My son is in trouble

[Forgotten Father]

I have a 13 year old son who lives with his mother 400 miles away.  I just found out about my son a year and a half ago. Since that time I have fought for and received shared parental responsibility (florida).

He came and spent 6 weeks with me and my family this summer and has come to visit several time since including Christmas break. Our visits have been very good each time.

My problem is that his situation at his mom's home is deteriorating very quickly.

A couple of months ago he was diagnosed as Bi-polar (honestly I am do not have alot of faith in that diagnosis) and is now taking Lithium daily. Soon after he got in a fight on the way home from school and was placed on "parental probation" by the court.

Within a month his mom had him back in court because he would not cooperate with her at all.

At that time he was placed on full fledged probation for 6 mos to a year.  Since he was assigned a probation officer his mother has called and reported any problem she has had with him (back talking, not cooperating, etc.)

Two weeks ago his probation officer gave him 5 days in JDC at the end of January.  Within 2 days he was given an additional 15 days, for what I have no idea.  Now yesterday I get a call from his mother telling me that he just received an additional 10 days for trying to get his counselor to Baker Act him for self-mutilation. His mother says he is lying to avoid JDC. He also received another 15 days for leaving his yard for 20 minutes.

We are now up to a total of 45 days in JDC.

His mother also informed me that the next time he gets in trouble he will be ordered to boot camp for one year.

I completely understand that my son is not behaving.  I just really have a problem with him being so involved in the "system" at such an early age.  

I have offered to have him come and stay with me until they move (his mothers major problem is the neighbor kids) which is about 6 months away.  She said it would be too much trouble to have all his probationary and educational programs transferred.

I have a feeling that his mother is trying very hard to get rid of him. I do not understand why she would not send hime here.

I really have no idea what to do about the situation because of the distance involved and my lack of time spent with my son.

Do these problems reflect a bi-polar child or an "out to get him" mother?

I really need to put all this into some kind of perspective so that I can help my son.  At this point I have the play the I agree with everyone game so that I will at least be made aware of the situation.

Any advise or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

I apologize that this is so long.

Forgotten Father

[Dr. D]

Dear Forgotten Father,

The behavior you describe is not that of bi-polar but more so of an adjustment or conduct disorder. However, since you are not with your son full time, there may be other behaviors you aren't seeing.  Certainly, bi-polar and probation don't go together.

SOunds to me like a 13 y.o. out of control.  What is the home environment like.  Sounds like the 13 y.o. is trying to get out of the house, grab attention, or in some other way make a statement.    If you have just recently learned of his existence, he too, may be struggling with the idea of new family, new roles, etc.  The distance may be a problem.  Do everything you can to have frequent phone or email contacts.  Find out what that mind is thinking and searching for.  I have a feeling, you aren't being clued in on the entire picture.

Open communication with the schools and probation dept. if possible.  Put yourself out there as a willing part of the solution.

Dr. D