Generally
speaking, there are some concrete things you can do when seeking
custody of your kids that will better your chances. Note that
doing these things has to become a "way of life"
and must be sincere. By that, I mean you cannot
merely approach them as a huge strategy that you execute only
in an effort to get custody and forget about later on.
1. Educate
yourself about the custody factors and process within
your state. Nearly every state has a list of criteria in
the state law that is used to determine custody. Find that
list and research each item point by point. Factors might
include: A.) The child's adjustment to his or her home,
school, and community. B.) The love and affection and other
emotional ties existing between the child and each parent.
And the list goes on…….
2. Take
the criteria you've identified above and see where you
now stand and how you can impact it. This means looking
at each point and honestly evaluating your strengths and
weaknesses as they relate to that point. Your goal must
be to build upon your strengths and eliminate your weaknesses.
3. You
must document where you are and where you are going!
This is critical and means you must write down
notes about each point in the criteria. It wouldn't
be uncommon to have several pages of notes about each point
when you are done. The notes should include your thoughts
on the specific criteria. Let's say it's from point "A"
in number one above: "The child's adjustment to his
or her home, school, and community. Your notes would elaborate
on each of the three points within that item—notes
on adjustment to home, notes on adjustment to school, and
notes on adjustment to the community.
4. Evaluate
your positives and seek factual information to back
up your position. Take the strengths you have listed and
seek ways to verify those strengths. If a strength for you
is your involvement in your child's school,
for example, then come up with ways to illustrate that to
others. The goal is to be factual and objective.
Below are sources of information, some factual and objective,
and comments on their usefulness.
a.
Concrete Evidence. This would include items
you can touch that show your strengths in a given
area. Using the school example above you must think of
concrete things that could show your involvement. It might
be evidence of being on the school board or a school committee
(like meeting minutes). It might be photos of you coaching
a school sport. It might be a thank you note from a teacher
for helping out with a class party or field trip. The
list of concrete items that illustrate your involvement
in your child's school could be many things. The example
we are using is your involvement in your kids school,
but this principle of concrete evidence can be applied
to any of the criteria. Concrete Evidence is one of the
strongest items you can present to influence the custody
decision.
b.
Independent Third Party Testimony. Don't be taken
aback by the word "testimony." This is really
nothing more than getting other people to describe how
you rate on a given criteria from the list. The key is
that they are "independent third party" people.
These are people who have no real vested interest in the
outcome of your custody situation. They can be teachers,
doctors, childcare providers, neighbors, school counselors,
community groups, coaches, and others. The goal is to
get these individuals to provide information they know
about you. Ideally, in writing and sometimes via verbal
court testimony. Again, using the example of school involvement
this might be asking a teacher to write a note about how
you have never missed one of your child's conferences,
or seeing if the school counselor would give verbal court
testimony about your efforts to see that your kids emotional
needs were being met. The examples are limited only by
your unique situation and should be applied to the entire
spectrum of the criteria to determine custody. The value
of Independent Third Party Testimony is very high. These
individuals provide great insights into you as a parent
and can also be questioned regarding their opinion on
the prospects of future successful single parenting
on your part. Sometimes the toughest part can
be approaching the individual doctor, teacher, counselor,
etc and having a discussion requesting them to get involved.
Don't skip this step, however, as it's invaluable.
c.
Friends and Family. The best way to use friends and
family are for emotional support and to have them help
you with ideas on the previous two points. Too often,
parents rely only on friends and family to provide their
testimony on how you interact with your kids and then
have them rate you on the criteria. It just doesn't pack
much punch to have this input. Having a brother or parent
who testifies you enjoy going into your child's school
and reading to the class one day a month doesn't have
the impact of having the kindergarten teacher make the
same statement. Judges and caseworkers expect family and
close friends to say great things about you and that's
why the things family and friends say doesn't carry great
weight. On the other hand—and this next idea is not
as rare as it may sound—if you can get a family member
or close friend of your soon-to-be ex to provide testimony
to your strengths, then this is a great thing! Think about
it—It's very compelling to have verbal testimony
or written comments from your soon-to-be ex's parents
about how much time you dedicate to coaching your kids
sports or helping your child get their homework done.
In summary, family is invaluable in the overall process
of divorce or a custody dispute—especially from the
emotional angle. Just don't give their willingness to
testify too much weight.
d.
Your input. This begins with the notes of your
strengths and weaknesses completed earlier. With both
the strengths and weaknesses you should be able to elaborate
on various items listed. You should have thought through
(and even written down in many cases) how you would respond
to a weakness that you recognize or might be a perceived
weakness brought up by the other party. So, in our example,
maybe you've never been to your child's classroom. That
is likely to be a weakness you recognize or might be brought
up by the ex. What will your response be? It's important
to have thought this through and to be ready to respond.
