MySpace 9 as 19

[Stats]

Stats

[Mom1Step2]

Backgroun:
 
My husband has two daughters 12 & 9.  The live with us during the school months, and their mom during the summer.  Each has alternating weekends during the other's time.
 
We have been having a doozy of a summer this year.  The mother lost her job (she lives with her Mom).  She has lots of spare time on her hands now to make everyone misserable.  She is working overtime on the kids.
 
She constantly tells them she misses them soooo much and just dies when they are away.  They need to live with her because she can take care of them so much beter... etc etc.  She also encourgages bad behavior with us, and "older" behavior in general.  She has been through about 30 "serious" (not kidding) partners in the last 5 years and beleives that every woman needs a man to take care of her.
 
Question:
My husband just found out that both girls have MySpace pages.  The 12 yo is signed up as a 13 yo.  Which isnt that big of a deal (kind of upsetting to us, but ok).  The 9yo is signed up as a 19yo.  This is very troubling to us.  Husband called ex (Mom) and asked that all of this be taken down that it was unexceptable.  She refused saying it was fine, she was watching them.  I realize we can probably write to the site letting them know the children are underage.  But there is nothing to stop her from opening new pages for them (we assume).
 
Any suggestions on what we should do here, or should we just accept and move on?

[Kitty C.]

Contact MySpace immediately and tell them exactly what is going on.  With all the hoopla regarding Craigslist, I don't think MSpace, Facebook, or any other social network wants any bad publicity right now.  There is absolutely NO justifiable reason why a 9 y.o. should be protraying themselves as a 19 y.o., regardless of how much it is being monitored.  When Dad does contact them, he should ask them to monitor this situation (as he will be, also) and to notify Dad if they observe any other prohibitive behavior regarding his child.  If they forward any information, especially regarding how a minor protrays themself on their site and what is and isn't prohibited, forward it immediately to the BM.  No, there isn't anything stopping the BM from doing it again, but they (and/or Dad) will hopefully be on the lookout and can stop anything before it goes too far south.  Hopefully it will be enough that BM has been exposed and that she's being watched.

[Mom1Step2]

Thanks so much for your reply.  This is what I told my husband to do at first.  He felt unsure about it all, but I think your message will help.
 
 

[Davy]

Maybe I'm confused or missed something. 
 
Why shouldn't Dad just explain to these young girls WHY they should not be on this site and under no uncertain terms are they ever to be on that site again no matter where they live or whoever says they can.  Tell mom the same.  We have to be responsible parents for the kid's sake. 
 

[ocean]

Because they are at mom's house and she is allowing them to go on the site...

[Rave]

Wonder if Myspace could avoid repeats by tracking and blocking her ISP.  What a dumb cow to allow her kids on there.

[Davy]

I understand they live at mom's house.   

As parents I truly believe we should explain and take a stand between respectable behavior and poor judgement/bad behavior no matter where they live.   

Our parenting responsibilities do not end at the court house steps.

For example, I did not get to see my kids for 2.5 years due to denial of visitation.  MY oldest son (14) had become a hard-nosed juvenile delinquent.  His blond hair was waist lenght with 2 ear rings in one ear and one ear ring in the other.  Fighting, drugs, num chucks etc . Total bad ass.  He was going to go back to his mother's house. (she liked the way he was)

As we sat in the resturant with his brother and sister I looked accross the table and told him he knew the ear rings and hair had to go.  Of course, I got the typical teenage lipsmack but explained he had to at very least be clean and the hair had to be short enough to be manageable that he was way to good looking not to.   

It was a somewhat special moment when my daughter said "Dad hasn't changed a bit".  When I looked at her she had happy tears streaming and she smiled at me.  Really though, it was her way of telling me that mom had changed and she was very glad Dad hadn't changed.

The next time I saw my son his hair was clean, shoulder length and well groomed.  Of course I congratulated him.  Each and every time after that his hair kept getting shorter and shorter and when he started living with me it went back to a normal cut.

Later at that gathering, my daughter said "will the NCP please pass the salt" and all 3 kids started laughing,  I just smiled and advised them that mom was still mom and dad was still dad no matter what some idiot said at the court house.  All 3 nodded in the affirmative and they were reassured about their drastically changed lifes and their foundations were reset into building instead of destroying.   

Children want and need love, care, and structure no matter what their age.  Come to think of it, I'm a much older child now and I want and need the same things.

SO what are you doing Saturday night ?

[ocean]

In this situation dad has custody and they are at mom's for summer. You can have the kids delete the account when they come back but the other parent in allowing this behavior. Myspace, Facebook are social networking sites and not for 9 years old who is pretending to be 19. Of course the parents should work together but these two (and many others) do not see eye to eye of stuff like this. Summer just begun and this is a dangerous situation. What if this child wants to meet someone from there?

