Sometimes you just need to vent...

[gemini3]

Birthday's are always big problems for us.  It's always a competition for the ex.  She plans birthday parties for the day before we are going to have one (she'll do this 2 weeks before the actual birthday if she has too - just so she is first), plans the same activity, plans a party during my husband's visitation, intercept invitations if possible - the list goes on.
 
Of course, this year is the same.  Kids just got here, all excited because they are going to be having a BIG GIANT DINNER early (right before she drops them off for the cook-out we had planned), and before that they're going to do the EXACT SAME activity we have planned for the party.  No other kids, just them, but they'll be exhausted and stuffed to the gills before our party.
 
Sometimes it's SO hard not to hate her.  It is SO hard to be excited along with the kids when you know the whole charade is to spite your husband - who would never do something like that.

[Davy]

... and the kiddos probably know 'what's happenin" in their hearts and mind.  Just be happy in their presence, smile, hold em and love em.  That's what children want and need.
 
When they get older you are likely to miss those times but you'll have some mighty fine memories.
 
Take lots of pictures !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[ocean]

Stop telling her and the kids your plans... When they come they will be surprised. You do not owe her anything or have to tell her what your plans are especially when she acts that way.

[Lovestoread]

I was going to suggest the same as Ocean.   Don't tell anyone what you have planned and it'll probably drive her nuts.   And if the kids ask, just tell them you haven't decided yet, that's all.
 
You'll let them know when you do. Because she'll probably hound them till she gets information. My son deals with this too. It's a pain in the butt. What he buys, she buys. What he does she does.
 
Last year, for their sons birthday she TOLD him, didn't ask him, TOLD him that she was making the plans and that he would be paying for half. His family was invited if they wanted to come but that her entire family would be there and all her friends. Much more than his side. She was going to have quite the spread and she had no money. NONE...So she was expecting him not to foot the entire bill.
 
He told her NO WAY. She got so mad.
 
He told her straight up, why should I come to a party where I'm not wanted first of all, and where I'm going to be paying over 500 dollars and where I"m going to be ignored and where I probably won't get any of the food? What the heck? He told her no forget it.
 
How it works with these two is he gets every weekend visitation. She is a stickler with her days and will not let him have ANY extra time of her time at all what so ever!!! none. She used to. But that has stopped. They had an argument because he wanted to do 50/50 and she flipped out.
 
So now she won't allow him any extra time. Now he's got the weekends, and this summer when the birthday rolls around he's not going to allow her time to celebrate on the weekend, she wants to do it, she can do it in the evening, or she can do it during the week. That's her time. She wanted to be a hard nose, so this is how it goes. Right or wrong. This is what you get.
 
 

[jessica78]

i agree- dont tell the mother.  we have had to do that too- not tell the kids until the day or so of something that is going on...weather it be as simple as taking them to a certain movie or whatever...then she'd take them to the same movie before we could.  its irritating. 

[gemini3]

I guess the only thing to do is to not tell them - but that also means that they get no part of planning their party.  They don't get to pick what kind of party they want, what kind of cake they want - none of that - because their spiteful mother will ruin it.
 
She does the same thing on mid-week visitation.  We have them for a few hours for dinner mid-week, and she'll give them a big giant snack on the way to our house.  Pizza rolls, a bag full of jelly beans, a pint of Ben and Jerry's each, etc.  Do you think they want to eat dinner when they get to our house?  Nope.  Then after several weeks of this we'll stop making dinner for them, and then she'll stop giving them the snack.  It's just a big ridiculous bunch of nonsense.  Using the kids as pawns to make our lives difficult.

[Kitty C.]

Just had a thought, Gemini........

I wouldn't change a thing with your mid-week dinner, as far as whether to have it or not.  Keep you plans, but if the kids come and say that they're full from the junk she's already fed them, tell them that's too bad, but you're still having dinner and you expect them to sit at the table with you, whether they eat or not.  They probably won't but it won't be real fun to just sit there while everyone else is eating and they'd prefer to be doing something else.  (Especially when it's something they like!)  It's too bad that BM puts them in this position, but it may eventually be the kids who change the situation.  If they want to eat at your house instead, they will tell her they DON'T want to eat anything before they leave hers.