I'm a wreck and I love my children

[SadDadVT]

I'm posting this because I just need to talk to someone about what I'm going through and maybe get some hope. (Hope... that's something I haven't had in a while. Not sure I even know what it is anymore.) I'm sure people are going to have advice for me, but all I ask is that you stay away from being judgmental of me or telling me that "You just have to" or "You really should". It just doesn't work and you'll see why shortly. I guess I just need some emotional support.

About me: I'm a 37 year old recently divorced man who is the father of three wonderful children ("N" 7/M, "C" 6/F and "A" 2/F). I was married to "B" (36/F) for almost 10 years and together for 13. I have suffered from AD/HD, major depression, bi-polar disorder, borderline and narcissism personality issues, as well as attachment disorders and some sort of visual/sensory filtering issues that no one seems to be able to diagnose. I have an IQ in the upper 150s and am so damn "High Functioning" that people are surprised to hear I have any mental health issues at all (some people even don't believe I do). Up until 3 years ago, I was making $50K and had everything more or less under control. Then I quit my job and tried to start my own business which failed. I have been unemployed since then and supported by my parents. During that time my depression became more sever and I really started to come apart. I tried to be as helpful as I could around the house. I loved my family more than anything and that helped me stay afloat. The trouble in my marriage started about 1 year ago. We were best friends but had no romance in our relationship (not for lack of trying on my part). I had been going to therapy twice a week as well as being on a ton of medications.

I realized my wife was unhappy and I suggested she see some one to help her with her issues and that we should go to marriage counseling. I did everything I could to help her be happy and work with her feelings. After a few months with her own therapist we started marriage counseling. We went about four times and I felt we were making progress. Then in August of last year after a session she told me "There was nothing she could give me and there was nothing she wanted from me." The next day she told me she was filing for divorce. I tried to be positive about the whole thing. I wanted her to be happy and if she needed to be happy away from me then that was OK. I also thought "Yehaw! Now I can go and finally get laid for the first time in like 6 months!"...

Then reality stepped in and I lost it. We had a very large house so I went to live down stairs and she would stay up stairs until we could sell the house. I wanted so much to work things out, but she had made up her mind, not to mention she had had a crush on and old friend of hers for the past months. The thought of loosing my wife/best-and-only friend and not being with my children all the time was too much. The depression became worse until I was swinging from catatonic, paranoid and psychotic episodes. I tapped her phone, sabotaged her car (so she couldn't go meet her "old friend" and hacked into her computer. I was so desperate to keep her. Finally one night after drinking a bottle of scotch I tried to hang myself. I stopped my self after thinking about my children and how much I loved them and how much the loved me. I was hospitalized for a few weeks. When it came time for me to be discharged, my wife told the hospital she did not want me returning to my home. I moved into a B&B and then a little apartment in a town not too far away from my family. All of the friends we had abandoned me and I have no family who can be emotionally supportive. I have since been kept a prisoner in this apartment by my mental health issues. I am doing everything I can to get better, but I just don't think I'm making any progress. The day the divorce was finalized I lost it again and went into a residential treatment center. About three weeks ago I attempted suicide again. The future is not looking too bright right now.

So, why am I telling you all this? For my children. I love them so much and miss them so much. My wife has not put any restrictions on me seeing them, but I just can't handle spending time with them and then letting them go. I also can't be around her or hear her voice or see her picture. My heart gets ripped out every time and I fall deeper and deeper into depression. I know they miss me and they need me and that hurts all the time. I want to be there with them and here for them. I want to be their father. I want them to know I love them more than anything in the world. I have tried to call them or write them letters, but every time I do, I fall to pieces. Everyone thinks I'm being a jerk not spending time with my children or that I'm trying to get back at their mother by neglecting them. God, how can people be so blind and cruel to think I would ever do that. I was one of the best fathers in the world. I loved spending time with them and nurturing them. They were the light of my life.

And now I have nothing. No family, no wife, no friends, no job, no home and very little hope. If anyone has any kind words or prayers or suggestions I would appreciate them. I feel so lost right now.

[tjraid18]

   Sounds like things went downhill after you quit your good job. Maybe things were already heading that way before then ---- but got worse after you quit working. In order to not dwell on the situation, and stay isolated in your apartment, maybe you should focus on taking another job. Even if it's not as good. Idle Hands.......

                                                                   Good Luck!!!



                     ~ From small acorns grow mighty Oaks ~

[DecentDad]

I'm truly very sorry for what you're going through.

You're in such a tough spot, but only you can help you.  That's the only way a stairway will appear to take you from "nothing" and climb back up into having some things.

Right now things look hopeless, but you still have an opportunity to have a great and lasting relationship with each of your kids.

It's just going to take a bit of work on your part.  You may wish to consult with a counselor, priest, or rabbi to help guide you on the path of finding "hope".  Working with a therapist can really help you find hope within yourself, and once you have that, it will be your fuel for finding fulfillment again.

Take care, and I wish you the best.  Asking others for kind words or prayers suggests that you're seeking the path to feel better.  You'll find it.

DD

[littlebit]

I have the deepest sympathy for you.  For some reason, a lot of people don't understand that Father's get despondent over the loss of thier children and spouses.  It is complety acceptable, even expected, for a woman to break-down emotionally, physically, finacially, etc. when she is suddenly stripped of her family.  But Dad's are just expected to suck-it-up and keep on going. ---- It's not that easy!  

