Is there any other Mom here that is not allowed contact with their

[olanna]

child by the courts, other parent or both?  Do you have contact with the child in spite of the efforts to stop you?

Please share your story...I will share mine.

[MixedBag]

You know way back when -- when FRTC was born -- I was reading and it really didn't matter if you were mom denied or dad denied -- the advice is the same.

In this case, Dad was denied contact with his three kids and Mom finally admitted during the last few weeks to interferring in every way she could.

If you're looking for ideas, here's what we came up with:

We used the school system.....the children's birthdays were during the school year and so Dad sent a baloon bouquet of flowers on that special day.  (It was returned to the florist by Mom).

We knew where the kids worked (at least the oldest one) and Dad tried to call her there -- explaining first to the supervisor that NORMALLY he wouldn't ask to speak to his daughter at work, but there are extenuating circumstances....and then the supervisor went and got her.  OSD was really scared to talk to Dad (we're talking PAS that Dad eventually overcame) and just hung up on him.  But she knew that Dad tried -- and that's what mattered in the end.

We paid for magazine subscriptions (and still do to this day) or we sign the kids up for free catalogs that we know they like to read through.

So far I haven't had problems calling my son, but I know it's a game that could start any day now.....just because it's out there and can be played.  Instead, when I do call I put up with the fact that ONLY the fake-wife answers the phone and they have caller ID to see that I'm the one who calls.  And when she does, here comes the names.....I've been called "Angelica", "MixedBag" (yep my screen name here), my first name, and of course the list goes on.  What I have NEVER heard is for the fake-wife to say "M, your mom is on the phone."  

It's all a game -- and she does it to get under my skin, and guess what?  It's not working -- she just makes herself look like a fool AGAIN.  Nothing new....

[olanna]

And they never give him my messages. He has been threatened with injury should he call me.  Now, what is really strange....they let him come out here for three weeks this summer. I can't help but think that it was because his steo mom didn't want to deal with him while Dad was away in VT.  Matter of fact, I know that is true.

But I haven't heard one word from him since he went back in June.  I don't expect that I will. Now the last school told me I couldn't send mail to him there. I think instead of asking this school, I am just going to send it anyway.  They can receive it and do what they want with it.  I am thinking they are going to be more inclined to give it to him then to have to meet and decide what they will do with it.  There is no CO saying I can't contact him. Only one saying no visitation until the ransom is paid...which they already violated by letting him come out here and see me.

:)

I have had two contacts from some very interested recruiters for jobs paying big $$$. If I actually land one of those contracts, I am going to save every dime I can, and ask them to settle for cash.  I know how money hungry they are, so I know it's a good plan...and you know, the sale of a house reaps big money here too...that will help.

I just got a downward mod...only took two years after I requested it for it to go into affect. The two years sent my arrears skyrocketing.  They can't apply for a review for three years, as my ex listed he was not working and they assigned him minimum wage as a salary. He wasn't happy about that at all.  By the time they could get a review, my son will be 18, so it won't matter.  He can't claim making any less money, so a change in his circumstances won't matter a bit.  And I am damn sure not saying a word if I start making more.  No way in hell.  

I am moving out of my house. No easy task...6 years here and more stuff than you can imagine. I would have liked to have stayed but I just can't do the $1350 a month in house payments and all the other stuff that goes with it. I was able to find a nice house to rent a few rooms from a man. It's been liberating to know that I won't have all this hanging over my head...totally liberating.

So my quest continues.  I am also a CP to my youngest son...he is 9 and simply a joy. I get along with his father royally. We are really good at co-parenting together.  I have never been, nor will I ever be a step parent. I have seen far too much to ever think of trying that one on for size.  No how, no way. And I seriously doubt I will ever marry again until my son is grown.  I don't want him to have a step parent.  I see way too much posted about step kids on a private board I am a member of, and I would never want my son to be thought of in the way many of them think of their step children.  It would break my heart. For every one step parent that really loves their step kids, there are 50 that simply can't stand them. I want better for my son. Even my ex agrees that it is best we both stay single while he is little.

But no big deal about getting married. I've been single most of my adult life and I do believe, it works for me.

[MixedBag]

Check out "www.bigzoo.com" -- it's a pre-paid calling card system.

I know SPARC advocates one too, but I like bigzoo better.

You can print off a calling card and send it to him and that way he can call and they're not footing the bill what so ever.  He can also call from where ever he wants too -- like the closest pay phone.

