Serious question for Non Custodial Moms

[olanna]

My 16 year old and I both agree that perhaps until his 17th birthday, backing off and allowing Dad and SM to believe we had no contact and weren't interested in each other might be the only way to get through these next years.  Each time they learn that we have spoken, his life becomes a living hell of restrictions, anger, accusations and of course, he has to endure the continuous string of insults about me.  I don't know what makes them so threatened nor do I care...but I do know I am not willing to have threatening letters sent to me registered mail or law suit after law suit filed in SC (and I am in CA) by SM for one thing or another.

My first order for CS was for $1800 a month for my son...I got that reduced, after many years of fighting with the CSE in CS and with the help of an advocate I met on these boards..(thanks BB)....to $215 a month...

My ex really got quiet after I got  the reduction...and things have been peaceful since...

Oh yes, I don't have any visitation but it has nothing to do with me being a bad parent and everything to do with me owing arrears (that were actually assigned the day of the order)..

We sneak and see each other and will continue to do that.  I can only hope that next year, I will be posting about how my son is out here with me....and all is good.

[ksmomof2girls]

I can't understand why any parent Mother or Father would not want to see or speak to their Child.

I am from  divorced parents and divorced myself. I have been CP and now I'm NCM.

There was a time in my life when my Father didn't call me for a year.  About a year or so after my parents divorce.  Even when my parents were married, my Father put Work, Drinking, then the family.  That is why my parents divorced.  So, when my father was home...he really wasn't there, because he was either sleeping or doing something else.
My Mom made excuses for him when I would ask why my Father hadn't called, and she NEVER bad mouthed my Father in front of me. When people would ask questions and she would answer when I wasn't in the room, then I would come into the room, she would change the subject. I found out on my own what a Jerk my Father was at the time, and still is.

BUT...I do NOT deny him anytime with my girls, as they have a right to know their Grandpa and StepGrandma.  ( They are the only Grandkids either one of them will have. Yes, my Step mom has a son, but he isn't going to have any kids of his own. And I'm the only child.)

 It has been stuck in my head that the only reason my Father agreed to adopt me ( at birth by both parents) was to please my Mom as she wanted a child.  I have yet to this day, have NEVER heard from my Father how much he really wanted me, like I have from my Mom.

I have 2 girls that are my life.  There have been times when my X has pulled a bunch of crap that I have felt like just giving in to him, and signing over my rights,but my love for our girls and their love for me won't let me do that to them. A lot of it has to do with my depression. Especially when I get to thinking that way.  

I can't say why a parent would call their child or not want to see their child.  A part of me wants to say, maybe they think its in the child's best interest not to be bothered with me. And the other part of me, wants to say they could be dealing with depression, and just thinking about even talking to them, especially if they live close, and is having a hard time dealing with the X on seeing them, will make their depression harder.

I have noticed that on Monday's after having my girls, I am depressed,becaue I miss them sooooo much and I know that I have to wait 2 more weeks to see them again.  I am hoping that will go away since I finally got a court ordered agreed parenting time and plan done this week. Instead of just getting them every other weekend, I will now have a midweek overnight visit and 8 wks during the summer. Not only that but IF I am able to take them when they are out of school, I get FROR over the Stepmom if their Dad isn't going to be there or if Dad is going to be gone for 8 hrs at night also.  


When I am around the stepmom, I am made to feel like I was the Stepmom before and now they are back with their bio mom, instead her treating me like the bio mom and her the stepmom when we are in public.  I am introduced as their Bio mom.  Which kinda bothers me, since I am adopted, and I know of open adoptions now, and that is where that phrase should come into play, not when I am their bio mom and she is their stepmom. Does that make sense to you?

Ok....I am done ranting...Sorry so long......

[sharptimes5]

>we could relate and help answer the perplexing question of
>why a non-residential mother would choose to
>emotionally/physically abandon her child (you didn't indicate
>whether or not she's paying child support).
>
The bio-mom in our case isn't paying the CS, but it isn't needed for my SD's day to day life...we would sock it away in an account for SD's future.  To us, contact would be worth far more than money could ever buy.

>It doesn't surprise me that many residential stepmothers lack
>sensitivity towards our legal classification simply because we
>are a mother somehow now making us experts on neglectful
>parents.  Do you understand how asking such a question as the
>one you posed, could be internalized as offensive when
>addressing an obvious group of loving parents who would know
>the reasons why about as much as you?

I didn't mean to offend anyone here :(.  I am just trying to get some sort of insight as to possible reasons for Bio-mom to do what has been done.  I have 1 child of my own with a second on the way and I have floods of emotion for my own bio-children as well as for my SD who I love dearly.  I sincerely apologize if I have offended anyone.
>
>Have you not noticed the lack of participation on this board?
>Did it ever occur to you there is a reason why non-residential
>mothers are not posting here anymore?

I am new to this board and forum, so I didn't particularly pay attention to the lack of postings.
>
>It is these sorts of assumptions that make this board a ghost
>town....what is even more amusing..is the responses by
>stepmothers who condemn, judge and otherwise assume they would
>know why this mother chose to leave her child.  Just like
>stepmothers have unique experiences in their role, so do NCMs.
> Until you've endured and experienced the pain, anguish,
>despair and perpetual societal criminalization...then, and
>only then will anyone have credibility in their judgment calls
>on such drastic choices such as this one.

