AAARRRGGGHHH!!!

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

At 4:00 my phone started ringing....no message left on my answering machine, but the calls were coming from my kids. About 10 calls on my caller ID. ( I wasn't concerned as I am due to pick them up at 5:00, and they didn't leave a message. I expect they want me to come pick them up early as usual.) I arrive home from getting groceries at about 4:15 and the phone rings yet again.

It's my son asking me where I have been?!?! I got out of work at 3, and went and got groceries. My son gets on the phone, and I'm told, "Well you didn't tell us you were getting groceries!!!" I'm totally scratching my head at this point as to why he is so frantic.

He informs me that he has a birthday party to attend at 4:30 at a roller skating rink 10 miles away. As IRATE as I was at hearing this, I calmly told him to have his father take him and I would pick him up. His answer was no, I had to take him. I informed him that I had a car load of groceries and that I had to get them put away, so he needed to have his dad take him and I would pick him up.

He asked his dad, and you could hear dad in the background saying, "I can't do that. She will have to take you." (I hope like hell this came out on tape.) I said son, if you knew you had a party  to attend then I should have known a lot sooner. Your dad should have called and informed me of this information (ARRRGH MY SON JUST CALLED AGAIN). So if he will take you, I will pick you up. "

My son informed me his dad had not bought a present for the child. Oh, like I can do that and get him to a party ten miles away in half an hour!

Sorry, I have to go pick up my kids now. My weekend with them is going to be hell.

This is exactly why I am considering accepting a promotion/transfer 150 miles away.  :-(

[Stepmom0418]

Oh hun ..........this is not by any means your sons fault. This is your ex's fault for not informing you of the bd party.

You just TRY and enjoy your weekend and then make sure you send a follow up letter to your ex stating that he needs to inform you in ADVANCE of any plans your child has on your weekend so you can prepare for them in advance.

Hugs to you!

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

At 4:00 my phone started ringing....no message left on my answering machine, but the calls were coming from my kids. About 10 calls on my caller ID. ( I wasn't concerned as I am due to pick them up at 5:00, and they didn't leave a message. I expect they want me to come pick them up early as usual.) I arrive home from getting groceries at about 4:15 and the phone rings yet again.

It's my son asking me where I have been?!?! I got out of work at 3, and went and got groceries. My son gets on the phone, and I'm told, "Well you didn't tell us you were getting groceries!!!" I'm totally scratching my head at this point as to why he is so frantic.

He informs me that he has a birthday party to attend at 4:30 at a roller skating rink 10 miles away. As IRATE as I was at hearing this, I calmly told him to have his father take him and I would pick him up. His answer was no, I had to take him. I informed him that I had a car load of groceries and that I had to get them put away, so he needed to have his dad take him and I would pick him up.

He asked his dad, and you could hear dad in the background saying, "I can't do that. She will have to take you." (I hope like hell this came out on tape.) I said son, if you knew you had a party  to attend then I should have known a lot sooner. Your dad should have called and informed me of this information (ARRRGH MY SON JUST CALLED AGAIN). So if he will take you, I will pick you up. "

My son informed me his dad had not bought a present for the child. Oh, like I can do that and get him to a party ten miles away in half an hour!

Sorry, I have to go pick up my kids now. My weekend with them is going to be hell.

This is exactly why I am considering accepting a promotion/transfer 150 miles away.  :-(

[Stepmom0418]

Oh hun ..........this is not by any means your sons fault. This is your ex's fault for not informing you of the bd party.

You just TRY and enjoy your weekend and then make sure you send a follow up letter to your ex stating that he needs to inform you in ADVANCE of any plans your child has on your weekend so you can prepare for them in advance.

Hugs to you!

[FLMom]

I totally disagree. This IS your son't fault.