You can watch the bill on-line and it gives you instant up to date billing.  AND if they get a hold of the card and "access number" -- and use it, you will be able to show that too....

Or actually let them call their friends -- and you'll know who they are because you can see the bill.....and then change the PIN.

We never sent letters to the school -- but had flowers delivered.  The step-kids' school too said that dad couldn't write the kids and go around the mom -- and I kinda agree with the school.  (Actually Mom should have never intercepted mail to make Dad try to go around her to contact his kids....but hey!).

You can get a floral store to deliver something and in the CARD that gets attached, have them have the "bigzoo" card inside a real card personalized from you (that you sent to the store ahead of time....etc).  He will know it's your handwriting....

Good luck!

[gr8Dad]

You are angry that they won't let you see the child, because they are FOLLOWING the court order, and then vilify them FOR violating the court order by sending the child to you??  Sorry, but there HAS to be a way to be "right".  

As far as your "step parent" comment, I think that was WAY out of line.  You have NO studies or facts to back this up, simply a trashing of MOST step parents, because you have heard some horror stories.

I am about to marry the most wonderful woman in the world, and she has 5 children.  I am the CP of my three.  This woman is more of a mother to my children than their bio mother could EVER be.  And i HOPE that I am as good a step Dad and she is a Step Mom.

[olanna]

There is no court order saying I can't see him. There is a court order that says I have to pay up arrears so I can see him. They didn't send him out here to see me, they sent him out here to see his sister and I just happened to get to see him.

Why don't you find another sandbox to play in? You start assuming all kinds of things you don't even have a clue about. I have been in these rooms since the inception of SPARC and Waylon knows my story quite well.

[Butterfly]

I see you in rare form gr8dad, and I'm not sure yet why.  I've been reading your posts for years and in all that time, you've presented yourself to be quite objective...until this new posting category came about and it appears it's you that is indicating bitterness and misplaced anger.

Olanna didn't quote studies or facts...she stated an opinion based on numerous posts she's read on various stepparent forums.  She has a right to state her opinion and personal decision not to be a stepparent based off of what she's read "from the horse's mouth".  I've been on stepfamily sites for years as well, I understand what she was trying to say...and to what she is referring to in regards to those posts about disengaging, resentment, jealousy, mistreatment stepparents endure, yadda, yadda, yadda...

Personally, I would never want to be a stepparent either.  I have a good deal of respect for loving stepparents however to read thousands of posts where a good majority are miserable in that familial position doesn't exactly scream, "Be a stepparent!" to me.  Hopefully, that makes some sense to you...if not, you probably aren't receptive to it and Olanna doesn't need defend her personal choices or right to state opinions on a board meant for such perspective.

Are you trying to incite negative responses to you or are you simply not considering your audience?

[Butterfly]

Hey Mixed!!!!

Olanna...if you start working on your parent-teacher relationship more you'd be REALLY surprised to what lengths they will go to help you out!!!  My daughter's Kindergarten teacher sent me digital photos of my child every month...I'd send balloon bouquets, call her during recess at school until her father finally figured out that being a controlling residential parent only gets you so far.  There are ways around such parents! ;-)

[Butterfly]

Big Zoo is a great tool to document your phone calls.  

One thing I wanted to add about sending stuff for kids to the school, check with the school district's policy on it.

In one of my child's school districts I was allowed to send balloons, flowers, etc...but in her new school district it is not allowed with exceptions only made by her principal (I was granted permission simply because I deployed overseas and wouldn't be in the continental US during her birthday one year).

Food for thought...

[gr8Dad]

She didn't SAY that the step parents were "miserable", she said, "I would never want my son to be thought of in the way many of them think of their step children. It would break my heart. For every one step parent that really loves their step kids, there are 50 that simply can't stand them."  BIG difference.  I KNOW that a step parents job isn't easy.  It is VERY hard, I am a step parent to FIVE.  But I do it NOT because I think differently of the children, but because I love them.  To say that for every ONE there is FIFTY that don't love the children is WRONG.

[Sherry1]

had nothing to do with the courts, it had to do with a severly pas'd child by his dad.  I did not see my son from the age of 14-17, three years.  He grew up and I wasn't allowed to even see him.  Going the court system wouldn't have helped.  My son was so pas'd by his dad that he told me if I ever did anything to hurt his dad or force him against his will, he would never talk to me again.  My son was moved as far away from me as he could be so that the possibility of contact was next to near impossible.  My son is now 22.  The damage from the PAS is permanent, but I do see my son now.  He lives about four hours from me.