Not being prepared might make you respond with a "Yes,
I haven't been in my child's classroom." Being prepared
might allow you to say "Yes, I haven't been in my
child's classroom as my employer is pretty strict about
time off during the day. I have generally called the teacher,
Mrs. Johnson, during my lunch break once a week to touch
base with her on my daughter's progress and I usually
spend one night a week working on my daughter's school
scrapbook as I go through papers she brings home from
school." It's your input that insures you have accurately
and thoroughly addressed each of the custody criteria
in your state law. As you can see from reading this far,
addressing each of the state custody criteria points with
just your words and thoughts is not going to be enough!
You must focus on concrete evidence, the input of independent
third parties, and friends and family.
5. Act
upon your weaknesses. Every action item up to this point
focused on how to frame your strengths for greatest impact.
At least as important as that is how you handle your weaknesses.
If you had no weaknesses or areas needing improvement in
relation to the criteria, then you likely haven't done an
honest assessment of your situation.
Review
your weaknesses to see where you can make an impact. Again,
it must be a sincere desire to do what's best for
your kids that drives you to action. Don't allow
spite, revenge, anger, competition, or other unhealthy motives
to cause you to attempt to be someone you really don't want
to be. By this, I mean you may have weaknesses that you
are aware of and have no intent of changing—either
because you don't value the particular issue or because
the changes that would be necessary run counter to whom
you really are as an individual. For example some state
law custody criteria can touch on religion. If you haven't
been a particularly religious individual you could list
this as a weakness for that criteria and work to build it
into a strength. If you are adamantly set against religion
you might list it as a weakness and also recognize it's
not an issue you can act upon—meaning it remains a
weakness with your knowledge.
So,
how do you act upon weaknesses? Essentially you take the
weakness—-and for our purposes we'll now say "involvement
in your child's school" is a weakness—and
you examine steps you can take to make it a strength.
Calling and arranging a meeting with your child's teacher,
principal, school counselor, or other staff might be a starting
point. Find out from them how you can be more involved in
your child's education. Writing a thank you note to each
one you met with and keeping a copy will begin to provide
concrete evidence as was mentioned above. Responses
you get from teachers will add to that concrete evidence.
Over time, as you demonstrate you are working to be more
involved in the school environment you may find a teacher
is willing to provide a letter, or even verbal testimony
about your efforts. Now you've taken a known weakness and
have turned it into a strength. And something as simple
as school involvement can actually go from a weakness to
a strength in just a few months if you really apply
yourself.
Generally
speaking then the goal is to determine action on weaknesses
by looking at the desired end result. One end result is
to make it a strength, of course. The two other major end
results are to generate concrete evidence and independent
third party verification of your efforts. Below is a short
example of what this means.
The
weakness: You are not very involved in your child's
healthcare.
If the other parent has been the only one to bring your
young child to the doctor for sickness, you need to take
action. One action: Keep a closer eye on your child's
health care. Let's say there is a case of diaper rash or
diarrhea/dehydration—-pretty common with young kids
and often treated with items you can buy at the store. I'd
suggest you take the child to the doctor instead. One
result: You have something concrete—doctor's instructions
or receipt—of the visit and of your concern for you
child's well-being from an independent third party. Second
action: Check to see if your child needs immunizations
and be the one to bring him/her for them. Second result:
Immunizations are often overlooked by parents and seeing
that your child is current on shots provides that concrete
record, the immunization card, that you were involved in
meeting this need. It shows you are responsible and plan
for your kids needs. And the list of things regarding health
care can go on an on from vision screenings to dental cleanings,
etc…Think of the items that apply to healthcare and
then make a plan to address them with a goal of your child's
well-being, concrete evidence, and independent third party
testimonies.
6. Communicate!
Doing the previous five steps in a vacuum will not help
you. Using solid legal counsel and a good therapist/counselor
you need to communicate with them about the self-evaluation
you have made and the actions you are working on. Your lawyer
needs the information to build your case. Your mental health
professional needs the information to gauge your progress
on coping with your emotions and helping to hold you accountable
when times get tough.
7. Educate/Reach
Out. You've educated yourself about your state's criteria
for custody and made a plan. Don't stop there. You'll need
to learn about much more than custody alone as you travel
the road of an ended relationship. You need to learn about
courts, attorneys, state agencies, counseling services,
and more. Finding an organization, like Responsible Single
Fathers, that holds local educational meetings could likely
prove very helpful. You achieve all of this by reaching
out within your local community—saying you could use
help in this area or that area and asking for help in locating
services that can make a difference during this new stage
of your life.