Here is what I would have said:

"Son, part of the choice that your father made when he wanted to have you guys with him most of the time was that he would be there for you when you had things come up with your friends. If you want to go do something and you want me to be the one to take you to do it, then you have to give me at least a day of planning time to make it happen. We've been through this before, and although I love you and will always be there for you, I do have my own life when you guys aren't around. From now on I expect you to let me know about things ahead of time, and if you don't, DO NOT expect me to drop everything I'm doing to take you."

I would make sure your daughter was in on this too. I remember you telling us about the party incident where the same thing happened. Your son knew better, just as she did then.

Tell them this, and stick by it, even it if means that they miss out on an event. LET them miss out on an event. You aren't their limo service, you're their mother.

You have to lie down to be a doormat. Your kids are old enough to know that it's better to pi@@ you off than it is their father. So who's gonna keep getting 10 calls in a few hour period? Not your ex, guaranteed.

FLMom

[Stepmom0418]

I would tend to believe that would be putting a child in the middle. Parents need to be able to communicate and not with the child being the one to send messages back and forth.

To me it seems obvious that the father knew of the plans and told the child that mom would take care of the present as well as the transportation but yet the father did not communicate this with the mother at all. Therfore i believe that this is a communication issue between parents and is not the childs fault nor the childs responsibility to make sure the parents are communicating.

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

I appreciate your input, but no, I don't agree that this is my son's fault. My son didn't even KNOW what time the party was until it was time to go and he was told to call me to take him.

I managed to make my son understand that it was not my fault that he missed the party. I didn't put blame anywhere. I just made it clear that it wasn't MY fault. It wasn't easy.

Mr. Dad is trying to put all responsibility on me. In my daughters case, he wouldn't go pick her up from the dance. He told her that "I had to share".

He wouldn't take my son to the party. He told my son that he MUST be at home at 5 PM when I was to pick him up or I would throw him in jail. That couldn't be any further from the truth. All he needs to do is discuss it with me. It's PAS, plain and simple. Keep blaming mom for his laziness.

[Kitty C.]

Sounds like something our PBFH would pull.  SS would tell us of something he had coming up, but when we'd ask him for details, he had no clue because she refused to tell him.  Needless to say, we couldn't make it to many events of SS's (that he specifically ASKED us to attend) because we had no idea when or where.  It pissed SS off to the point (especially now that he's older, LOL!) that he demands details from her to give to us or that she tell us directly, or he won't be involved.

That was her MO for many years....tell him JUST enough to tell us about it, but NO details so we couldn't be involved.

Unfortunately, he's still the 'messenger' and that still pisses me off, too.  I've told both SS that it is NOT his responsibility and told DH that he MUST talk to PBFH about these issues, regardless of how distasteful it is for him.  So with SS's tonsil surgery coming up next month, PBFH has told DH that SS has specifically requested that DH and I BOTH be there.  Now, since I should only take a half day off from work, we'll see how long it takes her to give us a specific time, tho she has said as soon as she knows, she'd let us know.  I'll believe it when I see it!

[Stepmom0418]

I believe that it has alot to do with a dad in this case that is not willing to communicate in regards to the children.

Now in our case it is the exact opposite........BM refuses to communicate with DH and then if she decides to it is nothing but lies anyways. (and these are usually lies that we can prove very easily)

The main point I was trying to make is that the child can not be the one to blame for lack of communication between the parents ..........which is what I read when I read your post. Also I agree that it sounds like PAS.

Kids need BOTH parents! I hope everything works out for you and your children! Is all you can really do is let your children know that no matter what you love them and always will!

I am so glad that you see this is not the childrens fault.

[FLMom]

The reason I said it was the son's fault is that:

1) He's seen his sister do this to his mom, and she drops everything and helps. This is learned behavior.

2) He's old enough that he knows what his own social agenda is. Like her daughter did before, he waited to call mom until the last minute, even though he of course knew what time he was supposed to be at the party. It's a safer bet that he's going to the party if he calls mom at the last minute, than if he asks his dad way ahead of time.

