Hi I'm new here and need help!!!i

[butterflymackey]

Hi Kali,

I am a NCM too. Havent had my daughter for 4 years now.

I am sorry to hear about your ordeal. I dont know alot of legal advise but let me tell you what I have learned since I lost custody.

1. Take a breath!
I know the sense of panic and helplessness that overwhelms you when you are faced with being denied your child. Believe me I KNOW. But the good thing is, you have alot of resources right here. I would give anything to have known when I lost my daughter what I know now, because it would not have happened. In my opinion it is easier to get the first order right, and harder to get things changed. So it might actually be a good thing that they dont have records of the first plan.

2. Read, read, read, everything involving state laws in your area. Look at some of the resources on this site like parenting plans, what you should and shouldnt do and before you go to court info. You have an advantage being in the same state as your child. Like I said I dont know the laws in your state, but I do know that you should keep records of everything. Visitations that have taken place, money you have spent, denied visitations, etc. You can go into court with strong backup it will show the judge that you care and are serious, so that when ex says "I took care of this child by myself", you wont have to search so hard to defend yourself. And you will have to defend yourself. You dont have to have an attorney for that. Most states have forms available to fill out on your own. Although still expensive, look into Paralegals to help you fill out and file what you need. And if you havent already check to see if there are legal aid programs where you live that you may qualify for.

3. Stop thinking about what he has vs. what you have. That will drive you insane. I stayed home with my daughter and worked PT so that he could complete school. Now I struggle to keep a float. I'm 27 and still trying to finish school. I know it sucks and everytime you pick up your kid or he drops her off you will see all his neat toys that you dont have. Even after a court order for CS is in place he may still try to criticize you. Hate it but move on. Let it motivate you to do better for yourself. You cant get into that feel sorry for me state of mind, no matter what.

4. I don't want to sound rude but child support is an obligation even if you make minimum wage, heck it is even if you are unemployed. You will experience alot of stereotyping if you do have to pay so beware. You will probably get the "loser who has to pay child support so that must mean they are a deadbeat parent" stamp on your forehead, but who cares what others think. I sit next to the lady that processes my CS check to my ex every payday, and we joke about it. You will get used to it and that money will become non existent. My ex makes 65K and I make 23K. I know what you are talking about. My state CS calculator seems pretty fair.  They base it on what he makes vs what I make, throw in visitation, tax claim, medical ins, other children supported, daycare and more as they get older. Even if you have 50/50 custody they will still run the calculator. You never know, you may not have to pay very much at all. But guess what, until she is 18 you will both have to do the CS calculator. If you end up paying any financial change that  will change the calculations 15-25% (depending on state law) can change the amount of CS.  Also you might want to consider stopping buying her clothes and other things. I dont mean to sound cold, but that's what you pay child support for. If you feel compelled to buy those things, limit yourself and keep them at your house. I only have one child too. It's hard when you see all the cute little girl things. I know it is. But I buy her clothes, toys or anything they get left here or thrown away if she takes them home. Someone suggested buying savings bonds if I want to buy her something special and I think it's a great idea.

Kali, I hope I dont come off as sounding too judgemental because I'm sure there are a ton of things I dont know about you and please believe me that's not my intention. AND I wish I could tell you that things will get easier, but read my posts and you will see what other issues can arise. Just remember when to bite your tongue, because everything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law x( , don't say things like the staying in a very small room at grandma's thing. Dont give him something else to hold against you or throw at you in court. Best of luck to you. I hope for your child's sake that you get fair CS and visitation orders.

[Kali]

No he makes $55K at his real job he then works side jobs which I can't prove.  I also was venting about him having a fiancee that pays half the bills hence a 2nd income I do realize that the courts won't look at it but I am p!ssed that he should imply that I owe him ANYTHING I owe him nothing.  This is nothing more than a power trip to him.

[Kali]

thanks for the calculater according to that it says I'd owe quite a bit *sigh* I'm just not able to pay that much.