[Sherry1]

your input would probably be better served on a board with which you have some experience.

Thanks!

[olanna]

and gr8twhatever is going on my ignore list. I need support and advice, not negative comments and insults.  

I am going to contact his school. Now I just learned when my ex was asked to be on the Dr. Phil show, that he said his little family was just fine and happy and he wasn't going to discuss having me, Mom, in *his* sons's life.  How's that for putting his son first! He even told the caseworker that he would discuss letting him come and visit with me when I paid him the $14K he spent on lawyers...and as a matter of fact, our son could come live with me as soon as I paid him lawyers fees!

He is a real piece of work, I tell ya...a real piece of work.

When you contacted the school, did you set up a time to have a parent teacher conference by phone?  I was thinking too that I could provide the teacher with a long distance card to phone me about D...what do you think?

[gr8Dad]

...I was not aware that one of the "dynamics" of mothers without custody was to insult and denigrate step parents.  Tell me, is this something that only MOMs without custody do?  Or are Dads without custody allowed to lump all steparents into one group and accuse them of not loving their step children?

[Sherry1]

THIS IS YOUR POST... You need help... You are angry that they won't let you see the child, because they are FOLLOWING the court order, and then vilify them FOR violating the court order by sending the child to you?? Sorry, but there HAS to be a way to be "right".

You say "is this something that MOMS without custody do lump all stepparents into one group and accuse them of not loving their step children?"  You are way to quick to judge.  Well, let's see.  I was a CP as well as an NCP.  My DH has had custody of his two boys, different times, for a total of 4 1/2 years.  That would make me, OH my god, let me think... A custodial step parent?  So, you would have a really hard time "categorizing me" into your post.  Do you think it is OKAY for a court order to state you couldn't see your child because you were behind on child support?  Wow, welcome to the 19th century for that comment.  I applaud you that you are such a great guy with custody and that you are marrying a wonderful gal with custody, you sound like man of the hour.  My ex took my son from me for 3 years, he did not have sole custody, I had joint custody.  My son was PAS'd to the point by my asshole of an ex, no court order on the planet would have changed my not having contact with him.  We all have "our stories", but I think you had better be a little more careful about judging moms without custody until you get the "whole story".  It is very difficult to walk in someone else's shoes until you have had to walk in their shoes"

[gr8Dad]

I was an abused child, a child of separartion, who never saw my father until he was on his deathbed, raised by a single Mom, a stepchild, with a step family that ignored my brother and I, an adult that went through divorce, a faithful man married to a tramp, a NCP father who's ex wouldn't let him see the kids, a father of abused kids (her), in a nasty custody battle, been through the CPS system, a custodial father, a step father, engaged to a woman who is a custodial mother of children that are abused, and are no longer permitted to see their father.  I am raising a child that is not biologically mine, and who doesn't know WHO her bioFather is, yet yearns to see him.  While every Saturday, I drop the children with the woman who beats them and continues to torture them emotionally.  Bring it on, I BEEN there.

You AGAIN twist my words.  The ORIGINAL poster insulted step parents in general.  I condemned her for it, and was told that I dod not UNDERSTAND the dynamics of NCP Moms.  Perhaps my comments were glib, or sarcastic, but I do not see pointing out how she insulted ALL step parents as wrong.  I did not SAY what you claimed I did, I asked, SARCASTICALLY, that since SHE said that this was the dynamics of NCP Moms, were NCP Dads allowed to do the same thing.  But, in TRUE fashion, you turned it around, and made it out to be NOTHING like what I said.  Try reading my posts.

[kitten]

So no Dr. Phil?

How did you originally lose custody if you don't mind me asking?  Just the short story if you can.

[olanna]

The producer is working on him now. I don't know yet.  I lost custody because I ran out of money to fight in court.  It's just that simple.

[kitten]

You are in CA?   What did your ex use to gain custody?  

[olanna]

I am in CA.  And yes, it really was that simple.  My lawyer demanded $10K more and I didn't have it...no representation in a SC is a sure fire way to lose in court.  My ex had representation and the judge awarded him custody.  What did he use to gain custody? Money....something I didn't have. I wasn't declared unfit and my ex wasn't declared to have anything more to offer in the line of parenting.  Judge decided that my ex was going to have custody, even though the GAL report suggested otherwise.

