disciplin and step kids

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[jessica78]

So my husband (of almost 7 yrs) has had custody of his twins (12) for 8-ish years now.  They have known me and my daughter( almost 12 also) since they were all about 3yrs old.  I am having a VERY hard time with respect from my 12 yr old step son.  they visit their mom everyother weekend.  he doesnt seem to want to do anything i ask of him.  He actually told me that doing dishes is what the girls are to do.  He doesnt want to help with any chores- even tho both girls help even when they dont want to.  I have taken away all his privliages from him, and told him he earns them back as he does what hes told and can respect the adults in this house.  but he doesnt seem to care at all... their dad works 10 hour days 5 days a week- and isnt much help. i can NOT and will NOT ignore the situation...

PLEASE help me!

[Kitty C.]

Unfortunately, this situation will not change unless the father gets involved, and in a big way.  In a blended family, the biological parent should be the one laying down the rules (previously agreed upon by both parents) and the one to enforce.  In this case, the father needs to put his foot down and remind the child that you both are in agreement on discipline and assignment of chores.
 
Even if the father steps up to the plate on this, I can guarantee you that it will get worse before it gets better, because the child will push back just to see how far he can go.  When he hits that 'wall' of unity that you and the father put up and realizes that he can't go any further, he will start to come around.
 
But if the father fails to step up to this, either things will stay the same or continue to get worse.  An alternative in this case would be family counseling, primarily to get everyone on the same page and working together.  But since he is not your biological child, you cannot be the primary disciplinarian or the child will resent you for a long time, if he doesn't already.  He may feel that you're trying to take the place of his mother....not that you are, but that is how he may perceive it.

[Davy]

In a VERY practical sense... and I started way back in life over many many years.
 
 I have determined that twelve year old boys DO NOT WASH DISHES.
 
Not me, not my sons, not my friends and none of their friends.  In essence, NOBODY.   
 
I think it is wrong to use language with an assumption that Dad should agree with step mom ram-rodding the entire household and family.   

[Kitty C.]

Davy, I said nothing about 'ram-rodding'..........what I said was that bio dad and step-mom have to be in agreement in discipline and assignments, but the biological parent has to be the primary disciplinarian, or the whole structure of the family could be eroded.

I witnessed this in my own family, between DS and DH.  Until DH learned that he had to take a step back and we show a united front, there were a lot of problems between the two.  There is still a distance between them, for the simple fact that DS wasn't able to establish much respect for DH, since DS felt that DH was trying to 'take over' as his father.  Nothing could be further from the truth, but it doesn't change the fact that it was the way DS saw it through his eyes as a child.

As for chores, to each his own.  Some families require one and all to chip in, regardless of the chore.  DH learned early as a kid to do many domestic duties.....he had seasonal allergies and since he couldn't help in the fields, his dad said he had to help in the house.  (He has more domestic skills than I do!)  And we've taught our boys that no one is immune....as I'm fond of telling them 'Who's going to do it when you're on your own?'  Apparently in this particular family, they operate the same way.  If that's how they want to teach and bring up their children, that's their perogative.

[tigger]

In a VERY practical sense... and I started way back in life over many many years.

I have determined that twelve year old boys DO NOT WASH DISHES.

Not me, not my sons, not my friends and none of their friends.  In essence, NOBODY.   

My brother washed dishes and I dried until he was 15 and I was 12 and we got a dishwasher.  Then we alternated between one of emptying and the other filling.  Until he got a job and it was left up to me.  Oddly, our younger siblings weren't required to do such things.

[Davy]

FROM Jessica :


I am having a VERY hard time with respect from my 12 yr old step son.  they visit their mom everyother weekend.  he doesnt seem to want to do anything i ask of him.  He actually told me that doing dishes is what the girls are to do.  He doesnt want to help with any chores- even tho both girls help even when they dont want to.  I have taken away all his privliages from him, and told him he earns them back as he does what hes told and can respect the adults in this house.  but he doesnt seem to care at all... their dad works 10 hour days 5 days a week- and isnt much help. i can NOT and will NOT ignore the situation...

PLEASE help me!

Read the post and weep !

EOW this child feels his mother's love while his father's wife takes away all his privileges and tells him he has to 'respect' the adult (children) .. do what he's told...he doesn't care at all ...
but, come hell or high water, the situation can/will NOT be ignored ... please help ME

I'm trying to explain that twelve year old boys DO NOT WASH DISHES under duress (b.t.h...) with a false sense of discipline and an absence of love.  l betcha the boy LIKELY jumps in and does the dishes at his mother's house without asking.

I was domesticated growing up and both Dad and I spent time in the kitchen when we were not working.  My place at the dinner table was next to the refrigerator in case my sisters needed anything.  They were prima donna Loretta Young types ... flowing bath robes and all.  They spent most of their time in front of the mirror admiring themselves.  When I started to pack my .410 to go to college...mom said that's staying here.  I said it's a big city and when I looked at her I got that look ... don't you dare talk back to me look.. I carried the .410 back to my room.

It came to a point in life with a Drill Instructor who claimed he was our mother now.  Once he gained our respect ... believe me I would do almost anything but I still DID NOT DO DISHES and he loved us enough to train us to save our own ass  and our buddy'd ass.

Now that my best friend ever ihas been gone a long time I could go on about my mother's control freak husband..... puke ! 

My sons would jump in and do the dishes without asking when they lived with me and weren't working  while their sister that lived with her mother and mother's abusive husband would be saying "if you think I'm bad now ... just wait".   