I'm weighing all my options and trying to find a lawyer and get a loan from work for the retainer fee.

[Kali]

I hate him for everything he's done he implies I don't support her finacially but I do and I can prove it, although he admitted to my face that I am a good mother (WOW it's the FIRST time ever he's EVER done that) but I still don't trust him never will again.

I am not disputing that supporting my child isn't an obligation I am disputing the fact that he claims I don't and the fact that he deserves CS, Putting the costs in for the necessities ect... we are both paying evenly right about now when you compare daycare, ins, clothing, living expenses ect.... how does he figure that he should get more?  That's what I'm not getting.  If I don't pay for Catechism and scouts I'm doubting she'll go because he doesn't deem them important even though he CAN afford them.

Being a NCM is hard enough without having to deal with the ex from he!! and that's what he is.  This is truly a power trip, and what tells me that is he filed the day after an argument we had about some issues, this is a throw it in your face I'm the boss and you will bow down to me motion that's what he's doing here.  

I'm hearing my state won't take alot of things into consideration that others do.  This TOTALLY bites.

[Kali]

I'm not sure what you are trying to tell me are you trying to tell me my ex is doing what he has to to survive?

if so that's NOT what this is about it's his own power trip.  I have NEVER said no when my dd needed something I support her in every way I can, I pay my daycare, he pays his it's always been an agreement.  Mine costs more because of the FT care .  I pay for a TON of other things I buy her clothes, I get her things she needs, I just did her science fair project with her which I spent $50 on and he couldn't be bothered to even bring one supply for it that he had at his house.  

[olanna]

Why not just go to court and ask for guideline support from both of you? If time is pretty equal, you should be splitting daycare and medical 50/50.

How is your order written now?

[Kali]

I think that's what I'm going to do.  He's considered custodial because she's there slightly more than with me.  I think he should be responsible for more than 50 I mean if you look at our incomes it's a grosse differance but I have no problem being accountable for my daughter that's never been an issue.

He wants to see me pay him for CS and continue paying what I already pay and pay me nothing when she's in my care.  Well that's hardly fair or just and it will ruin me seriously drastic measures in living arrangements will HAVE to be made.

[wendl]

Kali,
I am simply stating YOU must do what you have to in order to survive. Your child will remember what you have done for her and what the other parent hasn't.

My hubby is the NCP he also paid daycare, medical, cs and purchased school clothing etc for the CP's house cuz I guess the cs of over $600 wasn't enough for her to go get the kids clothing. We purchased school supplies and overnighted them to the school for the kids.

SO basically what I am saying is you cannot force your ex to spend the money on the child etc, you can only control what you do and continue to do what you are doing as your child will remember it.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Kali]

ahhh okay gotcha I was a little confussed at what you were saying lol please forgive me as my brain is a bit scattered with everything going on right now lol sorry :(

Yes I will continue to do so becuase yes you are right and she already see's things sometimes like the quality time I spend with her and she wonders why her dad doesn't and asks if his job is more important than her because he ALWAYS works (btw I know he's not always working he tells her that because he's a computer geek and can't get off the computer to save his life).

Thanks though for reminding me of that :)

[Kali]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum for the help I need but *sigh* as much as I hate to admit it I suppose I'm a NCM

Here's my sorrid story!!!


Let me explain our situation a bit we split up when she was 6 months old I had no money (no thanks to him since all mine went to her care and his to computers and toys) we were living with his parents at the time so it was me that had to leave. I had no place to go but my mother's dirty house, with a drug addicted brother and a pretty unstable manic depressive mother. NO place for a child, yet I had no money to even get started in a place and go on welfare yes to poor for welfare go figure huh?

So we had an order drafted (it was my understanding until I got on my feet, I later found out otherwise) the order stated she was with him M-F and me Fri eve - Mon morning. No child support exchanged and he was to provide medical care. All was going okay and I was getting on my feet. About a year later I told him that I was ready to start taking her more (I knew it'd be best to transition) he denied me this and told me to get a lawyer and take him to court I did.

