Joke Thread...

[Stats]

Stats

[Waylon]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther,I"d like to ride in that helicopter.."

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I"m 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don"t say a word I won"t charge you a penny! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!"

[Kitty C.]

  Just in time for the fair season............I'm gonna have to keep this one in mind, LOL!

[*iLUVmySD*]

LOL, I'm gonna pass this around the office.

[brwneyedmom]

A  priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
 
The bartender takes a good long look at them and asks, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

[4honor]

A father of young children is preparing the car for a long drive with the children. He begins thinking about the incessant questions from the back seat as he is driving and decides to nip it in the bud before they take off. He sits his three kids in the back seat and starts explaining,"we are going to grandma's house. It is going to take 13 hours and we won't get there until after dark. I Don't want to hear 20 minutes into the drive "are we there yet?" OK?" They all shake their heads and offer up a token "yes Daddy".
 
The man finishes packing the car, gets int he wife and kids and gets 20 minutes away from home when a small voice from teh back seat pipes up and asks, " is it dark yet?"

[Waylon]

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last desperate effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face, goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.

She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he's done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math!

She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns, the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?

Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[4honor]

A little old couple is watching TV one afternoon when a commercial for viagra comes on. The little old man pops up, runs to the coat closet and starts putting on his coat. His wife hollers at him, Harold? what's wrong, where you going?"
 
Harold says, with a twinkle in his eye, " Well, Maude, I'm gonna go get myself some of that there Viagry."
 
Suddenly Maude pops up, runs to the coat closet and starts putting on her coat. Harold is confused and asks, "Where you going?"
 
His little old wife says, "Well if you are gonna use that rusty old thing I'm gonna get me a tetanus shot."
 
_______________________________
 
My mother in law told me that one.

[brwneyedmom]

Along the lines of 4honor's joke-


 

 
God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth.
"Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."
"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.
God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"
"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."
"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her.

A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"
"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."
"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam.
God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

[Waylon]

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

Thelawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and all I ownedwas destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everythingand I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip."

"That'squite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house andall my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance companyalso paid for everything."

The lawyer looked confused... "How do you start a flood?"