I strongly suggest, and I sincerely hope BD is explaining the same, to get off the boy's back.

Discipline and respect is earned with love.  Not by demands. Maybe then the twelve year old boy wiill wash the dishes.....

ACTUALLY I would like to know why you won't stop looking at yourself in the mirrorr, get off your .... onto your feet and WASH THE DISHES yourself.
That's probably what the boy wants to know as well he just hasn't mature enough to say it.

[jessica78]

ALL of the kids in this household will do chores- the chores that either me or the father ask.  I think it's pretty sexist to say that boys don't need to do dishes...why don't they?  I could really careless what you wanted to bring with you to college.  That has nothing to do with the topic I wrote about.  AT ALL! 
Each child has chores to do- and they know that if they won't do them- then there will be a consequence.  he has NO problem doing dishes usually- he was just feeling irritated for whatever reason that day- and thought his other siblings didn't helo with dishes either... after me explaining to him that they did what they were told to do already- then he did them.  It wasn't about not doing dishes...it was about it being "fair" .  If ANY of my kids here don't help- then they don't get to use MY tvs or my gaming systems...and actually- they have NO chores at their moms place...except keeping their rooms clean.  What is that going to teach them as they get older?  that if they don't wnna do something they are told to do- then thats ok?  i dont think so.

[jessica78]

And as far as not doing the dishes my self...I do the laundry, cook all the meals, make snacks for all the kids, help with homework, clean the rest of this house without their help...and so on.  I think the kids CAN help with dishes- regaurdless of what sex they are.  If they can't do that then they can go get their meals elsewhere- and then there'll be less dishes to take care of.

[shaden3]

Jessica78, your posting has taken an unfortunate turn. I hope you know that there is much consideration and support for you out there. Whether or not the children in your home do dishes is up to you. If you believe it's an important chore, then you have made your decision. We are charged, as parents and stepparents, to instill responsibility to and respect for others. While there is a heirarchy in the home (role models are, by default, the top rung of the family ladder), there are ways to bring the kids in to work together to create guidelines that work for everyone. If there's no negotiating on WHETHER or not a child does chore, there can be some discussion on HOW these chores are done. For example, saying, "The dishes are a shared responsibility. Let's figure out who does them when. IF they're done isn't up for discussion, but I'm open to being flexible on WHEN." Getting the kids in on fine tuning the rules, asking for input when you can, brings them closer to being more compliant (because they feel more respected). I repeat, however, you don't need to "compromise" what's important to you, but collaborating is essential.

[jessica78]

Thank you for that idea having to do with chores.  That was the kind of advice i was looking for...not telling me that boys do NOT do dishes...
thanks again!

[ocean]

Why not have a family meeting when your husband is home and come up with a chart with chores and days and who does what. Have you husband do the talking for his kids and say that when he is not here that it is just understood that there is to be respect in your house. Underneath, come up with consequences if they badmouth or refuse to do the chore.( like no tv, comptuer, early bed that night) You can do it the positive way too...if they do them they get xyz that night.

[shaden3]

Ocean, great idea! Another thing that improves these matters is to take stepson aside and offer him a private conversation, always open door, always a good ear - without giving advice unless he asks. If you say, "I'm always here to listen to you when you have something on your mind. I won't tell you what I think unless you ask. If you have something you can't talk to me about, I will find someone for you. I won't judge you or share your secrets, unless there's a danger to you." This helps the kids know we're not the enemy, but a support system for all the difficulties they face. Another thing to do is to let them off the "blame hook" by telling them that we know they don't mean to make things difficult, but that's the result of their lack of cooperation. Tell him you can put your heads together to improve things, that the rules are for the betterment of the family as a whole and for the individuals, and that chores make us important, contributing members of a family.

[jessica78]

thanks for those last two posts about what i should do- and i will try both of those.  the thing is tho- at this point- my step son knows its a game.  and knows that when we go to dairy queen or go shopping- he thinks he will still the things the others get.  We've started saying no to those extra things for now.  We have told him when he does things without an arguement or being disrespectful- he will surely get the things too.  He of course gets mad and says it isnt fair that the girls get things but he doesnt....UNTIL he is reminded of his behavior earlier that day- then yea he understands.  he actually told me, he knows that he can be disrespectful to me and nothing will happen.  I get mad- and then feel bad for giving him his consquences so then i take it back and he laughs and did in fact tell me- its his game he likes to play...Great huh?  But we will definetly sit down and make a chore chart.  HE actually wrote out what conseqences should be for not following the rules(which he also wrote down).  so he knows...but like he says its a game to see how mad i can get at him...

[shaden3]

He may just be pushing you to see how far he can go before you stop loving him and/or abandon him. Just keep hugging him, letting him know there's nothing he can do to get you to go away. He isn't developmentally mature enough to have that good a grasp on why he's doing what he's doing in the home. It's usually a cry for positive reinforcement. So, to that end, taking things away (rather than earning rewards) tends to reinforce a kid's insecurities about what he's worth. Good to see you're doing that good work, where "when we're done with our chores we can go out for ice-cream," replaces, "we all get ice-cream except for you because you didn't do your chores." This may make him resent the goody two shoes in the family and act out more.

[Sherry1]

The problem I am seeing is that you are the one trying to enforce the rules.  The rules need to be enforced by dad, not by stepmom.  I have been doing the stepmom thing a long time and stepmoms need to take a back seat to the disciplining, chores, take away privilieges, etc.  Dad needs to be responsible for doing this.
 
This will not get better.  If you keep engaging and pushing he will engage and push back.