*rewind a bit* during this time is when I was in a horrid car accident happened so I was a mess physically. When we had our court dates FINALLY about 6-10 months after filing I can't remember exactly when I had my surgery which was supposed to help me. I almost died I was on continous morphine, when I got out of the hospital I was pretty messed up physically again and on pain meds ect... Even before this my lawyer knew I wouldn't win but I'd get more than I had at the time. We settled out of court. To what we've been doing now. Well I never finished paying my attorney in light of everything going on I couldn't I wasn't even working because of all the medical issues ect... it was horrible! Well apparantly the order never got filed or seen by a judge. THIS makes what's going on even worse.

This is our schedule:

School Year

Mon. with mom for 2 1/2 hours with dad to go to bed basically (in school or after care the rest of the time)
Tues. with mom for the entire evening goes to bed at moms
Wed. With dad entire evening goes to bed at dads
Thurs. with dad entire evening goes to bed at dads
Fri. alternates
Sat. alternates
Sun. alternates but goes to bed at dad's

Summer

M-W sleeps at mom's w/ mom except during daycare all the time.

Thurs. with mom all day part of evening after daycare goes to dad's and spends the night
Fri. alternates
Sat. alternates
Sun. alternates but goes to bed at mom


Now he's taking me to court for CS.  He makes $55K a year I make under $25K he has TWO incomes I have one.

On the papers for CS he filed with the court they SORT of confirm that the second order happened even if it isn't filed but it only states the parenting time arrangement we go buy (I'm thinking THIS can help me.) The ex is now denying he has a copy of all of this when all these years he's been throwing it in my face. I don't have a copy I don't know how it happened but I don't have one. He does, and his lawyer does and I need to find out how to get it suppeoned into court so the judge can see his games he's playing. In there it says child support is reserved.

He's following the second agreement ONLY on the parenting time and the rest he's quoting the original order which TOTALLY screws me.  Basically whatever suits him he's following.

That being said we do have joint legal joint physical custody, and the papers he filed confirms this too.

Now he claims he's taken 2 pay cuts I know this to be true because it's all over the news when it happens as the company he works for is a major company. So he told me Friday night he was making $55K a year I'm under 25k a year less than 1/2 of what he makes PLUS he has a 2 income home. He's buying a new house, a new truck is in the plans for the next year or so, he spends 1,000's on Christmas yes last year he spent at least $1,000 on one child. He spent $5,000.00 on fiancee's engagement ring. He only pays $30/week in daycare (mind you mine will cost about $125/week for summer care) and he wants CS???

Nevermind I'm the one paying for Girl Scouts and DOING girl scouts with her, I pay for cathecism and all that's involved in that among other misc things and all costs involved when she is in my care, I help buy school clothes and other necessities.  And he still says I don't help enough finiacially.  He wants this for a new house and a new truck not for dd.

He actually told me I'm responsible for a portion of her care while she's with him and ALL the care while she's with me. I DON'T THINK SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is an coniving SOB that deserves to rot in the pits of he!!

I told him that when dd asks me why she has to give up all her toys and move to Grandma's into a very tiny room and share with her mother where there is only room for our clothes and we'll have to co-sleep again on a very lumpy pull-out couch that I will tell her that her father can answer that question. To which he replied he'll tell her that her mother doesn't have any money.  It seems unfair that I have to give up everything I've worked so hard for to provide for her while he has a place up north to vacation on the lake, brand new vehicles a brand new house, 3 pets, new furniture ect... all I have is the knowledge that I'm FINALLY able to function partly finacially on my own and provide a roof over my daughters head, and her own room, food on the table, and clothes on her back and that's a STRUGGLE alone.  Now he's taking all of that away and if he gets this support he claims he needs then she suffers because I can't provide her own room all her toys will have to go and I won't be able to pay for daycare in the summer which means I have to give up my parenting time.  How does that seem fair?

Can he get away with this?