About my soon-to-be-stepson....

[sweetnsad]

My soon-to-be step son, now 7 going on 8, resents me ALOT...his mother has filled up his head with nonsense like "she took your Daddy from us", "he loves her more than you", etc...

The other two, 5 and 3, aren't like that and are sweet and loving with me. But the oldest just glares at me with hate and dares me to say anything to him to reprimand him when he is misbehaving, etc...

How do I deal with this? He was VERY close to his father before his mom and dad split, but now that they live so far from us, my SO doesn't get the quality time he used to have with them...and I'm afraid the boy is very jealous of my relationship with him...we are very close and don't hide it from the kids. He is also VERY mean to my daughter, almost 6...he hits her, breaks her things, says mean stuff to her, etc...My SO does what he can to make peace, but I need some advice as to how to deal with it. I want to love these kids like they are my own, but it's hard when one of them hates you so much...

Any thoughts?

[Dr. D]

First, do not expect the situation to change.  If your soon - to be step son glares now, it may never get better. It may actually get worse.  The other children may also pick up on this .  You and your SO need to set boundaries and decide together what those are.  My heart goes out to you.....get counseling for all of you.  But, above all, do not expect your ss to accept you or to change......figure out 1) if you can live with that, and 2) what will work in your family to live with that.

Best of luck, Dr. D

[sweetnsad]

My SO doesn't allow his son to disrespect me, when he sees it...his son is quick to be mean and rude when his father isn't around.  And yes, the other children may learn to do this as well, but so far, so good.

We see the kids once a month, and they live two hours from us, one way...I can't see there being anyway to attend counselling with this boy...besides, his mother would never allow it.

Should I seek counselling myself, to learn how to deal with it?

[joni]

My husband commuted for 18 months round trip from Chicago to Detroit and back to attend family counseling with his 5 year old daughter and Ex wife for one hour.  It was 4 1/2 hours one way.  This was the only way counseling would happen because the Ex refused to meet him half way.

Your SO's son is being well trained by the BM is her bad ways.  I think what Dr. D is saying was it's not going to get better on it's own.  The child needs counseling especially since he's damaging other children now.

I know that the commute to her town for counseling would stink but it would be potentially a huge payoff in turning this around, especially since you'll be marrying into this.  Unfortunately, the onus would fall on your SO to make this right, and he'll probably have to pay for it also, but there's no way your family can continue to live this way.

And worse yet, it seem to be just a matter of time before the older child and his mom turn the younger ones against you.  

God Bless.

[sweetnsad]

I guess you are right...there doesn't seem to be any other way...I'll talk to my SO about it and see what he says..
Thanks.

[joni]

feel free to email me with any questions or thoughts.