How do the rest of you NCM deal with CSM????????

[ksmomof2girls]

I am having problems dealing with our girls' SM.

Here is a little background about the SM and myself.

SM and I were best friends in H.S. and during our marriage. ( X's and mine)

The girls' called her Aunt XXX, as I am an only child, and it was just easier for the girls to call her that.

SM knew that X and I were having problems.  She talked to X about all of her problems she was having with her finance' at the time, not to me, because she wanted a male's opinion.

I let a lot of it slide, as I was so emotionally divorced by that time.

After SM broke up with finance', X asked me what was going on with our marriage.  We soon seperated.  

Not long after our seperation they got to together, then got married.

Now X has custody of our 2 girls, and she's the SM.

SM makes me feel like I was the SM(especially in public) to the girls before, and that she is back with them. Does that make sense?

How do you deal with the SM and the X when they both treat you as you were the SM when you 2 were married instead as the Bio Mom, that you are?


Also, when X and I were married, I was a SAHM for 6 yrs., so I did all of the raising of the girls while he worked 2nd or 3rd shifts.

SM now does all of the things for X while he is at work.  (He works 1st shift.)


This is a response I got from X when I asked if I could have the girls on one of their inservice days. ( He did finally let me have them that day, but it was later on in the day when I was allowed to get them.)

Here is what I wrote about instead of their step-mom.

"I am very reasonable with my request and it is in the best interests of our girls as they should be able to spend extra time with their MOTHER when they are out of school on her weekend, instead of with their Stepmom." ( I gave him a months notice about this by the way.)

"The one line in
your e-mail "instead of their step-mom" is why I made the decision that I did." "First of all they would be spending their regular time with me, their father."  ( He didn't take any time off of work the 2 days they were out of school, so HOW would they be spending time with him, when he wasn't there????)


UPDATE::: I finally have gotten a Parenting plan. and parenting time set up, with FROR in it.  IF I am available to spend time with them when they are out of school for any reason i.e. sick, inservice, and X isn't going to be there, I get FROR....SM doesn't get to spend time with them.

I just would like to know HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU DEAL WITH A CSM?

[MixedBag]

I ignore her.

I correct written records where she has herself listed as the mother.

I tell people that I meet the truth.

I deal only with my EX -- though I'm sure she writes most of his letters to me because he doesn't sign anything at all.

Her attitude is as yours is -- more of a replacement mom than an additional mom.

Kids know what's going on, give them some credit for seeing it.

As a SM, I do the opposite....

I don't deal with DH's EX, that's his responsiblity.

I never let a written record show that I'm the mom -- always put step-mom.

I always introduce the kids as my step-kids.

And DH has to take them to the doctor while they are here -- and if he really can't, then I will.  (Geography precludes us from calling BM to do it).  

(Now my EX and his fake-wife doe the same thing, SHE takes them to the doctor and dentist, and my complaint there is that Dad hasn't taken the time ONCE since Oct 96 that I'm aware of, AND he promised me that he would take care of our son and take him when we divorced -- one of those verbal promises that he never meant to keep because she was waiting in the wings.  Whereas, DH took off work several times to take care of his kids.)

But I do write the checks when we have to reimburse her for something.  And I do go pay the Child Support every month.....mainly because I run the checkbook and pay the bills.  No problem.

[olanna]

and dated/married a guy that her best friend was with...she should be shot.

[MixedBag]

Butterfly's EX did that too!!!  Married her friend....

And my EX married an old girlfriend -- whom during our marriage he DENIED was anything but a friend....

[olanna]

Some of us just have more fiber than others.  I wouldn't consider dating a guy that dated one of my close friends.  

[wendl]

LMAO I would never date anyone my friends dated ewwwwwwwwwww, hmm what we gonna compare his/her abilities hahahaha


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[olanna]

SNERK...but you hit the nail on the head...

;)

[Butterfly]

(this coming from a known bull-in-a-china-shop type personality! ;))

I'd have to second everything MixedBag stated with a few exceptions in my standard operating procedures...

1.  I don't say CSM because that label is misleading and false.  A stepmother does not possess legal custody, her husband does and she can only be his legal proxy in his temporary absence.  I properly label my child's stepmother as the "residential stepmother".  I'm the "custodial" mother, my geographic separation makes me a "non-residential, custodial mother".  I don't enable her denial and entitlement atttitude simply because she married the child's father and helps him take on some of the physical caregiving responsibilities...responsibilities she took on when the two of them doled out marital responsibilties in their home.

2. I don't ignore the residential stepmother because it's simply a counterproductive parenting practice in the blended family experience. Also, ignoring her lets her know she can get under my skin...I have too much pride to allow her to believe she ever has that kind of emotional control over me. ;) Regardless of how the residential stepmother treats me or mismanages her parental influence with our shared child, I treat her with standard respect and sensitivity for her role and relationship as one of the parents to a shared child.  It is in my child's best interest to treat her better than I would a stranger because my child has developed an attachment to both types of mother.  I facilitate and encourage whatever type of relationship my child has developed with her...sometimes having to tolerate things said and done that I find hurtful.  As the ole Mother Teresa poem says..."it was never between you and them anyway."

3.  I correct incorrect information provided on legal form/school records, etc...quietly these days, instead of trying to control how the residential parents behave.  It's an act in futility...as one mother on here said..."it's better to be proactive instead of reactive".

4. I spend more time investing in my parent-child relationship than I do worrying about the parent-child relationship of other adults with my child.  I've discovered placing my parent-child relationship as a premium is the best defense and protective posture with alienating, emotionally immature adults trying to harm it than any litigation or direct conflict has in protection of it.

The child knows the skinny...one way or another.  As they say, the moment you start slinging mud, you lose ground.  

How I deal with her...the best I can, willfully keeping my heart in the right place.  

[backwardsbike]

This is gonna sound really strange but....I'd have rather had my ex marry one of my friends.  Instead he married a dragon lady he found in the personals while I was still living with him.  He'd take her to lunch then come home and keep me awake half the night trying to get me to promise to reconcile with him!  I really don't think any of my friends would have had him though. They are all smart women and would have run for the hills the minute he showed an interest!  LOL

[backwardsbike]

I have to agee with everything you said.  However, I guess I'm still just a tad too"human" and hurt.  Maybe it is because this arrangement is so against what I wanted and thought I would have.  Also because I know that the dad is never home and the SM raises the children.  They must ask her permission before signing up for activities, not dad's.  They must ask her permission to have a friend over because dad can't remember their shedule and doesn't know if they can have a friend over or not.  They must discuss any need for mendical, dental or eye care with her.  If they ask dad he asks her if they need to be seen because he doesn't know.  90% of the time she says they are just making things up to get attention and denies them treatment.  Then they tell me about their problems.  I make an appointment for them and when dad takes then to the appointment they deny the sympotons they told me about.  This seres to make me look really crazy and like I have Munchausen's by Proxy.  One doctor has caught on but dad is still Primary Custodial Parent.

He uses this title every chance he gets to let people know that "the children live with us because the situation at HER house is so poor".  This SM runs her husband legal battles.  She herself has come from a family with muliple divorces and knows every trick in the book and a few I am sure that have not been written yet.  She has told my daughter, " My step mother taught me how to be an evil step mother."  I used to think she was joking but now I know she's serious.