this would be a lesson for her to think of others before herself.
 
Also, it has always been my philosophy that children need to learn the concept of disappointment, especially in the home.  If they don't, they are in for a LOT of trouble dealing with it in the adult world..........as we ALL know disappointment can be a daily occurance in the big world.
 
Then again, this is all JMO...........

[tigger]

Yep, what she said.  If she's younger, it's a bit trickier and I might would postpone the party a few weeks but still let her have one, hopefully having learned the lesson.  However if she's old enough to know that things need to be planned, I don't think there's anything wrong with letting her know that she blew it.

[gemini3]

She's turning 14.  We did talk to her about last minute invitations, etc.  She, of course, thinks it's all my fault because "Dad always sides with you".  So she left my husband and I a lovely note when she went to her mom's, which detailed how much she hates coming to our house because (she thinks) I hate her, and so she would "rather die than come over here".  I don't know if she thinks that talking to people that way will get her what she wants or what, but I am definitely not throwing her a party after that.

I think what it comes down to is that she really wants her mom to do stuff like that for her.  So when her mom suggested she invite her friends over she dropped us like a hot potatoe, because we're always there for her, and we always take care of things for them.  Then when she realized her mom wasn't going to come through (again) she wanted to go back to the original plan at our house, and expected us to jump through hoops to make it all happen last minute.  When we said no, she blew up and blamed everything on us, because that's easier than dealing with her mom.   
 
I feel bad because it's Sat now, and she is at her mom's house celebrating her birthday with her mom, sister, and her best friends Dad who her mom is having an affair with - and none of her friends came.  I knew that none of her friends would be having a sleep over there, since I think they all want to keep their kids as far away from that mess as they possibly can.  But SD1 seems to think that what they're doing is ok, and that if she just pretends nothing is going on, everyone else will too.  I knew better than to mention to her that maybe a sleepover wasn't such a good idea, considering the situation, because if I say anything about it she gets really upset with me.
 
Hopefully she's learning something from all this.

[Kitty C.]

If she does learn from this, Gemini, it might come from a place you would least expect it.  Her invited friends.  If only one of them is brave enough to tell her why she wouldn't come, it might be the eye opener your SD needs to finally understand what's going on.
 
You can only hope.........