Help, me. I don't know what to do and don't have much time!!!

[chssdrm]

Look, I feel really weird, because a month ago I felt completely different, but here it goes. Nine months ago I got my teenage girlfriend pregnant. She was 17 and I was 18. The relationship ended about then after lasting 18 months. At first we talked about an abortion, because it was right before my High School graduation and I wanted to focus on my future. We agreed that we wouldn't tell anyone, but she started to tell people whenever she was upset. I didn't know what to do and so at the time it seemed like a good idea to tell her that I didn't want to see her and on my graduation day I wouldn't talk to her about it. That was the day that she told her parents and the day that they called and talked to my parents. Until a few hours ago I had not talked to her since. The situation was that she was on the pill and I found out later on that she had told some of her friends that she had 'dropped a pill down the toilet'. Now I don't know if this has any bearing on anything in court, but she loved children and always told me that she wanted children. At the time I was too blind to realize that she was capable of purposely getting pregnant. But either way at first I denied the fact that it could happen. It seemed like something out of a sad movie, but it definately was not my life. For a long time I was planning on just giving up my rights as a father and moving on with my life and leaving that part behind me. Especially, since that was what I was told her and her parents wanted. I also didn't think that it was a good idea to move the child back and forth between the two houses because the two families have completely different parenting techniques. But the more that time went on the more I too have something to do with the child's life. The problem is that I don't know if I can afford an attorney, being in college and everything, but I want to be there when the child is born and I want to part of the childs life without alot of animosity between me and the mother. I am already upset enough at the fact that she has already chosen a name for the child without consulting me.
   I just want to know that I truly have rights to this child if I want. I want to be involved in the childs life. Please help me. I can't sleep and I can't think about anything else. ( It is 3:27 am and I have a class at 8 and I can't sleep) I haven't worried about it until now, but I had this dream last night and now I can't get it out of head. Please help!!!!

[lucky]

all the people here give you advice is to know what state you and the mother live in.

Second, as far as being at the birth of the child...  I'm not trying to sound mean, but if you and the mother are not getting along and/or she doesn't want you in the child's life, you will, more likely than not, NOT be allowed to attend the birth.  The doctors and nurses will be concerned with the mother's comfort during labor and will not allow things that may upset her to happen.

Others here will have advice for you, meanwhile, I have to head to work.  :(

[janM]

I am glad you had a change of heart and want to be a father to this child.

Yes, you have rights, but when you are not married to the mom, you have to go to court to establish them. You will need to file for paternity and visitation, and get child support set up. The paternity test is needed in most states to prove you are the father before you can exercise your rights. If it's proven to be yours, sign the birth certificate. (And yes, she can name it anything she likes.)

And just for the record, there is a difference between rights and obligations. Rights are yours to be exercised, or not, like parenting time. Your obligation will be child support. Even if you had signed your rights away, you would still have that obligation. You would not have the right to see your child or have any say in his/her life. What would happen if every reluctant parent signed off on their kids (if they could dispense with the support, which many think is the case)? Few states will allow that to happen without a step parent who is willing to adopt. The state does not want to support these kids. There are too few dads in kids' lives these days, whether by their choice or the moms keeping them away. Kids need both parents in their lives to grow up whole.

See if your school has a legal department that can help you. Some legal aid places do not handle custody matters. Visit your local courthouse to see what is involved in filing for your rights. You may be able to get a free consultation with a lawyer. You may have to pay for the paternity test, so if you don't have a job yet you will need one for that, and for future support. Start saving now, it sounds like she is due any time. I hope you two can get along for the child's sake.

Read the articles here, and let us know how things go.

[chssdrm]

I live in Wisconsin.
and when I say that I want to be at the hospital for the birth, I don't mean that I have to in the room, I would just like to be in the building. I don't think that that is too much to ask. but right now I am going to school two and a half hours away from her and unless she calls me and let's me know when she leaves there is no way I could be there any time close to the time she gives birth. That is if she has a short child birth.

[LizaLou1]

In a word, condom.  Tell all your high school male friends to take responsiblity for birth control (and STDs)!

Sorry for your sitaution.  Your ordeal is just starting.

LizaLou

[smtotwo]

DH and I are also in WI.  Try  http://www.wisconsinfathers.org  

make sure to sign up for the e-mail chat!!

[Brent]

>   I just want to know that I truly have rights to this child
>if I want. I want to be involved in the childs life.

You do have rights, but you'll have to fight for them or be cut off completely at her whim.

Some of these pages will apply more than others, but they all have valuable information:

Protecting Yourself During Divorce
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/protect.htm

Tips For Getting Started
http://www.deltabravo.net/news/10-19-2000.htm

How To Hire An Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/hiring.htm

Hiring An Effective Attorney
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/effective.htm

Success Factors In Obtaining Custody
http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tips.htm


Also, one of the first things you'll hear around here is "Document, document, document!". Having good records is *crucial*. Get yourself either the Parenting Time Tracker (PTT) at: http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/tracker.htm or the OPTIMAL Custody Tracking service at: http://www.parentingtime.net. The PTT is good, but the OPTIMAL service is better. Using this will help show your involvement and any interference she may put in your way of being a father.

