What do I do about false allegations?

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[gemini3]

My ex-wife has started making false allegations against me in regards to the children.  This has happened in the past when she accused an ex-girlfriends young son of molesting my daughter.  

I had no choice but to end the relationship and cut off all contact with my girlfriend and her son.  I'm not even sure if what she said happened really happened, but I don't want to question my daughter because the worst thing in the world would be something like that happening to her and me not believing her.

Lately she's started with it again.  Nothing of the magnitude of the last one, but I'm worried that she's working herself up to something like that again - and the allegations she's making are damaging enough.

Has anyone out there successfully dealt with a situation like this?  What should I be doing to counter-act this stuff?  How should I respond when she says stuff like that?  Whenever she makes a false accusation I always respond by telling her that it's not true, but her response is always "Oh, so you're calling your daughter a liar?"  It puts me in such a bad posiiton, and I don't know what to do about it.

I would appreicate anyone's advice.  

[Ref]

Dh's PBFH says that to him all the time. In fact SD IS a liar. She lied about me hitting her, she lies about pretty much everything to make me or Dh look aweful, so her mom can feel better.

The way we have dealt with it is (we have a 1500 distance between us) have DH, BM and SD on the phone to discuss the allegations. In our case SD crumbles. She said that she must have had a dream that I hit her. Lie. The poor kid has been so manipulated by BM it is like she has 2 personalities. Anyway. That worked enough for DH. Bm later said that SD lied on the phone because she was intimidated by DH. DH said, are you caller her a lair? The best part about it is that the truth got in the air. BM will believe what makes her tiny black heart happy, but SD knows that DH will not let her go with these lies.

If it progresses I suggest meeting with a therapist to figure everything out. This may be good to do anyway incase she was molested by your ex's son.(I think I read that right in your old post). Get a couple of sessions. One for just your kid and one for all three of you. This may hep sort things out. Just make sure you pick a good therapist. Some get all hot and bothered by "helping abused kids" instead of sorting out if the abuse actually happened.

best wishes
Ref

[gemini3]

Hi ref.  His daughter has been seeing a therapist since the incident with his ex-girlfriend's son.  My fiance has met with the therapist on several occaisions, and always finds that his ex has been telling the therapist all kinds of things about him that aren't even close to being true.  The problem is that his ex refuses to meet with him and the therapist together, since this would mean an end to the he said-she said stuff.  She uses the therapist to manipulate my fiance, saying that the therapist said he should/shouldn't do things, that daughter can't spend the night at his house because therapist said it wasn't a good idea, etc.  She gets mad when he talks to the therapist himself and finds out she never said any of that stuff.

We don't want to drag his daughter into the middle of the arguements.  Whether she was or she wasn't can never be proven without a doubt.  She was only 5, and I think that she's very easily influenced by her mom and what her mom suggests happened.  It's been almost two years since it happened, and I wonder if she really remembers exactly what happened, or if she "remembers" what her mother told her happened.

I think what it comes down to is the best interest of thier daughter.  It's becoming apparent that her mother is using these types of things to manipulate and cause problems for her ex-husband, and isn't really concerned about what's going on with her child.  We found out recently that she was blaming the daughters trouble in school on my fiance, saying that he wasn't giving her time to do homework, and using that as a reason why he couldn't have visitation.  In reality she never sent any homework, and when he asked if there was any she said she had already done it.  This woman purposely kept her kid from doing homework just so she could make him out to be the bad guy and try and keep him from visitation.  Now we have assignments e-mailed to us by the teacher so that we know what's going on without having to ask BM.  

[Ref]

It sounds like you are doing a great job at going to the teachers directly instead of dealing with BM. I am sure something else will come up.

If BM is accusing you of stuff I would just let it roll off your back. If the child starts repeating this stuff, I still think it is time for a conference.

I just try to ride the waves. (Its pretty choppy out there!!!)

Ref

[gemini3]

Funny you should say that, because this morning as I was making breakfast his daughter informed me that I had stolen her mother's husband.  I asked her why she thought that, because her mommy and daddy were already divorced when I met her daddy, and her mommy lives with her boyfriend.  She said "Well that's what my mom told me."  Her dad came in and asked her if her mom really said that, and then she said, 'well maybe I dreamed it or something'.  

I don't know if her mom really said that or not, because she does make things up sometimes.  It wouldn't surprise me though.  My fiance is going to address it with the counselor when they meet.  I suggested that he and his ex-wife talk to the counselor together.  I don't know if that would help, but at least it would take thier daughter out of the middle.

[gemini3]

I appreciate your concern, but there are plenty of "professionals" out there who will manipulate a situation for their own monetary gain.  For example, if I bring my child to a "specialist" and say that I think she may have been molested, they could agree and pretend to be treating her (when they're really just coloring pictures) just so they can collect the insurance money.

Which, btw, is exactly what happened in this case.  We have since found this out, and the therapist in question is under investigation for insurance fraud, and having their license reviewed.  The child has since been seen by a Licensed Clinical Psychologist whith 25 years of experience in these types of things (way more qualified than the other therapist) who confirmed that there were no signs of sexual abuse, and confirmed that the child was being coached to say that certain things happened.

I understand where you're coming from, but you have to realize that there are cases where people are falsely accused of things.  Especially in a divorce and custody situation.