I've read your posts before, and your children are well aware of what's going on between you and your ex. Not only do they know it, but they play both sides when it suits them. I do not feel that putting a child in the middle is the best bet, BUT when this has happened before, and is a known pattern of behavior on behalf of the children AND the ex then she needs to put her foot down. Her ex has taught their children to play this game well, and it isn't going to stop unless ground rules are set down.

And you were supposed to buy a present for this party too? If your son knew he had to buy a present, it meant that the ex knew he needed to buy a present. And didn't. And left you hung out to dry yet again. Knowing their father's feelings for you the kids in this situation need to learn to communicate with mom more. It's not that she doesn't want to help, it's that she's tired of being thrown into it at the last moment.

Ex's can be civil when need be. I kept our kids on his time this past week when all three were sick. I missed work, my husband missed work, and the ex only missed one day. Ex was peaches and cream when he needed help, but was an a## the week before. He acted this way because he knew he needed to be "normal" to gain my assistance. I got "normal" for a week while they were sick, but it'll revert and I don't care anymore. My kids get disappointed when they wait til the last minute with me, and they know it. I don't have that problem now. In a true emergency when they're ill, then yes I'll drop what I'm doing to help, but a dance or a party is not an emergency.

When your kids start holding EX accountable instead of YOU, then you'll know you're making strides in the right direction. It's not that you want them peeved at him, it's that you want them to grow to be mature adults and they NEED to see your ex do the same. For their own sake--when they're parents.

Somehow you're going to have to retrain your ex to pick up the phone and call you. And since you have such a poor relationship with him (more like he does with you, but we both know how THAT goes), the kids will have to modify how they handle things until the ex can act like the adult he should be. Hence, your son knows better by now.

FLMom

[olanna]

Better late than never! This too will pass and soon be forgotten.  I hope you had a good weekend.

:)

[Stepmom0418]

The thing is that her son did not even know the details of the party. It is a sad situation when parents cant seem to communicate but I do not see anyway that this is the childs fault. The child is just that, a child, and should not have to be involved in adult issues.

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

Thankyou Stepmom, you are exactly right.

While my daughter is usually very good about letting me know things way in advance, (The dance issue was not her fault. My X threw at her that I must pick her up or she couldn't go.) my son really doesn't have the capability. He is ADHD and basically lives hour to hour. I have my doubts that he could tell you what time he starts school in the morning, much less what time a party is next week.

My son had an appointment with his psychologist 2 days before the party. I sat in a waiting room for 15 minutes with this "man". Did he advise me of the party? NO!

I have on several occasions sent letters to the X advising him that he needs to contact me in advance regarding any activity that our children might have during my visitation. I have full documentation in recorded phone calls that the ONLY time my X will contact me about anything is when it is beneficial to him. And usually that is only when he needs a babysitter. These phone calls also show that I am repeatedly advised at the last minute of things during my visitation time.

Is there anything the courts can do to stop this? I doubt it. It is my children, my son mostly, that are suffering. He doesn't see it that way. He sees it as hurting me.  All I can do is continue my documenting.

[Stepmom0418]

Continue to document. Also continue to record calls. Another thing I would suggest is to send yet another letter explaining why it is so important for ex to inform you of things that are going to interfeer on your visitation so that you can prepare for them in advance. When sending the letter i always suggest to send it certified with return reciept. Dont get me wrong....after a ton of letters are sent this way it gets quite costly......but in the end it is well worth the money spent.

I am very glad to see that you see that this is NOT your sons fault. I am a firm believer that children should not be put in the middle of adult situations!

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

Yes, I  always do.

In addition, I cc the letter to the clerk of courts to be put into my file ;-)

[Stepmom0418]

That seemed to help in DH's case.

Well we hope it did.......still pending a decision. BM did try to say that nothing was in the envelopes she signed for. The judge asked her "Do you think DH would send an empty envelope, and pay over $200.00 in the past year doing so?" BM answered "no probally not" That was the end of that. (LOL)