I don't wish to seem cold, but I hope that I never have to go through what others have gone through.  I know it has to be a deadly feeling to not have your child in your life...I couldn't live without my son.  I'm sorry if you feel that I have laid down a judgement/assumption on anyone...that was not my intention.  I am just trying to figure out a better answer for my SD's questions about why her mom doesn't call, write, etc.  The only answer that her father and I have for her is that her mother misses her so much that it hurts her to call, write etc, and she is beginning to question that because she writes to her mom weekly and has seen some of those letters returned with her mother's handwriting on them...we try to stash them away before she sees them, but SD checks the mail occasionally.

Again, if I have offended anyone here, I deeply apologize.

Carol

[MixedBag]

that you came back and posted which means you read some of the responses.....

Who really knows except your BM.....

[sharptimes5]

>that you came back and posted which means you read some of
>the responses.....
>
>Who really knows except your BM.....

It took me a while to get back...the joys of toddlerhood LOL, but I do intend to keep watch on this posting and the rest of the boards.  Maybe I could help someone else as I have been helped ;)

[Butterfly]

I'm not offended but many of the responses to your post were deliberate assumptions about the reasons 'why' without having the experience in the role [NCM] to have significant credibility in the response.

It is synonmous to a NCM trying to explain away why a stepmother feels and behaves a certain way without facts and/or experience to back up her claims of 'knowing why'.

Certainly, it is a tragedy for *any* parent to abandon their child.  It is sad and I feel compassion for any parent that feels they have to make such an extreme decision as choosing to abdicate their responsibilities to a child this way in order to survive, by their own definition.

Some parents are legitimately a waste...but others get driven to that point, for one reason or another.

I have no idea why your SD's mother would abandon her.  Her reasons may not make sense to you if she were to even disclose them to you...but I feel there is some hope for SD when she does have another woman who dearly loves her enough to try to make up for her mother's failings or limitations, regardless.

Is it really that important to understand someone who makes extreme decisions like this...do you think it is even possible to understand her mind?  Or, are you worried you contribute to it?

I pray you have the strength and enough love to cover as many of SD's emotional wounds from that decision, as possible.

[sharptimes5]

>Honestly?
>
>I think you have to go back a bit further than 2 1/2 years ago
>to find your answer....and ask yourself what happened when
>things got goofed up between mom and dad.....and WHY...
>
I wanted to let you know that I took the past few days and did look into what happened with their marriage...asked hubby some questions about their marriage and interspersed it with what I personally know happened and it did give me quite a bit of insight as to her possible reasons for pulling this disappearing act.  
Thank you for suggesting this idea to me as I did learn a lot.

Carol

[sharptimes5]

>I'm not offended but many of the responses to your post were
>deliberate assumptions about the reasons 'why' without having
>the experience in the role [NCM] to have significant
>credibility in the response.
>
I am glad that I didn't offend you Butterfly.  I hadn't looked at the responses in that sort of direction and was able to take them all separately to get a bit of insight.

>Is it really that important to understand someone who makes
>extreme decisions like this...do you think it is even possible
>to understand her mind?  Or, are you worried you contribute to
>it?
>
After all of the thought and talking to my hubby, I've decided it's not important to figure out why she has done it, and I know her well enough to know that I will never totally understand what is going on inside her mind/heart.  I am a bit worried that I have contributed to her leaving, especially after taking Mixed Bag's advise to look beyond the 2 and a half years to figure out what went wrong in the marriage.  Theirs never was a good marriage and it seems like she didn't really want to try, but I only have what I know and what I have been told about the relationship.  I did try to be friendly with bio and it went really well for about 6 months, then she turned nasty and I cut off all ties with bio unless my hubby was unable to do updates with her about how SD was doing due to his job.  I kept those updates very professional but with a touch of kindness, saying things like SD got the training wheels off her bike and I was proud, she colored a picture and kept all the colors inside the lines and wanted to send it to you...anything to keep it from being antiseptic.  I do hope that she will come around someday.  We are contemplating a TPR, and even if that does happen I would never stand between the two of them.  If she doesn't come around by the time SD is an adult, I will do everything possible to help SD find her mom so that she can get her own answers...that is my biggest fear...that bio will stay gone for that much time.
>I pray you have the strength and enough love to cover as many
>of SD's emotional wounds from that decision, as possible.
>
I try my hardest every day to let SD know just how much she is loved and how special she is to everyone.  Even with having her younger brother (I don't like using the word step or half brother) and this new baby on the way, we have our own special time together where we chat about anything and everything that happens in the daily life of an 8 yo.  It's a struggle some days, but the best things don't just drop into your lap.
Thanks again!
Carol

[MixedBag]

Your welcome...

[sharptimes5]

I am the custodial stepmom of an 8yo girl.  She hasn't heard a single word from her mom in 2 and a half years...no phone calls, no letters, no postcards...nothing at all from mom.  We have tried and tried to get mom to contact her daughter...have been trying for the 2 and a half years, but get no response because we have no phone number for her and no "good" address for her either.  The only addresses we have belong to her friend and her MIL.
Can any of you give us some insight as to why she hasn't contacted her child?  I am a mom as well, and I can't imagine going a single day without seeing or at least talking to my son...this tears me up horribly.

Carol