Serious question for Non Custodial Moms

[sharptimes5]

I am the custodial stepmom of an 8yo girl.  She hasn't heard a single word from her mom in 2 and a half years...no phone calls, no letters, no postcards...nothing at all from mom.  We have tried and tried to get mom to contact her daughter...have been trying for the 2 and a half years, but get no response because we have no phone number for her and no "good" address for her either.  The only addresses we have belong to her friend and her MIL.
Can any of you give us some insight as to why she hasn't contacted her child?  I am a mom as well, and I can't imagine going a single day without seeing or at least talking to my son...this tears me up horribly.

Carol

[olanna]

Asking a questions like that is like asking why the world turns...who knows what is inside of her head...or missing from her heart.

[sharptimes5]

Thank you Olanna.  I hope that eventually the bio mom in our situation will ask for help.  I know that my stepdaughter has been helped greatly thru therapy, but she still has so many questions that we just can't answer for her :(.  She does know that she is loved unconditionally by all of us (her biomom and stepdad included).

Carol

[olanna]

I don't contact my son much anymore.  His father and sm have made it almost impossible.  They have my number blocked, they won't accept blocked numbers, they forbid him to call me.  He does get my mail, as I send it in a rather convoluted way so he will get it. (I can't post what I do, as you never know who is reading these boards).

WE do talk but we have to be really sneaky about it.  He knows I love him. And I know he loves me and the day is going to come for him to be 18 and he will return to CA to be with me.

I've missed a few years.  But I will be there for all the years of his life once he is out of the clutches of his controlling Father and SM.

I don't know what the story is with your SD's mom...but hopefully, she will come around before too much time passes.

[Droogle]

was out of my SD's life for 4 years.  SD is going to be 11 on 1/29.  The only reason BM came back into SD's life is because Sd's older half sister was killed riding her bike.  My DH made the contact.  Sd didn't have any contact with her sister either and never really knew her.  BM walked away when SD was 5 and just came back in July of 2003.  When DH was willing to do all the running BM was around but since he has decided not to anymore, she has gone away again.  She has called twice in 3 months.  SD has a sister and 2 brothers there that she misses alot.  I would have hoped that the loss of one daughter would make her want more to do with SD but that didn't happen.  

My answer to SD when she was gone was a standard "We all make decisions in our lives and sometimes they aren't the right ones but we can hope that one day it will change."  It hasn't and SD now knows that we weren't the ones keeping BM away.  Many people have tried to find a way to keep her involved but she can't cope with a child who is well behaved, caring and knows right from wrong.  In my eyes it is BM's loss and my gain.  

My SD has gone through all the stages and right now is in the anger stage.  We are working on it.  Here is a site to try and see if you can get an address for her but don't expect anything to change.  Some people were never meant to be parents and I feel lack something so that they can just walk away.  The BM in our case has offered me her other children more times than I can count.  I think she also feels that she can't compete because SD lacks nothing with us.  She has all of her basic needs met and then some.  

I wish you luck with what you are trying to do.  Have SD write letters and put them in a special folder for the time when BM is found or decides to come back.  Good luck and try the link below.  Might help.  
http://www.meta-people-search.com/index.shtml

[MixedBag]

Honestly?

I think you have to go back a bit further than 2 1/2 years ago to find your answer....and ask yourself what happened when things got goofed up between mom and dad.....and WHY...

I'm a NCP/BM -- and I can tell you that in the beginning, calling my son on the phone made me physically sick to my stomach for DAYS....

Going to my son's house to pick him up made me sick again for DAYS.....

My EX and his fake-wife contributed signficantly to the situation and yep, I blame them for 99% of it.

It was my nerves reacting to history......

Above all, stress to the child that it's not her fault and nothing SHE did -- at least not at that young age....

[joni]

Denial....maybe she just can't deal with it so she doesn't deal with it at all.   She only has to answer to 3 people for this, God, herself and her child.  I hope your SD can reckon with her explanation.

[Butterfly]

we could relate and help answer the perplexing question of why a non-residential mother would choose to emotionally/physically abandon her child (you didn't indicate whether or not she's paying child support).

It doesn't surprise me that many residential stepmothers lack sensitivity towards our legal classification simply because we are a mother somehow now making us experts on neglectful parents.  Do you understand how asking such a question as the one you posed, could be internalized as offensive when addressing an obvious group of loving parents who would know the reasons why about as much as you?

Have you not noticed the lack of participation on this board?  Did it ever occur to you there is a reason why non-residential mothers are not posting here anymore?

It is these sorts of assumptions that make this board a ghost town....what is even more amusing..is the responses by stepmothers who condemn, judge and otherwise assume they would know why this mother chose to leave her child.  Just like stepmothers have unique experiences in their role, so do NCMs.  Until you've endured and experienced the pain, anguish, despair and perpetual societal criminalization...then, and only then will anyone have credibility in their judgment calls on such drastic choices such as this one.

[wendl]

I think each person deals with being a non custodial different. Non custodial mothers deal with many issues as non custodial fathers.

Like many father, they may have given up hope due to how the system works and fails the chidlren at times.

Maybe this is her way of dealing with her loss. I know my sons dad doesn't not see his child, his choice, this is how he chooses to live his life, it doesn't mean he loves his child any less. I simply tell my son everyone shows love differently and that his dad is trying to get his life together.

No one person can understand how another person deals with his/her issues and it is useless trying to figure it out.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Butterfly]

In fact, I will go a step further and reveal the fact that I've thought about "cutting my losses" and simply fulfill 'only' my legal obligations which is 'only' paying monthly child support because the literal hades her residential father and stepmother put both of us through really felt like the best option.

My unconditional love for my child has been truly tested and for a while, I seriously considered taking the easy way out because my constant engagement was/is literally a handicap in my ability to live a happy, peaceful life.

Everyone handles their bereavement over the loss of their child (and don't fool yourselves, it is a traumatic and emotionally shattering loss) and the way they are now treated as a second class parent to their child differently.  Some have the strength to weather custodial parents who mismanage their authority and influence and some, really can't emotionally handle it without losing themselves too.

I chose to persevere simply because the alternative was to face a deeply hurt, handicapped adult child asking me "why" and my answer "for self-preservation" would have never been an answer adequate enough  to cover the damage it caused her.

It would be more painful for me to have to answer that question later than it is to endure her father's abuse of his residential influence over her relationship with me in her formative years.  The later is the lesser of the two evils for me.

Parents are living, breathing human beings not robots.