Venting....about step-children

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[ksmarks]

Venting....about step-children, I know that my post topic is ugly, it is ugly to me as well, and I am ashamed of myself that this is still such a thorn in my side after all of these years.
 
My husband & I married 11 years ago, I have 3 children, he has 2, both of us were non-custodial parents, however, I had a 50/50 spilt with my ex- with condictions; each had to stay in local school distict, each had to suppot the children  while in they were in our care, and we spilt costs of the extras; sports, band, etc.,  as long as we did that, no money changed hands.    My children were also told by their father that not visiting with me was not an option.
 
My husband's ex did not see the value of co-parenting, and as such her children were her custodial property, and treated as such, and their father was the money train. 
 
Not visiting with dad was an option .
 
Our kids are 20, 21, soon to be 22, 23, & 27, and the youngest  has been out of our house for the two years, (all of the kids are in college- save oldest who has graduated)...
 
Husband & I have always gotten along well: when no kids are involved, yet throw the kids in the mix and there is likely to be trouble.  Life for us this last year has been great!  We sold our 5 bedroom house downsized and really are very happy...until.. kids....
 
He has an issue with my kids when they are home, very spoiled, yet capable and responsible (so says mom), I just have an issue with his for never being around, until they need something.
 
Husband and I have have differant expectations where kids are concerned, saving grace here is that we never had any together...LOL... instead we share a Yorkie...
 
Okay back to the vent....husband's daughter called tonight, she wants to get a room off campus next year....basically it will be a "Dad will you co-sign the lease..." and all that goes with it. Son did the same thing.. ( dad paid for him to for three years at a two year college.. still no degree so no he goes to a golf school down south.... another two year program, but, this is really what he wants to do...he is now over 21)
 
The child that called tonight is the same Daughter that told her father less than a month ago that her college costs were not her RESPONSIBILTY, she really did put it in capitals letters too... She is also the same kid that sent him an hate filled e-mail last fall telling him that her mother's ex-husband was more of a father to her than her own father was (they were married for less than 5 years)
 
So I say to charming husband... "well what will you do after she turns 21 in April?"  (This is the same man that has been telling everyone that will listen that he will be getting out of prison when darling daughter turns 21....)
 
He turns and says to me "I can rememner when your kids did not want to be part of a family!" 
 
Okay my oldest son did not want to come to our house when he was about 16, however, both dad & I informed him that was not an option in his life and he soon got over it.
 
My husband & I no longer share financial accounts over the stress and stife that goes with a "blended family."
 
So, I really do not care what he does for his children, as I do what I feel I need to for mine. 
 
The issue for me is when is it okay to support his right to stand up for his own rights and when do I just shut -up and say nothing?
 
Thanks for letting me vent!
 
 
 
 

[MixedBag]

Okay my oldest son did not want to come to our house when he was about 16, however, both dad & I informed him that was not an option in his life and he soon got over it.

Boy did THAT comment hit home.....only I have a dad who supports this notion totally.
 
Like I said in the other thread, go get Stepmonster -- another one of those I wish I had read a few years ago.

[MomofTwo]

I know how incredibly frustrating what you are experiencing is, but the truth of the matter is, you can't inflict your beliefs on him.  He is an adult and as such, is capable of making his own determination and setting the tone with his children.  It will only cause conflict and problems if you insist your thought process is the right one.

[ksmarks]

Thanks both of you, it did help a lot just to vent, and I will get a copy of stepmonster.

[april]

Venting is good! I feel your pain! I have two step daughters...23 and 19...both still in college.The oldest just graduated a four yr college term and is still in need of a masters.so another yr and another apt in another state...guess who pays? I would not have such a problem with dad being the money train if they tried to have a better relationship with him.I feel he's being used.He says...its his obligation to his girls. Needless to say.I don't think they like me...they don't come around unless they want something.They say they want a relationship with the both of us...so they show up more often but seems to me...its only to get what they need from dad.We've only been married for a yr and a half..I know its easy to think,oh its early yet..they will come around. It's not that early..they have both said they don't want or need a stepmother!There were issues with them from the start..I'm wondering when do I give up....it's hard for me to not deal with them because he wants them over.I put up with the rude behaviors and attitudes because I do want it to work and because I love my husband.Every time the kids are involved...we fight.We're seeking outside prof help,we have to,its that bad.How do I deal with these ill feelings towards the girls? It's driving me crazy(if I had nerve pills!!!!) and it's causing prob for me and my husband.It's hard for me feel guilty(for my feelings) when my husband is agreeing with me and telling me I have every right to feel the way I do the girls are rude to you and they don't appear to be trying to better the relationship(although,when they are confronted about it,they say they are trying..we like her).Thanx for letting me vent...any advice out there?

[ksmarks]

April, I so feel your pain!  My husband and I have been together 12 years, so I can't really tell you it gets any better, although in some ways it has.
 
I do not do a lot with my step daughter, however, encourage her father to get together with her as often as he wants.  He took her out yesterday for lunch, I stayed home.
 
If she comes to our house and I feel like the mood is all wrong I either go in the office, or leave the house, she doesn't really come around though so not really a problem.
 
I followed the advice givem me, I ordered "Step-Monster," and bought "Divorce Poison" as well as a couple other books today.
 
It also helps me to vent here rather than say something to friends and family.
 
At their age I am not certain there is muct you can do except demand respect, as you are treating them each with respect, (I am certain...)  My Husband & I went to counseling as the only time we ever faught was over kids....Still seems like the only thing we fight about.
 
Keep venting and remember that you married him, not his kids, they won't be living with you forever, and with age they too will mellow.
 
 
 
 

[Rave]

We always have choices.  Your DH has choices, as you have choices.  If his relationship with is kids is draining you, tell him you'd rather not hear about them.  Honestly, focus on what you have right in your marriage and step away from the drama with his kids.  Go to counseling if you think it will help too.  But the more you push him, the more he will resist.  Good thing that your finances are split.  That's one less thing for you to argue about.