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S.P.A.R.C. | 
| Separated Parenting Access & Resource Center
"Keeping Families Connected"
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Sharing Custody After the Attack
Now What?! Hard Visitation Decisions
by Mary Kuris
Children of far-flung divorced parents have always had a special set of
problems and challenges. The 9-11 attacks just made them even more difficult
and complicated.
My ten-year-old son’s father lives across the country, more than 3000 miles
away. Visitation, pre 9-11, usually meant calling a travel agent and buying
an unaccompanied minor ticket for our boy. He’s a veteran traveler and we’ve
gone all over the world together.
“I like it best when you can fly with me,” our son has told me. Sometimes
we could arrange for my husband and me to fly with him. But if it meant
the difference between flying as an “unaccompanied minor” or missing the
time with his dad, we chose flying him by himself.
Letting go of him and watching him chatting with the flight attendant as
they descended the walkway to the plane always left me just a tiny bit queasy.
I knew I was doing the best thing for our son, however.
Now What?
9-11 changed all that. The images of the World Trade Center collapsing
and the Pentagon burning are now a part of America’s collective memory.
A few days after the attack, once the initial horror and disbelief had worn
off, I began to wonder how I’d handle the idea of once again sending our
little boy off with a nice flight attendant.
How would he handle it? Would he be scared, having nightmares and dreaming
of plane crashes? Would I? What if travelling by air proves to be somehow
emotionally damaging? How will our son visit with his dad, then? The “what-ifs”
swirling around in my mind make our court-stamped settlement agreement seem
a lot less compelling now, post 9-11.
I know I am not the only parent, custodial or not, unsettled by these questions.
Family law judges and attorneys are likewise bracing for an onslaught of
visitation problems brought on by the 9-11 attacks.
Bob Nachshin
, a high-end Southern California family law lawyer with a client list that’s
included Brent Saberhagen, Lesley Ann Down, Alana Stewart, and most famously,
Barry Bonds
, says he expects to see many high-conflict visitation disputes spurred
by the September terrorist attacks. More than 25% of Nachshin’s clients send
their children far from their custodial home for visitations, he estimates.
To further complicate matters, virtually all major airlines have issued
new restrictions on unaccompanied minor travel. Prior to 9-11, most airlines
permitted children older than 5 to fly alone and make plane changes under
the supervision of a flight or gate attendant. Now, airlines are requiring
that children be allowed to fly unaccompanied on non-stop direct flights
with no changes, if at all.
“Right now both parents and children are afraid to fly. Parents need to
be sensitive to their children’s feelings,” Nachshin said, “I think judges
are unsure whether it’s safe to fly now, too.”
Sacramento family law attorney Cheri Simmons
said, “If I had (to send my children for) visitation, there’s no way I’d
put my child on a plane now. Heck, I’m not getting on a plane now!”
Simmons estimates fewer than 10% of children fly as unaccompanied minors
to visit with their noncustodial parent. “It’s a small but significant number
of children affected by this,” she said. “That’s a lot of kids; it’s tragic.”
Sorting out fears and worries
How can a parent tell if it’s okay for a child to fly alone again, in the
aftermath of the terrorist attacks? Psychologists recommend deciding on
a child-by-child basis.
What’s the child’s existing emotional state? Parents need to observe their
child and get to know him or her better than ever now. It’s far easier said
than done, but putting the children’s needs first now is critical. If he
or she shows
many signs of stress or anxiety, flying alone now may be traumatic to him or her.
The dilemma is that children of divorce are often already stressed and
anxious. “Unfortunately, many [signs of stress in children] are also signs
of anxiety or trauma that may have roots in reasons other than the events
of [9-11],” psychologist Fred Medway said.
Medway, chairman of University of South Carolina
’s psychology department, said kids in high-conflict divorced families
often attempt to assert control over their out-of-control lives by exaggerating
their fears and worries. They thus “call the shots”, controlling whether
or when they’ll visit their non-custodial parent.
If this hasn’t been an issue, and the child has happily traveled to see
his or her parent in the past, watch for new fears and worries. “Any child
who comes out and says they are afraid to fly or has nightmares about it should
most likely be kept off [a plane],” Medway recommended.
Other children may hide their anxiety in order to keep the peace. “Children
are already ambivalent about hurting the feelings of one or both parents
aside from the added and external troubles around them,” Michigan psychotherapist
Rochelle Gold
said.
A child’s age makes a big difference in deciding whether he or she can
handle flying now. “Age is important so the child can abstractly recognize
they will be safe to the greatest degree possible even though an unsafe event
has occurred in this country,” Gold said.