You are dealing with a tremendous loss that affects every part of your life.  You would be a cold hearted person to not go a little nuts abouts it.

I will tell you what I do when I feel like giving up:  I focus on my kids.  I try to imagine what they are feeling compared to what I am feeling.  Because no matter how bad it gets for me, at least I have some tiny bit of control over some things...kids don't have that luxury.  

For instance, if I'm dwelling on how bad it hurts me to be apart from them, I tell myself that at least I have the option to pop in an old family video to pacify myself...but my son does not have that option at BM's house, so "I" must do something to ease his burden.  So I write him another letter so he can take it out of his dresser any time he needs some encouragement.

Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me, and feels completly helpless about the situation (because he IS).  So that leads me to decide that I better fight twice as hard: 100% for me, and another 100% for him.  If I don't, who will?  He needs me, and he needs me to be 200%!

I hope this is making sense and doesn't seem like a bunch of rambling.  Just one more thing.  

I am a mature, intelligent, adult who has lived through many experiences and overcome many obstacles.  And yet I know how hard it is for me to accept, and understand, and live day to day, with the things that continue to happen.  With that in mind, how can I begin to relate to what my young child is feeling and thinking?  He has no knowlege of life to tell him that things will get better...that's up to ME to let him know!  He does not yet have the cognative ability to see the 'big picture'....I have to show him!  And he cannot rationalize the events and make sense of them.... It's MY responsibility to ease his mind and reassure him!

SD: you will find a lot of people here who have a lot of support to give.  I hope it helps!

LittleBit's Dad

[grazer]

Dear SadDadVT,
The depression that you are experincing is very normal. Divorce specialists will tell you that divorce/seperation from your children is akin to death of a loved one. It can be a living hell! But, what you need to realize that with time and help, things will get better. You  need to seek a support group, a support group of divorced fathers. And you need to seek this support ASAP. Use all of your energy and all of your time focusing on finding a support and others that are in simular situations as you. Fight with every ounce of energy you have to seek out this support. And often this support is free or at a very minumal cost. Some resources to find support are often offered via church/Phsycological organizations/state agencies/ect. And if you town or your local area does not offer such, then you may need to at near by larger city. And if you can't drive your self, ask if any of the group members of the group that you find would help in transportation. What ever and how ever you can find/get there/and recieve help, you need to do it now!! Not tomorrow, not next week, not in the future, but NOW!

The worst thing that you can do is remain isolated. And the first step in getting yourself better is reaching out for help (as you have done here). And again, the help you may obtain doesn't have to cost ton's of dollars.

Also, you need to focus on getting yourself help and getting mentally/emotionally better so that you may resume and become a very important roll in your children's lives. Remember that you are the children's "only real" father that they will ever have. Remember that you may be somewhat isolated from them now and may not be filling a daily need in your children's lives, but this will not always be this way. In the future your children are going to need you, need your wisdom, need your guidence, need to know you and need your love. But you will need to work on yourself so that you will be there to fullfill "your" children's future needs.

I'm not attempting to preach to you and not attempting push you. But I am attempting to give you advice that I believe that you were requesting/searching for. Also, I strongly advise that you seek what ever faith/religous doctrine that you may wish. But in this faith/religous help that you will find, that you come to understand that there is hope and forgiveness from God. And all you have to do is seek and ask.

Good luck!

[NeverGiveUp]

Dude, get it together!!!!

She's just a person not a god.  Stop looking at it like your life is over and life will get better.  Just the fact that your ex allows you to see your kids whenever you want makes you luckier than every guy on this board.

Get a hobby, get a job, move on and become more interesting and stable. You never know, your ex may start tailing you os someone better might come along.  Yup, it could happen.

[rebecca]

You are letting your life fall apart.  You have to get back into counseling to get a grip on these depressions.  You did not deserve the treatment you got from your wife, but she gave it to you anyway and it is up to you to decide that you deserve to be free of her, and you deserve to have a good life despite your marital situation.  Your kids need you, and no matter how much life is hurting you right now, you just have to suck it up.  We've all had hard times here.  Maybe not suicidal, but probably pretty close for most of us.  The only reason why I have not gone that far is the same as you, my son would miss me.  Since my life sucks, I can at least do what I can, selflessly, to make my sons life as good as possible.  Killing myself or wasting time hating myself will only do him harm.  Your kids need you to get a grip and write those letters and make those visits.  You are going to really regret this when your EX uses these problems against you and you legally can't see your kids anymore.  Please get the help you need and deserve.   It is easier said then done, but you just have to.  You do not have a choice here.  Good luck to you.

[4honor]

Now write these words:

"Dear ___________;

I just want you to know today that I love you. I will write more later.

Love, Daddy"

then put it in an envelope. Put a stamp and the address on it.

Now take a walk to the mailbox - the US postal service one. drop it in the slot and hear it slide to the bottom.

Now walk once around the block before you go home.

It might take you a couple hours the first time. BUT DO THE SMALL STEPS FIRST.

Now start thinking what you can put in the next letter... make it three sentences long. Some encouragement for your children, a piece of hope to share with them. it will get easier, but start with SOME SMALL connection to them and do it today.