insight on BM's action appreciated

[maxwell]

Brief overview: short relationship with BM, never married but we had a child 2/2003. I later found out she lied about her past -- 3 marriages/divorces (she is 29), lost custody of her first son for 9 years, 2 children out of wedlock, 2 previous custody battles, criminal and drug use history, parents druggies and raised by her grandma, may have been abused as a child, evictions, instability, escort service, user of men apparently for support.

I was awarded joint custody at my first hearing last year (alternating weeks) and now have a 2nd hearing soon. BM is violating the court order by having her boyfriend live with her when my son is present (and he was recently arrested for DUI).  In her previous 2 custody cases she was also held in contempt but doesn't seem to care (as the court just threatens action).   She may have altered her hair for her drug test which she had done months after had court ordered it.  What is odd is that BM has cut off contact with her lawyer (who is quitting because she failed to abide his instructions or pay him), she refuses to pay the GAL or even talk to him.  The GAL thinks she may be using drugs (she has a history of this that I was unaware of) but we cannot explain where all the money is going as she gets even more support from me and the state and works full time (she was recently evicted again and moved to a more expensive rental).  BM exhibits personality disorders -- mostly borderline (as indicated by GAL also) but some narscistic and histrionic. My attorney, the GAL and I cannot figure out why she has literally cut off contact and is being uncooperative with everyone except me. She must know that this may not bode well in court. (I am reminded also though by others who battled her in court that she is clever and to be very cautious.) We exchange our son every week and she is very cordial and we discuss him. She never mentions the case not the impending second hearing which i called for (I want full custody).

Any insights appreciated!

[DecentDad]

Hi Maxwell,

I'm not Dr. D, and don't even play her on TV.  I've noticed similarities between some of what you describe and my daughter's mom.

My custody case has been open for nearly three years and is approaching trial next month.

My ex is on her fifth attorney.  It's my perception that she'll reject/avoid any person who may challenge her perspective.

It's also my perception that my ex acts in very childish ways in attempts to effect short-term gain, but she doesn't seem to understand the consequences of historical actions nor possess the expectation that people would judge her on the past.  She seems pretty stuck in the present, except for all the out-of-context past tidbits that justify her dislike for various people.

So... my guess would be that she knows that she's successfully charmed you in the past, and that especially given the upcoming hearing, you will only judge her on being a friendly, good girl and hence be on her side at the hearing.

Much like her moving into the more expensive apartment, she really may be incapable of addressing anything except the present (i.e., I want this apartment, but unlike most people, I don't think about how I'll sustain rent payments into the future).

The most wisdom I can offer is that after having known my daughter's mom for nearly 5 years (and living with her for 18 months of it), the ONLY thing that I've been able to reliably conclude and predict is that she is utterly unpredictable in her approach to situations, and I can never anticipate her emotions of the day.

In short, you and I are rational people but there is no rational train of thought going on in your ex's brain.

That's my layperson assessment of what's going on, but I get at least a certificate of honor in abnormal psych for dealing year after year with someone who meets the criteria for BPD and Histionic PD.

Good luck at your hearing!  Stay focused on your son and your own welfare.  :)

DD

[maxwell]

DD,
  You make some good observations. She is shortsighted and knows that I am probably one of the most decent people she has ever had a relationship with.  She has dropped attorneys in previous cases also for the same reason -- I think your insight on yours is similiar here.  But I now know her tactics, how she uses men, and she uses her children against them also. Her new boyfriend is no doubt providing for her and she probably has him snookered like so many in the past. It is quite sad as i feel sorry for her, but as you said my focus is my son. We have a good chance to get full custody only a month after his first year b-day soon.  I am cautious though as the Grandma of her first son (who had custody of him for 9 years until her health deteriorated) warned me that BM is clever (BM did have me arrested for harassment earlier in the case for sending her letters asking to see my son after she cut me off when he was 2 months old. She later dropped the charges per her lawyer - she knew she would lose -- and i had it expunged. She also stole my credit card and used it as well as other thefts in her past).
 I am sure she will be surprised/upset once she sees the PIs report and my new deposition. And oh yea, the GAL has her figured out after I supplied him with my story and 2 inches of docs of previous custody battles she had with her other 2 children. My son and I had a great meeting with him twice (the second time it was all day). She refuses to meet with him also which is what we all cannot figure out.

Max

[nosonew]

Sounds like you have a winner of a case here.  Hope all works well for you and your son.  I would just continue to be polite to her at pick ups and drop offs, and wait til court.  She possibly has been "given the benefit of the doubt " previously regarding a gal.  Perhaps she is going by that.  Or got "screwed" by a gal, thus avoiding this one.  Hope your court date is soon, she does sound very narcissistic, and your child is MUCH better off withyou!

[maxwell]

Actually from a case with her first son back in '90 and again in '99 the GAL was against her getting custody. (She even admitted to the Pyschologist that she was incapable of caring for her older boy - she had just had her 2nd son and married a 3rd man -- not the father.) She even failed to pay him and I think there is an outstanding Contempt charge from that  in another county also. My GAL was going to call that GAL to get more insights also.

Its very sad...  think maybe she wants to feel like a victim and have the court take my son way from her... which is ok by me.

My son seems fine -  everyone remarks on his disposition, friendliness, etc. Takes after his Dad I guess ;)

m

[Dr. D]

Dear Maxwell,

Sometimes the behaviors of others are so irrational the "rational" is best left untouched.  Whatever your ex is gaining from her behavior is certainly to effect your son...that is my concern.  I can certainly understand your desire for full custody and hope you pursue this.  In the meantime, leave the "Why's" to Philosophers.  Continue if possible to have a cordial relationship with the ex as possible, protect yourself and your son from financial, emotional, and mental games.  Keep us posted.
Dr. D