I can only attribute the custody award to giving it to the man that had a lawyer...which boils down to money.  What would you call it?

[kitten]

What evidence did he use to have you declared unfit????  I am also in CA.  I agree about the money thing, although it is a vague answer to the question I am asking.  

[kitten]

You were NOT unfit.  So the question remains....What evidence did your ex use to gain primary custody?  I am wondering why you are being so vague.  If you don't want to give details, then say so.  But I would find that hard to beleive since you were willing to go on national television.  I hope I am not coming across negatively, I am just very interested in the details.

[olanna]

I'm not being vague.  I don't have any other explanation and that is the main reason *why* I am willing to go on national television and tell my story. I'm not trying to get even..I'm trying to get access to my son...it was removed without good reason.

It's a bizzarre and hard to swallow story...and funny thing is, my ex didn't try to get custody of the two older kids...just the youngest one!

This kind of stuff has happened so often in the past to the men...it's just rare that it happens to a woman.

[kitten]

This kind of stuff HAPPENS so often to men, that's why I am so interested in your story.  It's rare for a man (especially in CA) to gain Primary custody.  It is strange that he did not try for the older two also, not good for the kids in my opinion.  What evidence swayed the judge?

[olanna]

Remember, this happened in SC, not CA.  Hum, from what I gathered from the court hearing that day, the judge didn't like people from CA. I never moved the order from SC to CA...my mistake.  So, the judge decided that he had jurisdiction over the case and my own lawyer knew if told me that this judge didn't have jurisdiction, he stood to lose a lot of money.  He didn't tell and I wasn't schooled enough in family law to know any better...I should have just said...nope, I'm not sending him to his dad out there to live. I have the only final order giving custody and this kid has lived in CA since he was 2.5.  But see, I didn't know to do that...so I was the one that got reamed. Had I of known then what I know now...I would have thumbed my nose at the judge in SC and gone on with my life.

It was a tough lesson to learn...and a heartbreaking one at that.

[peepster]

I think your comments to Olanna are way out of line.  You seem to have quite a chip on your shoulder for some reason.

I've known Olanna for a long time, and have never found her to generalize nastily about stepparents.  And I certainly don't think she did here.  Sure, she has a nasty stepmom in her life that is hurting her son.  The woman has earned nasty comments and more.  Anyone that hurts kids deserves to be thought of in a bad light... doesn't matter if they are birth parents, step parents, custodial, or non custodial.  

Now, as for your attacks on Olanna, perhaps you should vent your irrational frustrations on a different site.  divorcenet.com would be fitting for you.  So would divorcesource.com.   Leave SPARC to the people that are loving and supportive of each other.  SPARCites would prefer you not soil these forums.  That's what divorcenet and divorcesource are for.  Bye-bye now, and have a nice time lobbing turds at one or more of the other sites.  In the meantime, we'll clean up the mess you made and go back to being loving and supportive of one another.

[olanna]

"and have a nice time lobbing turds at one or more of the other sites"...

ROTFLMAO....

very, very funny.....

;)

[Peanutsdad]

You and peepster can let it go. The post you both are replying to was back on the 3rd.

Now, perhaps we can all get back to the business of being "loving and supportive".

[olanna]

and no one gets to tell me when to laugh or when not to laugh..

hugs to you, Peanutsdad...

May we all love our children and laugh when we can...

;)

[jilly]

Oh for crying out loud...will you just get a freakin grip and move on...good lord.

[olanna]

And honestly, I really don't know...

Are you an NCP mom too?

[momof2]

ollana,

When you say that you are being denied visitation until the ransom is paid, does this mean child support arrears?  I've never heard of a court denying visitation due to child support.  Most states stress that child support and visitation are strictly separate issues and one does not impede the other.  Is the state of SC not allowing you visitation until you pay child support arrears?  That is insane.

[jilly]

I'm talking about what Peanutsdad posted and your response to him. Maybe you were just being sarcastic and I missed it. But I do agree with what he said. Just let it go.
No I'm not a noncustodial Mom so I can't say BTDT in your situation. I am a stepmother though. I have no problem with this board being here. But, just because I haven't been through what you're going through doesn't mean I can't occassionally offer suggestions and/or advice.