Is your child old enough to understand intellectually that the airlines
and the U.S. government have made changes to enhance flight safety? If so,
he may be able to “handle” flying, even after the attacks.
Fred Medway believes younger children aren’t well-suited to fly alone even
in the best of times.
“Below age 12 or thirteen, I wouldn’t recommend it,” he said. “It depends
on the child’s age and maturity. To be on the safe side, it’s probably best
to restrict this to kids in high school and older.”
Medway cautioned that even children who seem relatively unaffected by the
terrorist attacks and comfortable with the idea of flying alone now may
find themselves unexpectedly anxious or traumatized once in the air.
“The act of travel by air can now trigger all kinds of fears, especially
if there is a less-than-normal flying situation, such as turbulence or someone
a child thinks may resemble a terrorist,” he said. Parents can’t fully prepare
a child beforehand for any “unusual” possibility that may arise.
Gold recommended that flight attendants be given even greater in-flight
responsibility for the care of children flying as unaccompanied minors. “Airline
staff need training to manage unaccompanied minors emotionally and physically.
They need to be assigned to a child and make contact with them during the
flight,” she said.
Legal issues and new fights
If visitation has been problematic for families in the past, air travel
may now become a seeming barrier to visits. Parents who’ve been prevented
from visiting with their children need to address this now, before the holiday
visitation season begins.
“I expect that [exaggerated claims of fear] will be used by children as
well as the adults. My advice would be to bring it up now before it becomes
an issue. The parents need to do what is in the best interest of the children,”
Medway said.
“If the visit doesn’t go well, there may be real problems on the return
trip. This is going to be a problem for both biological parents and the child,”
he said.
“It’s mainly a problem when one parent says ‘no, I’m not putting the child
on a plane’ and the other parent says, ‘it’s no big deal; flying is even
safer now than it used to be.’ In that case, Mom can drive the kids out for
the visit,” Cheri Simmons said.
Bob Nachshin argues his first hearing dealing with this issue soon. He
represents a Southern California father in a high-profile, high-conflict
custody case. The mother lives in Arizona with the couple’s four-year-old.
Though the court ordered visitation for the father every other weekend,
the child’s mother doesn’t want to fly the child, Nachshin said. Instead,
she wants the child’s father to fly out and stay in a hotel in Arizona instead.
A custody evaluator finished a report on this case the week after the terrorist
attacks. The mother was unreasonable in requiring the father to fly to Arizona
and visit with his child in a hotel and it would be better for the child
to stay with the father in California during weekend visits, the evaluator
wrote.
“I’m gonna advocate (in this hearing) that air travel is safe. Terrorists
will have moved on to other things: cropdusters, trains, trucks, subways,”
Nachshin said.
Nachshin said he doesn’t yet know what to expect from judges hearing cases
about visitation conflicts exacerbated by real or exaggerated 9-11 fears,
but anticipates judges will rule conservatively on these issues. “Judges
don’t want to be accused of taking this lightly. It’s the judge’s job to
be an advocate for safety,” he said.
“If I were the judge I wouldn’t ask a child to fly now,” Simmons said.
“I would modify arrangements and limit visitation until the political situation
improves.” she said.
When a high-conflict divorced couple battles about whether or not the child
should fly, Simmons advises the non-custodial parent to attempt to enforce
the existing court order. “Either honor the court order or get a new one,”
she said.
Nachshin said he’s recommending his clients be flexible about arrangements,
if they or their children are afraid of flying now.
“What I’m recommending when there’s conflict about visitation is that the
parent send an escort, charter a plane, travel by train, or stay in a hotel
in the child’s city,” he said “Staying in a hotel is not hearly as good
as the child staying in the parent’s home, though.”
If the children are fearful, Nachshin tells his clients try “to calm the
child; tell the child flying is safer than it ever has been and that the government
has taken steps to make planes safer. Remind the child it’s the parents’
job to make sure kids are safe.”
And again, now what?
At my house in Northern California, we are saving our pennies. Thanksgiving
is Dad’s holiday this year, and we’d like to fly with my son to make sure
he feels secure and comfortable. We’re also thinking about moving closer
to the east coast, so this flying business doesn’t remain such a big issue.
Families like ours all over the country are facing tough choices about
long-distance visitation. Whatever their circumstances, the decisions families
need to make will likely be both difficult and costly.
Mary Kuris is the co-owner of Second Wives Club.Net and shares custody
with her ten-year-old son's father, who lives 3000 miles away. She and her
husband live in Sacramento, California, with her son.
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