He should first contact mom and see what her reaction is. Maybe the 9 year old did this on their own? Maybe mom was right there. Get the facts and either have mom take it down or write to myspace and they will do it. If it pops up again, write my space again. Then when child comes home they can talk about it but when you have one parent saying "hey. lets make you an account, it will be fun" that is hard on a child to pick between two parents.

[Rave]

As parents I truly believe we should explain and take a stand between respectable behavior and poor judgement/bad behavior no matter where they live.   

Just a guess here, but I would assume the father has already had the talk with the kids about not being on myspace.

Since the mother not only allows the kids to be on myspace, but would likely create new accounts of myspace got rid of her children's accounts, she's encouraging bad behavior.

That is very difficult to work around.  Insinuating that the stepmother and father are lacking proper parenting skills is a assumption in the negative direction.

[Mom1Step2]

He did contact Mom.  She said she thought it was fine and that she was going to continue to allow it.  She set the accounts up herself.  They have apparently had the accounts for some time (she has everyother weekend during the school year) and we had no idea until something was accidentally said to Dad's mother.

A major argument came when Dad questioned Mom on this matter.  Basicly she said she is Mom and she can do what she sees fit and she belives it is totally safe.  She is more like friends with the kids so I think this is just one more way for her to "play" with them.  "Look what I let you do and we can do together, see how fun I am and what a great Mom I am?"

These things are always a battle with us.  The things she allows them to do versus what we allow.  (Staying up all night, watching R rated movies, and much more.)   

How do you deal with these issues when someone is always right and wont listen?  Do you go to court over something like this?  It doesnt seem like that would go anywhere if we did.   

We could try and have them delete the accounts, but they have been instructed by her not to even sign on at our house.  If you were a kid, how would you choose which parent to listen to?  You can be the stronger, "better" parent, but if the kids are going to catch hell when they go back, what can be done?

And of course as all of this is going on she is preasuring them to tell Dad they want to move in with her full time.  "See how mean and unreasonable he is?"

Any suggestions or comments are welcome, but please remember, things arent always as simple as black and white.  I am sure most of us on this board are doing the best we can with the situations we are in.

[Mom1Step2]

As parents I truly believe we should explain and take a stand between respectable behavior and poor judgement/bad behavior no matter where they live.   

Just a guess here, but I would assume the father has already had the talk with the kids about not being on myspace.

Since the mother not only allows the kids to be on myspace, but would likely create new accounts of myspace got rid of her children's accounts, she's encouraging bad behavior.

That is very difficult to work around.  Insinuating that the stepmother and father are lacking proper parenting skills is a assumption in the negative direction.

 
Thanks Rave.

[Rave]

I don't know exactly how I'd approach this if I were you and your DH, but my goal would be to make BM uncomfortable with the situation that she choose to comply with my restrictions rather than to continue putting the children at risk.  Might take some considerable thought to come up with a plan, but that would be what I'd be spending my time on.

Assuming I'd start with documenting and also have my attorney fire off a letter to her hoping to scare her into compliance.

Since she has no job right now, she'd be in a pickle if challenged financially.

[ocean]

Can you see the my space account? HOw many friends does she have? If this is ONLY being used to talk to mom then okay and it needs to be monitored. BUT they are not using it at your house so who are the messaging from HER house?

Contact my space..have them delete it and explain why you did it to the kids after they get home. I like the idea of sending her a certified letter (or if you want to pay a lawyer to do it) stating you are deleting the account as she is 9 years old and not 19 and this is a not a site for young kids.

[Kitty C.]

I don't know what MySpace's rules are regarding this, but if they do have something on the books, it would be even better if the notification to the BM came from MySpace directly.  BM will still know that Dad 'snitched' on her to MySpace, but it won't change the fact that the powers-that-be are watching.  In other words, you're getting 3rd party objective involvement, an entity that has no stake in what's going on in the dynamics of the family AND might be called upon to verify what transpired if the need arose.  If BM were smart (and most of them that act this way usually aren't), she'd realize she's being watched and this could come back to bite her hard.

[Mom1Step2]

We always document everything we can.
 
As for being financially chalanged, she has no job but gets unemployment.  She lives with her mother, and drives a boyfriends truck.  She seems pretty set to me, and if she wanted to fight, and they thought she had a good enough case (they are all as nuts as her), her mom would help pay.
 
We did see one page that was only partially private.  9 year old had maybe 5 friends (this is blocked now).  The 12 year old's page was completely blocked so we dont know.  They both have pictures up of themselves and have the Mother's City listed as their location. 
 
The whole thing came up because DH's mom heard the 9 year old talking about someone from My Space wanting to date her (luckly it turned out to be a kid as well, but ugh!)
 
Thanks everyone for your input!