[Indigo Mom]

Let's see.  You and your girlfriend get pregnant 9 months ago.  You leave her, because you're worried about your own future, and don't want a child, now you want to be at the hospital when the child is born and be a father.  Am I right so far?

It's possible...but its' going to take alot of work on your part.  You have GOT to open the lines of communication with her NOW.  (without her parents present, if that's possible) You have to let her know what it is you want, how you felt back then, that you're sorry you did what you did...and you want to be a dad to this child.  I don't think court action should take place right now...there's already too many bad feelings.  Talk to her.  Leave court for later should she completely blow you off.  

You have to understand.  Not only was she abandoned at the beginning of a pregnancy, which is one of the most "insecure" times of a womans life...but she probably feels like killing you about now.  I know I was a loon when pregnant...LOL  Please forgive her those "crazy" hormones...she's a child about to give birth to a child, and she thinks she's doing it alone.  Pretty damned scary.

What YOU need to do?  Let go of the past.  Let go of what "others" have told you.  "others" can break up a relationship quicker than you could ever imagine.  Maybe she did "drop the pill in the toilet"...maybe it was an accident.  You ever opened one of those packages?  I've had a few "incidences" that made me freak out...I had one fly across the bathroom.  Whether she "got" herself pregnant by being deceitful or not...you have made a decision to be a father...so let go of the past.  Let go of all anger.

Something you need to know.  Whether you and she are living together or separately, there will ALWAYS be two different types of parenting techniques.  She has her way, you have yours...they'll end up blending together and things will be fine.  So, don't think you can't see your child because you'll raise him/her different than the mom.  It's NOT unfair to the child...your baby will adjust.

And one last thing...the childs name.  I hate to say this...but can you blame her for chosing a name without consulting you?  You left her.  You said you hadn't even bothered talking to her up until a few hours ago.  Is she supposed to seek you out on every little thing when she believes you've already made your mind up about not being involved????  I'm sorry if you think this is mean, but come on dude....you were gone so she chose a name.  The name isn't a priority...the child is.  

Talk to her, dude.  Be open, honest, and sincere...and let's hope she feels the same as you, for this childs sake.

[chssdrm]

I agree with what you are saying completely, but things went down a bit different than that. Actually, our relationship came to an end before I found out about the pregnancy. In fact, it is possible that she got pregnant after we broke up. It is really weird and I know that I was a complete idiot for what I did, but she told me that it would make the breakup easier for her if we continued to be friends and to sleep with each other. She has some psychological issues and I cared enough about her that I didn't want to see her get hurt physically(and I was a senior in high school. At the time I had what every guy wanted- Sex without commitment) I understand that I was wrong and that I made an enormous mistake, but I can't take it back and I have to deal with the situation as it is. So make your cracks, but I already get the point.
   The point is that I have made a lot of mistakes, but I am trying to make them right and from the research that I have done, a child cannot grow up fully without both parents. Well, I am one of the parents and I have a responsibility and a right to be there.
  On the name issue: I understand the fact that I will have no say in it and I have no intention of even arguing the idea of me having input. My point was that I have already missed out on some important events in the childs life before it was even born and I don't want to miss any more. That is the reason I added that detail.
  We both agree that we are not going to be a couple in the sense of being together or married. As far as I know, neither of us has any interest in that and I know for a fact that her mother would go berserk at even the thought of it. I would like to become friends with her though. With all of the things that we went through after 18 months, there must have been something there. I believed that I loved her at one time, so I have to believe that I can still be her friend. It may take a lot of work to earn back any trust at all, but I am a man who believes that I can acheive anything I want. (yeh, I'm an idealist. Please be nice!) And the fact that she has heard untrue rumors about my behavior at school doesn't help the matter either.

[nosonew]

Do request that your name be placed as the child's name on the birth certificate.  That is a biggie!

Also, and don't slam me here people, but he IS looking for ways to be involved with this child!

Ever thought about marrying her?  Then child has your name, you see child, etc.  Maybe it doesn't work out 1-2 years down the road, but perhaps you make it thru college WITHOUT child support obligations (which are generally more than it actually takes to raise a child), and you get a good job, then due to your marriage, your relationship with the child, you have a chance at either 50/50 custody or at least bonding with the child!  When babies are born, if she breast-feeds, your visitation will be very limited during the entire time she breast feeds.  No over-nights, no long visits, a couple of hours here or there, probably with her present.  You might as well be married in this case, right?  

And a suggestion, ALWAYS use a condom NO MATTER what the girl says! You can't trust us, ever! Not when it comes to something like this!  Some are very honest, (like me), others, well, you know, you've been there.  

I wish you the best, and CONTINUE college, an education is your future, as well as this child!  Let us know what happens!