disciplin and step kids

[jessica78]

So my husband (of almost 7 yrs) has had custody of his twins (12) for 8-ish years now.  They have known me and my daughter( almost 12 also) since they were all about 3yrs old.  I am having a VERY hard time with respect from my 12 yr old step son.  they visit their mom everyother weekend.  he doesnt seem to want to do anything i ask of him.  He actually told me that doing dishes is what the girls are to do.  He doesnt want to help with any chores- even tho both girls help even when they dont want to.  I have taken away all his privliages from him, and told him he earns them back as he does what hes told and can respect the adults in this house.  but he doesnt seem to care at all... their dad works 10 hour days 5 days a week- and isnt much help. i can NOT and will NOT ignore the situation...

PLEASE help me!

[Kitty C.]

Unfortunately, this situation will not change unless the father gets involved, and in a big way.  In a blended family, the biological parent should be the one laying down the rules (previously agreed upon by both parents) and the one to enforce.  In this case, the father needs to put his foot down and remind the child that you both are in agreement on discipline and assignment of chores.
 
Even if the father steps up to the plate on this, I can guarantee you that it will get worse before it gets better, because the child will push back just to see how far he can go.  When he hits that 'wall' of unity that you and the father put up and realizes that he can't go any further, he will start to come around.
 
But if the father fails to step up to this, either things will stay the same or continue to get worse.  An alternative in this case would be family counseling, primarily to get everyone on the same page and working together.  But since he is not your biological child, you cannot be the primary disciplinarian or the child will resent you for a long time, if he doesn't already.  He may feel that you're trying to take the place of his mother....not that you are, but that is how he may perceive it.

[Davy]

In a VERY practical sense... and I started way back in life over many many years.
 
 I have determined that twelve year old boys DO NOT WASH DISHES.
 
Not me, not my sons, not my friends and none of their friends.  In essence, NOBODY.   
 
I think it is wrong to use language with an assumption that Dad should agree with step mom ram-rodding the entire household and family.   

[Kitty C.]

Davy, I said nothing about 'ram-rodding'..........what I said was that bio dad and step-mom have to be in agreement in discipline and assignments, but the biological parent has to be the primary disciplinarian, or the whole structure of the family could be eroded.

I witnessed this in my own family, between DS and DH.  Until DH learned that he had to take a step back and we show a united front, there were a lot of problems between the two.  There is still a distance between them, for the simple fact that DS wasn't able to establish much respect for DH, since DS felt that DH was trying to 'take over' as his father.  Nothing could be further from the truth, but it doesn't change the fact that it was the way DS saw it through his eyes as a child.

As for chores, to each his own.  Some families require one and all to chip in, regardless of the chore.  DH learned early as a kid to do many domestic duties.....he had seasonal allergies and since he couldn't help in the fields, his dad said he had to help in the house.  (He has more domestic skills than I do!)  And we've taught our boys that no one is immune....as I'm fond of telling them 'Who's going to do it when you're on your own?'  Apparently in this particular family, they operate the same way.  If that's how they want to teach and bring up their children, that's their perogative.

[tigger]

In a VERY practical sense... and I started way back in life over many many years.

I have determined that twelve year old boys DO NOT WASH DISHES.

Not me, not my sons, not my friends and none of their friends.  In essence, NOBODY.   

My brother washed dishes and I dried until he was 15 and I was 12 and we got a dishwasher.  Then we alternated between one of emptying and the other filling.  Until he got a job and it was left up to me.  Oddly, our younger siblings weren't required to do such things.

[Davy]

[HIGHLIGHT=#ffffff]FROM Jessica :
[/HIGHLIGHT]

I am having a VERY hard time with respect from my 12 yr old step son.  they visit their mom everyother weekend.  he doesnt seem to want to do anything i ask of him.  He actually told me that doing dishes is what the girls are to do.  He doesnt want to help with any chores- even tho both girls help even when they dont want to.  I have taken away all his privliages from him, and told him he earns them back as he does what hes told and can respect the adults in this house.  but he doesnt seem to care at all... their dad works 10 hour days 5 days a week- and isnt much help. i can NOT and will NOT ignore the situation...

PLEASE help me!

Read the post and weep !

EOW this child feels his mother's love while his father's wife takes away all his privileges and tells him he has to 'respect' the adult (children) .. do what he's told...he doesn't care at all ...
but, come hell or high water, the situation can/will NOT be ignored ... please help ME

I'm trying to explain that twelve year old boys DO NOT WASH DISHES under duress (b.t.h...) with a false sense of discipline and an absence of love.  l betcha the boy LIKELY jumps in and does the dishes at his mother's house without asking.

I was domesticated growing up and both Dad and I spent time in the kitchen when we were not working.  My place at the dinner table was next to the refrigerator in case my sisters needed anything.  They were prima donna Loretta Young types ... flowing bath robes and all.  They spent most of their time in front of the mirror admiring themselves.  When I started to pack my .410 to go to college...mom said that's staying here.  I said it's a big city and when I looked at her I got that look ... don't you dare talk back to me look.. I carried the .410 back to my room.

It came to a point in life with a Drill Instructor who claimed he was our mother now.  Once he gained our respect ... believe me I would do almost anything but I still DID NOT DO DISHES and he loved us enough to train us to save our own ass  and our buddy'd ass.

Now that my best friend ever ihas been gone a long time I could go on about my mother's control freak husband..... puke ! 

My sons would jump in and do the dishes without asking when they lived with me and weren't working  while their sister that lived with her mother and mother's abusive husband would be saying "if you think I'm bad now ... just wait".   

I strongly suggest, and I sincerely hope BD is explaining the same, to get off the boy's back.

Discipline and respect is earned with love.  Not by demands. Maybe then the twelve year old boy wiill wash the dishes.....

ACTUALLY I would like to know why you won't stop looking at yourself in the mirrorr, get off your .... onto your feet and WASH THE DISHES yourself.
That's probably what the boy wants to know as well he just hasn't mature enough to say it.

[jessica78]

ALL of the kids in this household will do chores- the chores that either me or the father ask.  I think it's pretty sexist to say that boys don't need to do dishes...why don't they?  I could really careless what you wanted to bring with you to college.  That has nothing to do with the topic I wrote about.  AT ALL! 
Each child has chores to do- and they know that if they won't do them- then there will be a consequence.  he has NO problem doing dishes usually- he was just feeling irritated for whatever reason that day- and thought his other siblings didn't helo with dishes either... after me explaining to him that they did what they were told to do already- then he did them.  It wasn't about not doing dishes...it was about it being "fair" .  If ANY of my kids here don't help- then they don't get to use MY tvs or my gaming systems...and actually- they have NO chores at their moms place...except keeping their rooms clean.  What is that going to teach them as they get older?  that if they don't wnna do something they are told to do- then thats ok?  i dont think so.

[jessica78]

And as far as not doing the dishes my self...I do the laundry, cook all the meals, make snacks for all the kids, help with homework, clean the rest of this house without their help...and so on.  I think the kids CAN help with dishes- regaurdless of what sex they are.  If they can't do that then they can go get their meals elsewhere- and then there'll be less dishes to take care of.

[shaden3]

Jessica78, your posting has taken an unfortunate turn. I hope you know that there is much consideration and support for you out there. Whether or not the children in your home do dishes is up to you. If you believe it's an important chore, then you have made your decision. We are charged, as parents and stepparents, to instill responsibility to and respect for others. While there is a heirarchy in the home (role models are, by default, the top rung of the family ladder), there are ways to bring the kids in to work together to create guidelines that work for everyone. If there's no negotiating on WHETHER or not a child does chore, there can be some discussion on HOW these chores are done. For example, saying, "The dishes are a shared responsibility. Let's figure out who does them when. IF they're done isn't up for discussion, but I'm open to being flexible on WHEN." Getting the kids in on fine tuning the rules, asking for input when you can, brings them closer to being more compliant (because they feel more respected). I repeat, however, you don't need to "compromise" what's important to you, but collaborating is essential.

[jessica78]

Thank you for that idea having to do with chores.  That was the kind of advice i was looking for...not telling me that boys do NOT do dishes...
thanks again!